Dominated Men
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Dominated Men
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Due to the huge popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey , and the thousands of erotic novels available, you’d think that powerful and successful men like to be dominant and act out their sadistic sex fantasies on socially awkward and somewhat powerless women.
But what about the men who spend so much of their time being in control that they enjoy being controlled, really let go, and allow someone else to take control?
So which is it: socially powerful men need to dominate at all times, or do they needed to be dominated? And how do women figure into this? Are they always submissive and/or masochistic?
According to a new paper published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science , by Joris Lammers and Roland Imhoff, social power (having control over others’ outcomes) reduces inhibition . In other words, high-ranking Christian Grey types are more aroused by fantasies involving being submissive.
In another article in New York Magazine , the Lammers and Imhoff point out that while many people have sadomasochistic impulses, they don’t really act on them, as those impulses go against social norms that separate sex from violence, and affection from domination. Traditional gender roles say that men are primarily active and women passive in many social domains, and that men are more likely to sublimate submission fantasies and women fantasies of domination.
But the study refutes this by saying that power frees people from their inhibitions, and thereby increases sadomasochistic thoughts in everyone — especially masochistic leanings in men and sadistic thoughts in women.
The study included 14,306 participants, readers of a science website and a lifestyle website in the Netherlands; the participants completed an online questionnaire.
First, the participants rated their professional position from someone without a job, to executive, top-management status. The participants rated their agreement with statements such as, “It sexually arouses me to fantasize about torturing a consenting person” to “It sexually arouses me to fantasize about being tortured by a person by my own demand.”
Participants also rated their desire for social dominance in everyday life by documenting their responses to statements such as, “I like to give orders and get things going.”
The study could only measure correlations, but given the known psychological effects of power — such as being the first to act, inspiring yourself, and being distant from other people — a case for its influence on disinhibition in the bedroom can be made.
The findings of the study stated, “Results showed that power increases the arousal to sadomasochism, after controlling for age and dominance. Furthermore, the effect of power on arousal by sadistic thoughts is stronger among women than men, while the effect of power on arousal by masochistic thoughts is stronger among men than women.
The effect of power is driven through a process of disinhibition that leads people to disregard sexual norms in general, and disregard sexual norms associated with gender in particular.”
As researcher Lammers says, “Power tends to be a source of sexual liberation.” — Christine Schoenwald
Priscilla Fleming became a licensed massage therapist in 2019 to help people. What she didn’t expect was sexual harassment, which she says began almost instantly. “At that point I now had to process this traumatic experience while also navigating a brand new industry that put me alone in a dark room with strangers. So I really contemplated just leaving the industry all together between the vulgar messages and then trying to navigate that. I wasn't sure if it was worth it, but I stuck it out, “ says Fleming. In response, Fleming launched the ethics course, “Safety & Solicitation: Gaslighting and Power Dynamics” to help other therapists recognize threatening behavior from clients. She’s also on a mission to combat harmful stereotypes that plague the massage industry. The dangers facing massage therapists made headlines last month, when NFL quarterback Deshuan Watson was suspended by the Cleveland Browns for 11 games and given a $5 million fine after he was accused of sexual misconduct by 24 massage therapists. Allegations included Watson exposing himself and manipulating therapists into touching him in an inappropriate manner. Two of the women also accused Watson of pressuring them to perform oral sex. While Watson has repeatedly denied the claims, 23 of the 24 civil lawsuits have been settled. In an interview with Sports Radio 610, Watson’s lawyer, Rusty Hardin, claimed that a ‘happy ending’ was not a crime unless extra money was paid for the service. “I feel as though he single handedly put a lot of us at risk to be assaulted,” says Fleming. “The NFL is a very large, well known industry and there is a very large fan base. So by his lawyer making these allegations, I'm afraid that this is going to empower that fan base to come and seek what Dashaun Watson was receiving.” With her ethics course, Fleming spends considerable time educating other therapists about gaslighting and grooming tactics used by predatory clients. Gaslighting involves manipulating someone by sowing self doubt in what they are experiencing, and grooming is a process of seeing how far a predator can push past a person's personal boundaries. Fleming notes that in the therapeutic relationship, the licensed therapist is granted the power to lead the dynamic in a professional setting. She says that when that power dynamic shifts, therapists may find themselves operating in threatening territory.
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Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona ) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries).
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Grab the whip because tonight, you’re calling the shots.
By now, it’s likely you know a thing or two about BDSM . But if you need a little refresher, the acronym stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission , and sadism and masochism.
You may have seen or heard about BDSM from reading an erotic book , watching a sexy film , or seeing the totally-not-popular series Fifty Shades of Grey (which actually isn’t all that factual, by the way). But regardless of how familiar you are with the term, if the thought of being dominant or seeing your partner submit turns you on, you’ve come to the right place.
Before we get into how to be dominant though, let’s talk about the different dynamics. For one thing, while the dominant person may be considered a “top” and the submissive person may be considered the “bottom,” this actually isn’t entirely true.
In fact, Mistress Rogue , a professional dominatrix and the headmistress of The Dom House says that “topping” and “dominating” are actually pretty different.
“A top is simply someone who leads or guides the scene, and the bottom is there to receive the experience,” says Rogue who previously told Cosmopolitan .
So to dominate someone, you’re not only leading the sexual action (or “scene”) , but there’s also a power dynamic you’re working with too. Sometimes the control the dominant exhibits is physical, sometimes it’s sexual , sometimes it's financial , and sometimes it’s just mental.
