Dom And Sub Terms
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Dom And Sub Terms
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Carina Hsieh
Sex & Relationships Editor
Carina Hsieh lives in NYC with her French Bulldog Bao Bao — follow her on Instagram and Twitter • Candace Bushnell once called her the Samantha Jones of Tinder • She enjoys hanging out in the candle aisle of TJ Maxx and getting lost in Amazon spirals.
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In the BDSM world of kink, two of the most commonly-used labels are "dom" and "sub" which stand for "dominant" and "submissive." In consensual kink scenarios involving BDSM, it can be common for one partner to play the role of the dominant person while the other plays a more submissive role.
"BDSM is a (consensual) erotic game of power where a dom is the person who commands while a sub is the person who obeys," says Katherin Winnick, sex expert at LetsTalkSex.net . "Although this would make it seem as though the dom is the one in control, on the contrary, in a healthy BDSM relationship, the sub has expressed his/her kinks and the dom is serving the sub and satisfying them," Winnick adds.
A key note about dom and sub relationships is that in the world of kink and BDSM, these are not just unspoken labels. Having a frank, clear, discussion of the roles you and a partner will be undertaking during kinky sex is a must. Some people even draw up contracts , which sounds v. formal but is actually more common than you'd think.
A dom is short for dominant, aka the more aggressive person during a consensual BDSM scenario. A dom might derive sexual pleasure from activities where they are in control of their submissive partner's climax through forced orgasms , ruined orgasms , or orgasm denial . Other common dom activities might include the dominant partner using a remote control sex toy on the submissive partner, or a dom face-sitting (also called queening) on their partner.
A sub is short for submissive, aka the more submissive person during a consensual BDSM scenario. A sub might derive sexual pleasure from activities where they can be disciplined, punished, spanked, or otherwise dominated by their partner. The sub in this dynamic might enjoy their partner controlling a remote control sex toy or panty vibe on them or being tied up during sex .
1. Always discuss limits and expectations beforehand
There should always be an understanding that this is a consensual dynamic and that no matter what role each person is playing, both have the right to stop play at any time if it gets uncomfy. Even if the submissive is playing submissive, they should be able to pull the plug. Likewise for a dom! Just because they've agreed to be a dom in this scenario, if they feel uncomfy going as hard as their sub would like, they can also stop at any time.
Many people use a word for "yellow" which means, "I'm approaching my limit, let's pause and back off a little," and a word for "red" which means hard stop, no questions asked.
3. Practice aftercare when the sex is over
Aftercare is a common BDSM practice where the dom and sub reassure each other that the kink scenario they just played out is not reflective of real life. This can look like a dom reassuring their sub, getting them a glass of water, or cuddling. It's like when the director of a movie yells "Cut!" and things go back to normal.
As Angela Watson, a clinical social worker and sex therapist who runs DoctorClimax previously explained to Cosmopolitan , "Aftercare is all about re-establishing the dynamic that was [consensually] exploited during [kinky] sex."
Probably the most famous dom and sub relationship would be 50 Shades of Grey , with Christian as the dom and Anastasia as the sub. But — and big but here — it is worth noting that while Christian is a dom in the sense that he's dominant , Anastasia's character isn't quite a sub in the proper, kink-dictionary-level sense.
This is because Anastasia doesn't express equal footing in their relationship and their rough sex is more about Christian onboarding an inexperienced Anastasia into aspects of BDSM rather than two equally enthusiastic partners coming to a mutual dom-sub dynamic for kinky sex.
In a legit dom-sub relationship, the dynamic ends after play, so Anastasia living in Christian's house and having to see doctors that Christian facilitates that put her on birth control is just Christian being controlling, and past the point of what a dom in a kink scene would do.
So, in terms of recognition, 50 Shades did popularize the BDSM aspect of sex superficially with the whips and blindfolds, but their dom sub relationship isn't a healthy example of a dom and sub relationship.
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From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Erotic roleplay involving the submission of one person to another
"Dominance sex" redirects here. For the film, see The Dominant Sex . For other uses, see Dominance and submission (disambiguation) .
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Human furniture : A nude submissive woman being used as a decorative table. She is required to stay in the same posture, such that the vase over her does not fall ( top ). A human-table formed using three nude submissive women ( bottom ).
