Dirty Talk While Having Sex

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Dirty Talk While Having Sex
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In the post-#MeToo dating world, dirty talk can be a minefield. Here's how to do it in a way that's respectful — and sexy.
About a year and a half ago, I had my first bad experience with dirty talk . I'd been seeing this guy Will* for a few months, and we were having sex. Then, all of a sudden, smack in the middle of it, he leaned down, pressed his lips against my ear, and hissed, “You like that, don’t you, you dirty little slut?”
Now, we’d both done some pretty intense dirty talk in the past. But there was something about being called a slut during sex that stopped me cold. I immediately asked Will to stop what he was doing, and we talked about what had just happened. He was apologetic, and he never used that word again in my presence.
Don’t get me wrong — I love some good dirty talk. But in the wake of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements , I've been forced to reckon with my own history of harassment. And while I recognize that some women are turned on by hearing words like "slut" and "whore" during sex, for me, it just doesn't sit well.
I'm not alone in this regard. MensHealth.com polled 57 women in their 20s and 30s about their dirty talk preferences, and whether or not they've changed post-#MeToo. While the vast majority of women, or 92%, said they enjoyed hearing dirty talk during sex, many of the women we surveyed (22%, to be precise) said they viewed dirty talk more negatively post-#MeToo.
“I feel like language is a very accurate portrait of our societies, and since #MeToo, there are some words I don’t feel comfortable with," says Chiara, 22. "Some words are just too aggressive." Ariel, 24, agrees: "The #MeToo movement has empowered me to go on the defense real quick."
"Since #MeToo, there are some words I don’t feel comfortable with."
This obviously leaves dudes in a bit of a quandary. If your partner is into dirty talk, how do you know where the line is? And how do you know which words are OK and which ones aren't?
Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all manual for how to talk dirty — but that’s no reason to give up entirely. We asked sex and dating experts and real women what they wanted to hear (and didn't want to hear) in bed. By following these guidelines, you’ll be dirty talking like a gentleman in no time.
Just like anything else that has to do with sex, preferences in dirty talk “vary from person to person,” sex therapist Amie Harwick , PhD, MFT, tells MensHealth.com . That's why “talking about sexy talk prior to engaging in it is the easiest and most simple answer.”
Even though this conversation seems awkward to bring up, there are easy ways to have it. “The best opener involves taking the focus off of you,” says sexologist Megan Stubbs . “It’s easy to say ‘Hey, I was reading that some women don’t like to dirty talk during sex. Is that true?’” That way, you can open up the discussion without being accusatory, and gauge what your partner is and isn't into.
The invention of the smartphone has been a blessing for many reasons, chief among them that it makes setting the stage for dirty talk a lot easier. If you've already sexted with your partner (and 74% of Americans say they have ), then you already have a pretty good sense of what kind of dirty talk they're into.
In fact, your partner might prefer sexting to dirty talk. "Dirty talk in general makes more sense during sexting to me than it does IRL, because IRL I want it to be more specific, and more about what's happening in the moment," says Jeanne*, 27. "I feel more comfortable with someone I know (or at least have sexted with) dirty talking than I do with a one-night stand."
So you've both established that you're into dirty talk, and you've started having sex. This is a good time to start testing the waters. Dirty talk doesn’t always have to go immediately to pejorative phrasing: you can start out by just sticking to describing what you're doing. "You feel so good," or "I can't wait to get you naked," or "It feels so good when you throw your legs over my shoulder," are inoffensive and really hot.
Pay attention to both verbal (i.e., she starts talking dirty to you back) and non-verbal cues. “Positive signs include heavy breathing, and if your partner is leaning into you,” Stubbs says. If your partner starts to tense up, or looks a little scared, then it might be a good idea to stop and ask how they’re doing. “If things are really going in the right direction, a two-second break to check in isn’t going to ruin that momentum,” Stubbs says.
The thing about dirty talk that's so tricky is it's not just dependent on your partner's individual likes and dislikes — it depends on context, too. "It's less [about] the vocabulary and more the attitude behind it," says Meg, 29. "If there's anger behind the words instead of warmth/playfulness, I dry right up."
That's why it's important to keep it light and playful, even in the heat of the moment. If she seems turned off by something you've said, feel free to make a joke about it or say, "Sorry. Was that too far? You're just so sexy that I'm not thinking straight." She'll probably laugh, which will lighten the mood, and you guys can continue with your regularly scheduled programming. Sex is supposed to be fun — there's no reason why you guys have to take it so seriously.