All this means that, hi, yup, there’s a whole lot to know about being a dominant. So to help, we’ve rounded up the best tips for anyone who wants to dominate in a consensual, tactical, and enjoyable way. Right this way.
For one thing, it could be a way to have more exciting sex. “It can be fun to explore a side of yourself that you don’t usually show, and sex is a great way to start,” says founder and CEO of Afterglow Lilly Sparks. “It’s called power play for a reason—it can be fun to exert your power and make your partner do whatever you want.”
Sparks adds: “ Kink and BDSM may seem super extreme or even intimidating, but it’s a really fun way to play with a partner to add more diversity into your sex life,” Lilly explains.
It could also be because someone is never submissive in their normal, everyday life. “[Being dominated] can be something completely different from their day-to-day life where they may be expected to take charge and make all of the decisions,” says sexual expert and performer GoAskAlex .
And adult star and director Misha Montana says it “provides an escape” for some people since it’s “so opposite of what is demanded of them in their personal lives.”
The only way to know if your partner wants to be dominated is if they explicitly tell you. Healthy communication is vital to all relationships, so make sure you’re regularly checking in with your partner to create a safe space in which they feel comfortable sharing their wants, desires, and needs with you.
If you’re just trying to feel out the situation though, pay attention to their body language and physical cues during everyday situations. GoAskAlex suggests playfully inserting domination into low-risk scenarios to see how it feels.
One example might be to playfully reach across the table at dinner and take something off of their plate. “Look them right in the eye and smile as you place it between your lips,” GoAskAlex says. “A small test like this could provide some insight into whether or not they're open to you pushing their buttons.”
That said, someone could like the idea of being dominated but also just not like you taking food off of their plate without asking. Fair. So, again, no matter what you think or however many “signs” your partner is giving you, you’ll need to have a conversation before moving into an actual BDSM dynamic.
First off, remember that BDSM falls on a spectrum, so what domination looks like for you could be very different than what domination looks like for other people.
“So often in the media or porn , kink is portrayed as this really extreme version of sex, but it doesn’t have to be. Yes, it is a way to intensify sex, but it’s easy to start to incorporate power play into your sex life, today, in a super accessible, safe, and playful way.”
Basically, dominating your partner can range from lightly restraining your partner to edging them with a cock ring —and there’s lots of in between. So don’t think you need to go too hard or intense from the beginning.
Another thing: Before lacing up your new leather bodysuit , you personally need to think about how you feel stepping into the dom role. It’s not for everyone, so if you’re not into the idea, that’s entirely okay.
If you are ready to dip your toe into BDSM play, you should start by establishing boundaries with your partner. Talking about this before sex will ensure you’re on the same page as far as what’s okay and what’s not okay.
A good way to do this is to complete a “Yes/No/Maybe” list with your partner prior to having sex. You should each fill out the list separately, then, when you’re both finished, discuss and compare your answers. For anything that’s a “no,” know that’s off limits. For anything that’s a “yes,” consider that fair game. And for anything listed as a “maybe,” take the time to discuss what that looks like for you and why it’s a maybe.
Feel free to create your own “Yes/No/Maybe” list or find one on Google like this one .
Once you have those hard limits, boundaries, and wants expressed to your partner, it’s a good idea to decide on a safe word . Talk about this prior to engaging in sex so that you or your partner can halt action whenever it’s becoming too much or either of you want the play to stop. (“Pineapple” and “red” are popular safe words that are easy to say in the moment.)
And after you go at it, it’s always important to practice aftercare , says the founder of AdmireMe.VIP Chelsea Ferguson. For some people, that means cuddling in bed, for others, it could be taking a bath together or being massaged by the dominant. “Make sure your partner feels loved and cared for afterward—if they want to spoon , spoon!”
As you might have guessed, there’s some serious safety to consider before diving into the world of BDSM. Both parties need to communicate things like limits and boundaries as well as establish their safe words —and sometimes signals in the case that someone is unable to physically speak because of a restraint.
Practice constant and enthusiastic consent, and if you’re new to the world of BDSM, have a solid foundation of trust built with your partner before diving in. “BDSM is great, but just like any other vanilla practice, it could turn dangerous with the wrong partner,” Rogue says.
Montana says you’ll want to “communicate honestly and ask lots of questions to ensure you’re both on the same page. It needs to be clearly defined if your partner is looking for some handcuffs and dirty talk or they want to be pegged and kicked in the genitals with 8-inch stilettos.”
Last, it’s always a good idea to have a first aid kit and charged cellphone on hand in case of emergencies. And just like with any sort of sexual activity, utilizing barrier methods is a smart idea for play where fluid exchange or penetration is involved.
Now that you and your partner are both enthusiastically and consensually on board, it’s time to get dominating. First, Ferguson says it’s important to take things slow and only introduce one new component at a time.
“Start by taking control with foreplay and, if it’s what you’re both comfortable with, give commands and bring in bondage or sex toys,” she says. “Remember the point is pleasure for both parties.”
Per the pros, here are some ways to dominate your partner, ranging from basic to a lil more extreme:
Whether you spend the evening tying them to the bed or simply stealing all the fries from their plate, consensually dominating is one of the most fun and liberating ways to shake things up with your brand *spanking* new submissive. Enjoy!
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