Dog Asshole

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Dog Asshole

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Have you ever seen a dog be a total asshole, but their owner just dismisses the bad dog behavior as “cute” or friendly? This is…
Have you ever seen a dog be a total asshole, but their owner just dismisses the bad dog behavior as “cute” or friendly? This is one of my biggest pet peeves (pun intended), and I’m not sure if it’s better or worse that most of these dog owners genuinely do not know their dog is being an asshole. So, I thought I would put together a list of bad dog behavior. Ya know, just to clarify things a bit.
Now, before we dive in, I want to make it clear that I do not think every single person needs to take their dog through advanced obedience training. HOWEVER, I do believe every dog owner should train their dog at a basic level. Not only is basic training important to ensure you have control over your pet at all times, but it also teaches your dog how to cope with daily life. Your dog deserves this kind of guidance.
Here are 10 behaviors that you might think are cute, but really aren’t. And as a friendly reminder: there is no time like the present to teach your dog to NOT be an asshole.
Look, I get that some dogs bark a lot, and it can be a difficult thing to train otherwise. Just because it doesn’t bother you, does not mean it doesn’t bother other people. More importantly, if your dog excessively barks at other people or dogs, then your dog has a behavioral problem that needs to be addressed. Maybe they are afraid and need some desensitization training and confidence boosting. Or, maybe they are over excited and need to be better exercised (mentally and physically). Either way, it’s one thing for your dog to bark and alert you to something, but it’s a bad dog behavior to excessively bark.
Like me, dogs prefer to have their personal space. It’s very dominant for a dog to stand over or climb onto another dog (including humping!). So while you might think it’s cute for your small dog to try to climb onto a German Shepherd, that German Shepherd could perceive that behavior as a threat. Even if that German Shepherd is a well behaved dog that doesn’t retaliate, your dog is still being an asshole. So unless your dog is play wrestling with a friend, don’t let your dog, no matter how big or small, climb on other dogs. It’s rude.
It’s one thing if two dogs are playing a game of chase and keep-away. This is a game that all participants can enjoy. It’s a whole different thing if a dog flat out steals another dog’s toy or treat. It even sounds wrong when you read that, right? Yet, I see people laugh this behavior off at the dog park all the time. One dog is playing with a ball or a chew toy, and another dog runs up, steals it, and runs away. The owner laughs, “Hahaha, Bella, you bring that back, hahaha. You little scamp.”
Come on. You know you wouldn’t tolerate that behavior if these were toddlers instead of dogs. Stealing is not an acceptable behavior. Period.
No, I don’t mean a dog who guards a house or protects their owner from harm. I’m talking about the dog who won’t let people or other animals come close to their toy, their food bowl, their owner, their treat, etc. Look, your dog should not feel like they have to guard anything. That is YOUR job as the pawrent. I don’t care if you have a 4 lbs teacup poodle or a 200 lbs mastiff.
This includes all those videos of tiny dogs sitting in their human’s laps, growling when other people approach. “Oh how cute!” their owner thinks, “My dog is protecting me!” No, they are CLAIMING you. Like…as an object. Guarding is a bossy, selfish behavior. It’s asshole behavior. If this is your dog, I highly recommend you reach out to a professional dog trainer for help.
There are plenty of owners out there who recognize this behavior as a problem, but there are plenty who don’t. This problem is especially prevalent with small dogs, because people tend to think, “Oh, how cute! This lil pup likes me!” But not everyone will find it cute. Plus, when a dog jumps on you, it is basically demanding your attention. It’s basically yelling, “PET ME, HUMAN!” And really, that’s just not appropriate dog behavior. Moreover, uncontrollable jumping is a sign of over-stimulation. If your dog is so hyped that they can’t follow instructions, this indicates an area you need to work on. A happy dog is a balanced dog, and a balanced dog is a dog that can appropriately process and manage its excitement.
First of all, it is UNLAWFUL to have your dog off leash in an on leash area (which is most places). If you don’t, you better have 1000% control over your dog at all times. Never, ever let your dog approach another person or dog without permission.
As somebody who had a reactive dog, nothing is more frustrating to me than having a strange dog run up to me with it’s owner running after it yelling, “Don’t worry, my dog’s friendly!”
Cool. This isn’t about your dog. This is about the fact that you don’t know my dog. My dog might not like other dogs. My dog might be fearful. My dog might be dominant. Hell, maybe this one time your dog doesn’t like my dog, or my dog doesn’t like your dog.