If you’re unsure what is and what isn’t OK, describe what is currently happening in this very sexual situation. Use adjectives to up the hotness, without going overboard.
For example, words like hot, tight, wet, hard, etc. are positive, sexy words that likely won’t offend, but will give you room to talk dirty. For example, if you’re in missionary and making out, you can say, “I love tasting your hot mouth on mine.” or “It feels so good to be inside you so tight and deep. Your body is so hot.”
“I like when a guy tells me how sexy I am when we’re getting it on. I mean, I already feel a little self-conscious so knowing that I’m hot and he’s into my body gives me a boost,” says Britney, 28.
Unless you've discussed it beforehand and your partner is OK with it, there is absolutely zero reason to boss your partner around or demand that they perform certain sex acts. That can lead to her feeling pressured or coerced into doing things she doesn't want to do, and there's nothing sexy about that.
"There is a fine line between dirty talk and abusive/degrading talk," says Caroline, 28. "I don't mind being told I'm sexy or even talked about my body, but I am now more aware of the importance of putting a hard stop at any talk that crosses the line into submission or that puts pressure on me to do something I wouldn't do without prompting."
So instead of using declarative language — i.e., "give me a blow job," etc. — say something like, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you giving me a blow job all day. I love seeing your lips wrapped around me." That way, you've made your intentions clear, without making her feel coerced or pressured.
We cannot stress this enough: different women enjoy different things during sex, and that applies to dirty talk as well. While one woman may be turned on by hardcore or degrading dirty talk, another might find it totally repugnant. That said, there are a few words that are probably wise to avoid right off the bat, particularly if you're early on in a relationship.
Thirty percent of the women we polled, for instance, said they absolutely hated hearing the word "bitch" during sex; "slut" and "whore" were a close second and third, at 24% and 22%. "I've been called a slut too many times in earnest to get off on it," says Layla, 21. Evelyn, 35, agreed: "anything that implies I'm just there to be used for their pleasure is an instant turnoff." So unless she specifically says it's OK for you to use that type of language, steer clear of it, full stop.
Leila, 23, says that even though she really likes dirty talk, when she hears a guy ask her to call him daddy, "bells will go off in my head. Like why is he trying to make me submissive? Is me calling him daddy making me less empowered?," says Leila. So, again, unless she specifically says it's cool, probably best to keep any mentions of family members during sex to a minimum.
Sex isn’t a library — make some noise! If you’re not sure what to say or have lost your train of thought in the moment, moan or just go with a positive, “YES! That feels so good.”
“There is nothing more awful than a guy who is dead silent during sex. I love dirty talk, but I’m OK with some moaning, shaking, and a few grunts,” says Michelle, 25. “Don’t get too animal in the jungle though. I once dated a guy who would legit growl during sex like a wild beast and it was NOT for me.”
Noise is a good segue when you’re figuring out your terrain for dirty talk. When in doubt, always make some noise.
Sometimes dirty talk isn’t as hot as you’d imagine. If you say something, or your partner says sometimes that doesn’t work, you might laugh. The key to a good sexual experience isn’t pretending we aren’t all awkward freaks. Because we are. What makes great sex is someone who is comfortable enough with themselves to know when something just didn’t land.
“I was in bed with my boyfriend and he said something so weird and hilarious. It was like, ‘Your tongue on my tight taint’ or something and we both just busted out laughing. He thought it would sound good in his head and then we both found out otherwise in the heat of the moment,” says Genevieve, 27. “We still laugh about it. He didn’t get all ego-centric or embarrassed, we just laughed it off.”
Sex is goofy, funny, and ridiculous sometimes. When you’re in the midst of dirty talk, you have to be willing to take the absurd with the hot. It’s all part of one big mess of being human.
While you don't necessarily need to do it right after you both have finished, it's important to continuously check in on your partner and make sure you both are on the same page dirty talk-wise, for your sake as well as hers. Stubbs says to focus on positive check-ins instead of negative ones. “Instead of saying ‘I didn’t like it when you bit my nipple,’ frame it as something like ‘I loved it when you got on top last week,’” she explains. And who knows? You might find that you're both so revved up that you'll be ready to go again.
Sometimes, things get said in the heat of the moment that you don’t necessarily mean — and that's not the end of the world. “The language that you use in the bedroom doesn’t necessarily reflect who you are in real life,” Stubbs says. “It never should be held against you.” Just make sure you own up to it and apologize if your partner seems upset or calls you out for it.
In that same vein, though, what happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom. So even if your girlfriend likes to be called a little whore during sex, that doesn’t give you permission to call her that during an argument or any other time outside of the bedroom. And this should go without saying, but keep your dirty talk to yourself: don’t tell your friends about the wild things your partner likes to say during sex.