Further information on when consent can be a defense to criminal liability for any injuries caused, and when, for these purposes, non-physical injuries are included in the definition of grievous bodily harm : Consent (BDSM) and Legal consent
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^ Jump up to: a b Richters, Juliet; De Visser, Richard O.; Rissel, Chris E.; Grulich, Andrew E.; Smith, Anthony M. A. (July 2008). "Demographic and Psychosocial Features of Participants in Bondage and Discipline, "Sadomasochism" or Dominance and Submission (BDSM): Data from a National Survey". The Journal of Sexual Medicine . 5 (7): 1660–1668. doi : 10.1111/j.1743-6109.2008.00795.x . PMID 18331257 .
^ Fedoroff, Paul J. (2008). "Sadism, Sadomasochism, Sex, and Violence" . Canadian Journal of Psychiatry . 53 (10): 637–646. doi : 10.1177/070674370805301003 . PMID 18940032 . :"Sexual arousal from consensual interactions that include domination should be distinguished from nonconsensual sex acts."
^ Jump up to: a b c Jozifkova, Eva (September 2013). "Consensual Sadomasochistic Sex (BDSM): The Roots, the Risks, and the Distinctions Between BDSM and Violence". Current Psychiatry Reports . 15 (9): 392. doi : 10.1007/s11920-013-0392-1 . ISSN 1523-3812 . PMID 23933978 . S2CID 29054687 .
^ Jump up to: a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z aa ab ac ad ae af Dunkley, Cara R.; Brotto, Lori A. (22 April 2019). "The Role of Consent in the Context of BDSM". Sexual Abuse . 32 (6). doi : 10.1177/1079063219842847 . ISSN 1079-0632 . PMID 31010393 . S2CID 128359900 .
^ Jump up to: a b c d Nitschke, Joachim; Mokros, Andreas; Osterheider, Michael; Marshall, William L. (December 2013). "Sexual Sadism: Current Diagnostic Vagueness and the Benefit of Behavioral Definitions" (PDF) . International Journal of Offender Therapy and Comparative Criminology . 57 (12): 1441–1453. doi : 10.1177/0306624X12465923 . ISSN 0306-624X . PMID 23188927 . S2CID 21307046 .
^ "DSM, DSM-Iv, DSM-Ivr", Encyclopedia of Pain , Springer Berlin Heidelberg, 2013, p. 1080, doi : 10.1007/978-3-642-28753-4_100651 , ISBN 9783642287527
^ Svenaeus, Fredrik (27 November 2013). "Diagnosing mental disorders and saving the normal". Medicine, Health Care and Philosophy . 17 (2): 241–244. doi : 10.1007/s11019-013-9529-6 . ISSN 1386-7423 . S2CID 68073693 .
^ Breslow, N; Evans, L; Langley, J (August 1985). "On the prevalence and roles of females in the sadomasochistic subculture: report of an empirical study". Archives of Sexual Behavior . 14 (4): 303–17. doi : 10.1007/BF01550846 . PMID 4051718 . S2CID 31730499 .
^ Levitt, Eugene E.; Moser, Charles; Jamison, Karen V. (August 1994). "The prevalence and some attributes of females in the sadomasochistic subculture: A second report". Archives of Sexual Behavior . 23 (4): 465–73. doi : 10.1007/BF01541410 . PMID 7993186 . S2CID 28743901 .
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Dominance and submission (also called D/s ) is a set of behaviors, customs, and rituals involving the submission of one person to another in an erotic episode or lifestyle . It is a subset of BDSM . This form of sexual contact and pleasure has been shown to please a minority of people. [1]
Physical contact is not necessary, and D/s can be conducted anonymously over the telephone, email, or other messaging systems. In other cases, it can be intensely physical, sometimes crossing into sadomasochism . In D/s, both parties take pleasure or erotic enjoyment from either dominating or being dominated. Those who take the superior position are called dominants — Doms (regardless of gender) or Dommes (female)—while those who take the subordinate position are called submissive , or subs . A switch is an individual who plays either role. Two switches together may negotiate and exchange roles several times in a session. The term dominatrix usually refers to a female sex worker who dominates others for pay. [2]
The dominant–submissive relationship fits within the overarching term BDSM and its lifestyle. BDSM stands for "bondage and discipline" (B&D), "dominant and submissive" (D&S), and "sadism and masochism" (S&M). [3] [4] Many misconceptions of this relationship and its associated activities come from the fact that early theorists conceptualized that sadomasochism and BDSM behavior were a symptom of psychopathology. [5] It was thought that people who participated in this type of sexual play disregarded safety and consent, which influenced the diagnosis, classification, and perception of this type of relationship. [5] These misconceptions of all participants of BDSM having disordered tendencies have related to the definition and criteria for sadomasochism in the DSM-5 . Therefore, many in the BDSM community do not fit the criteria. [4] [ page needed ]
It is possible that this community of BDSM participants was formed in the early 18th century, and maybe even before. For example, the dominant–submissive partnership has been shown in early versions of the Kama Sutra . [5] Not only is it shown in literature but also in the actions of ancient rulers that would participate in sexually sadistic torture, role play , and finally the assertion of their dominance over subjects. Their actions show severe sadomasochism as well as the early-onset behaviors of the community. [5]
Currently, the relationship between a dominant and submissive revolves around consent and guidelines. Within the world of BDSM, consent is a core focus and requirement because it is what separates sexual sadism from coercive sexual sadism disorder in the DSM-5. Sexual sadism disorder and sexual masochism disorder have been changed in order to differentiate between consensual and nonconsensual partners. [6] As well as meeting the new criteria to be classified as one or the other, for example, the person being diagnosed must be experiencing personal distress about their paraphilia rather than distress coming from society's disapproval. [4] [7] The growth of dominant and submissive behavior, sadomasochism, and other BDSM activity is evident through its history, from ancient times through the separation from disorder to consensual-community participant.