Also, I know this is hard to believe, but some people don’t like dogs. Some people are afraid of dogs. It’s incredibly rude to just allow your dog to run up to strangers– dog and human alike– and assume it’s okay. It’s not. It is literally NEVER OKAY.
Nothing is more embarrassing than watching a dog owner chase after their dog yelling commands at it. I see this a lot at the dog park when the owner is ready to go, but their dog isn’t. Some owners laugh this off as their dog being a little scoundrel or having a mind of their own. This might be true, but it’s not something to laugh it. In a nut shell, your dog is being an asshole, and they are telling you that they have zero respect for you. This might not be a big deal until your dog does something dangerous, like bolt out the front door into the street or pick a fight with another dog.
I’m not saying every dog needs to be an AKC Obedience Champion, but you should at least have basic control of your dog at all times. This is for the safety of your dog, and all the dogs around your dog.
Ahh, those dang herding dogs! I should know- Mia was part border collie, and we struggled HARD with her wanting to herd people and dogs around our house. You might think it’s cute that your dog wants to herd other dogs or perhaps children, but this is definitely a bad dog behavior. For one, other dogs might not appreciate being herded, and this is a great way to start a dog fight. Second, kids aren’t cattle and shouldn’t be herded like farm animals. Third, an obsession with herding is another expression of an imbalanced dog.
Sure, as puppies it is common, but it’s something that you should be able to train your dog to do– basic impulse control. If your dog can’t control themselves, this is a good sign that they need an outlet for their drive and better mental/physical stimulation.
Have you see that joke that’s like “Remember: the dog lives here, but you don’t!” I feel like this is prime asshole behavior that some dog owners think is cute. I mean, I’m not saying you have to lock your dog away any time you have guests over, but I feel like it’s a no brainer that you should train your dog to be a polite host. This means not letting your dog climb all over people or your furniture just because they want to. It’s one thing if you or someone else invites the dog into their lap or onto the couch. It’s totally different if your dog forces its way into someone’s personal space.
Another word for this is “harassment.” Yeah, I know you think it’s cute if your dog wants to play, but not all dogs want to play and that’s okay. This is a behavior that older dogs teach puppies really fast, and it’s something that you should continue to teach your dog to remind them of a simple but really important life skill: respect.
Just because your dog is the friendliest, most playful dog in the world who honestly really JUST wants to play does not mean that the dog fight that will inevitably erupt as your dog harasses other dogs is not your dog’s fault. It is your dog’s fault, because your dog was being an asshole.
If reading this list made you realize that maybe, just maybe your dog is an asshole, don’t feel bad. Just recognize it’s time to up your dog’s training a bit! Impulse control, enrichment games , and setting clear boundaries can all go a long way when it comes to curbing bad dog behavior.
Thoughts on this list? Are you guilty of indulging any of these bad dog behaviors, or do you have something to add? Let me know in the comments below!
I Googled “Your dog is an asshole” after an unpleasant trip yesterday to my local unleashed dog park, where this red setter kept swimming out every time I tossed the ball for black lab Mike, getting to it before him and stealing it, depriving Mike of his prize. Mike had to swim alongside the red asshole almost the whole way back before the other dog released the ball. I kept moving down the shore so Mike and I could play our game unintruded upon, but this red setter kept it up, and his owner was nowhere to be found. Then there was a bigger dog who didn’t want Mike’s ball, but to block him when he went to chase it, making him lose sight of the ball and spoiling the throw-and-fetch. This dog’s owner, who was sitting on a bench having a loud phone conversation, said “He’s just running interference!” I finally had to ask her to control her animal, but she didn’t want to hang up, so instead she just called his name from the bench, and he ignored her.. Finally i just gave up and left, angry at people.
Omg, how infuriating! I don’t understand how people can be so oblivious. Stealing toys and harassing other animals is 100% asshole behavior. Of course, it wouldn’t be an issue if asshole owners actually took responsibility for their dogs instead of just letting them run amok…
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Hi, I'm Blair! Welcome to the DINK Dog Mom, where I share everything you need to live a fabulous, full life with your dog.