The inner conflict and surrender connected with dominance and submission are enduring themes in human culture and civilization . In human sexuality, this has broadened to include mutual exploration of roles, emotions, and activities that would be difficult or impossible to act out without a willing partner taking an opposing role.
A 1985 study suggests that only about 30 percent of participants in BDSM activities are females. [8] [9] A 1995 study indicates that 89% of heterosexual females who are active in BDSM expressed a preference for the submissive-recipient role in sexual bondage , expressing also a preference for a dominant male , and that 71% of heterosexual males preferred a dominant-initiator role. [10]
A 2019 publication states that a minority of the population engages or fantasizes about BDSM activity. [4] A national study with 2,800 participants showed that about 14% of men and 11% of women had participated in some sort of BDSM related activity and from those results, it was concluded that approximately 10% of adults have joined in some part of the sexual behavior. [4] A separate study of 1,040 participants discovered 19.2% of men and 27.8% of women express a desire to attempt in masochistic behavior, while 13.9% of the men and 23.7% of the women of the sample reported participating in an act of masochism. [4]
A safeword is usually given to the submissive partner to prevent the dominant from overstepping physical and emotional boundaries. It is usually a code word, series of code words or other signal used to communicate physical or emotional state, typically when approaching, or crossing, a boundary. Safewords can have differing levels of urgency - some may bring a scene to an outright stop, whereas others may indicate that a boundary is being approached. A safeword may be used by the Dominant as well as the Submissive if they feel things have gone too far and are uncomfortable continuing.
D/s may be ritualized or freeform. It is usually a negotiated lifestyle, with people discussing their wishes, limits , and needs in order to find commonality. A D/s relationship may be sexual or non-sexual, long- or short-term, and intimate or anonymous. Most adherents search for the essential intensity, trust, and intimacy that are required to make any deep relationship possible.
Based on gender (of the dominant or submissive), D/s can be divided into the following sub-types:
BDSM is the sexual practices of bondage and torture, dominant and submissive, as well as sadomasochism. [3] [4]
D/s participants often refer to their activity as "play", with an individual play session being called a "scene". In addition to "dominant" and "submissive", a "switch" is a person who can take either role. [3] The dominant and submissive relations pertain to two people who play with psychological, emotional, and/or physical dominance. Most of the time in sexual relationships like this there is some sort of power exchange through their physical interaction . [11] A scene between two switches can involve trading off the dominant and submissive roles, possibly several times. In contrast, the terms top and bottom refer to the active ( agent ) and passive ( patient ) roles, respectively. In a given scene, there is no requirement that the dominant also be the top, or that the submissive be the bottom, although this is often the case.
The term vanilla refers to normative ("non- kinky ") sex and relationships, the vanilla world being mainstream society outside of the BDSM subculture. The term comes from vanilla ice cream being considered the "default" flavor. [11]
The term power exchange refers to the empowerment of the dominant by the submissive's surrender to his/ her control. Power exchange is consensual and in reality, it is the submissive that has the underlying control during the relationship exchange. The dominant is attempting to satisfy the submissive's kinks and desires. [12]
The terms top and bottom are used as verbs or nouns to describe the physical play of SM but with less of a focus of the "sadist" and "masochist" part of the activity. They can be used as synonyms for dominant and submissive . [11]
The term dungeon is used as a reference to a space/ room designated for sadomasochism play. It can also be used
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