Nick Bradbury

Ramblings from the creator of HomeSite, TopStyle, FeedDemon and Glassboard Android.


There, I said it. And I'll say it again. Despite being cute enough to make the furry felines at LOLCats.com seem ugly by comparison, my dog is an asshole.
Oh sure, you're probably saying, "deep down, I'll bet he's a nice doggie." But you know what? When you have to say that "deep down" someone is nice, it's because they're an asshole.
We got him when he was a pup, and I named him "Calvin" after my favorite comic strip, Calvin & Hobbes . Like the lead character in that cartoon, our dog is always causing trouble, and he acts like he's living in a fantasy world. Except that the cartoon Calvin was actually a likeable kid, whereas our canine Calvin is truly obnoxious.
Calvin constantly wakes us up at all hours of the night wanting to go outside, but when we open the door for him, he sits there and looks at us as though he's saying, "you don't actually expect me to go out there , do you?" Then he pees on the carpet.
He splashes his paws in his water bowl and treads muddy footprints all over the floor, then scratches at the empty bowl until we fill it up again. He torments every guest by licking their feet, and when we scold him for it, he starts licking the air around their feet instead, like he's testing our resolve. And as soon as we start to pet him, he rolls over and exposes his private parts, then looks up at us hopefully (yes, he's not only an asshole, but he's also a pervert).
By comparison, our other dog, Gypsy, is one of the sweetest creatures you could ever meet. We picked her up as a stray, and every day she acts thankful for being taken in. Calvin, on the other hand, acts like he expected to be living with royalty, and is supremely disappointed at having to stay with mere commoners.
Late one night a few years ago, after everyone was asleep, an old guitar stashed away in some forgotten upstairs closet suddenly broke a string. Fearing it was an intruder, Gypsy (bless her heart) leapt out of our bedroom, ready to tear apart whoever was responsible for the ruckus. But did Calvin try to protect us? No. Instead, he jumped up on our bed in fear and planted his furry behind squarely on my face. As you can imagine, being awoken by a loud noise in your house and then having something hairy smother you is not a pleasant experience.
He's clearly a defective dog, but it's not like we can return him. We have to keep him, even though he steals food from our kids and barks at the slightest noise. I guess we're stuck with him for the rest of his life (and just before he goes to meet his maker, I'm sure he'll find time to poop all over the house).
Don't get me wrong - we love our little Calvin, of course. But he's still an asshole.
Update: It appears that Calvin has taken offense to this post and has written a response .
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Absolutely hilarious. So true - thanks!
OK, now its time to do a follow up post about why you have an unused old guitar! Make some music in your copious amounts of spare time ;)
Pretty much all dogs are evil to me, especially small ones. My family had a puppy last year and the damage it caused to our property, costs of supplies, and then the subsequent medical expenses it cost us from my wife's allergies to pets (which we discovered once we got it of course) was over $2,000.00. Yeah, I love dogs, too.
Nick, great comments. It's good to hear the stories that bring real personality behind the technology worship we tend to deliver.
Sometimes, we can get both. In February, my dog ate the blogosphere: http://www.louisgray.com/live/2007/02/my-dog-ate-blogosphere.html
I have a friend with a similar dog. Turns out the pooch needed some happy meds from the vet, and now he's all peace and love and reasonable behavior. Ritalin for dogs, whodathunkit?
My friend insists we should spray the stuff in aerial form on the middle east.
Oh Daddy, I never knew you felt that way! I'm sorry if only I knew how you felt! You can talk to me you know?
I'll change, I'll be good, from now on, promise...
Calvin, how many times have I told you not to comment on my blog?! It gets my keyboard all furry, and besides, you rarely have anything to say other than "want food" and "gotta pee." Bad dog!
Louis CK fan? If not, check him out on youtube:
Don't you get it, while one dog investigates, the other was trying to wake you up, to check out the sound. The fact that planting the furry smelly end over your face was its choosen technique is pretty funny though.
I love when people right and say what they really think. Won't be long and PETA will be all over you and you may get some face time on one of their retarded billboards right next to Calvin. Hahahahahaha
Calvin - you need a Dogster page so you can blog about what an asshole Nick is.
Whew. I'm glad you finally said this out loud, Nickster. As someone who has frequented Nick's home and known Calvin most of his life, had my feet licked incessantly and seen his private parts (Calvin's not Nick's) I must agree... the little guy IS an asshole (Calvin not Nick). But I too love him. From a distance. :)
My dogs are like furry toddlers. They are extremely high maintenance. They have ruined my yard... there is shit everywhere no matter what I do... I don't know what to do... I love them. I love that they spend time with me late at night when I am cleaning or studying. But my god, my yard looks awful. My poor "Jones" neighbors who are working so hard to perfect the greeness of their grass but nothing detracts from the absolute crappiness of our giant back yard.
I'm thinking like - gravel everywhere cuz at least the shit is easier to pick up. Ummm some tall trees so my neighbors don't have to look at my yard... I'm not sure who I feel worst for my poor bored dogs, my kids who can't play my yard, or my neighbors who just redid their deck only to have to look at my yard. No matter what I do... it doesn't get better.
That is absolutely hilarious, and right on the money. My dogs do the same thing when it comes to sitting on my face but they usually does it when there is a thunderstorm. Thanks for posting it.

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