At the end of the day, the best way to talk dirty like a gentleman is to have the lines of communication open at all times. You and your partner shouldn't be afraid to talk about the things that are and aren't working for you both in bed. "You absolutely have to be able to talk about your likes and dislikes if you're going to have a satisfying sex life," says Steph, 29. "And dirty talk is no exception!"
* Last names have been withheld to allow subjects to speak freely on private matters.

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1. Ask yourself: How do I like to describe my body?
2. Think about which adjectives excite you (hint: recall your favorite compliments).
3. What do you like to do, and what are the best verbs to describe that?
4. Repeat after me: seduce, narrate, check in.
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5. Develop a dirty dialect and take it outside the bedroom.
6. Practice good "yes means yes" strategies.
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10. Take inspiration wherever you find it.
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Tina Horn produces and hosts the kinky slut podcast Why Are People Into That?! . She is the author of two nonfiction books, Love Not Given Lightly and Sexting . Her writing has appeared on Jezebel, Hazlitt, Glamour, Vice, The Toast, The Rumpus, The Slutist, Refinery29, and The Establishment, as well as... Read more
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Communication is at the heart of every sexual connection. Since there are still so many mixed signals about sexual expression, especially for women, many of us struggle to feel confident in our sexual language , whether it’s asking for what we want and or enhancing an experience with taboo scenarios or hardcore words.
Developing a dirty talk style is the same as any other personal style, from your choice of lipstick to your musical taste: sometimes your choices are bold and sometimes they’re routine, but they always express a unique and beautiful you. I’ve been talking dirty professionally — as in, on camera and in print — for a decade. Here are 11 tips I’ve learned for developing your own personal dirty talk style.
One of the fundamentals of dirty talk is understanding how you like to describe your physicality to yourself and to your partners. The language of the body can be one of affirmation as well as erotic possibility. Anatomical language is very gendered, so being able to choose what words you prefer to describe your body, and letting your partners know this is how you prefer to be described, can be a wonderful expression of freedom.
Again, turn the question back onto yourself: do I like textbook words like vulva to describe my bits, or do I prefer X-rated language like cunt or pussy? Think about how the following potentially erotic words are feminine, masculine, or gender-neutral: tits, cock, junk, ass, hair, mouth. It’s your body: take ownership of how it’s described.
In sex as in the rest of life, everyone loves to be flattered. So think about what words make you feel great about your sexuality . Maybe you like to be nasty or filthy on occasion, or maybe you like to be told you’re soft and sweet (hey, you can be both!). Think of words that enhance your self-love — juicy, hot, tight, strong, cute, smooth — and enthusiastically inquire about your partner’s faves, too.
Sex is about action, and the best dirty talk is a call to action. Your favorite dirty verbs could be evocative smut (my favorite, for example, is screw), or a nuanced expression of how you like it: “Pound me!” is a different sort of request than “I want to caress you.” Compliments also go nicely with verbs; “I love the way you suck on me” is a great motivator to get exactly the kind of sucking you want, while "Nobody makes me gush like you do" is a perfectly filthy expression of tenderness.
The students in my dirty talk classes always tell me their biggest hurdle to successful erotic communication is the fact that their minds go blank in the heat of the moment. Here’s an easy to remember tip for that: you can always seduce (talk about the future), narrate (talk about what’s happening in the present) or check-in (return to something that’s happened in the past). To put it as simply as possible: I’m going to fuck you / I’m fucking you / I fucked you.
Seduction can begin weeks before over text, and lead right up to a teasing moment of foreplay, stating your designs on your partner’s body. Present-tense narration is a simple and surprisingly powerful way to transform language into a sort of vibrator for your mind, enhancing whatever you and your partner are already enjoying. And the check-in is a way to get more mileage out of your awesome sex by sending an aftercare reminder, bringing you back into the moment with the simplest sentence.
Dirty talk: not just for the bedroom anymore. Try slipping into some R-rated language during a mundane task, like doing laundry, in order to let your partner know you can’t stop thinking about last night’s hot sex…or how ready you are for round two, just as soon as the spin cycle is over. This is the perfect chance to be a little silly and embrace double entendres: develop your own secret coded language together.
One of the most loathsome critiques of consent culture is that explicit consent takes the thrill out of seduction. My counter-critique: you’re obviously not doing it right! Imagine someone you’re really digging on leaning in to murmur in your ear, “I’m having a really great time with you and I really want to take you home tonight.” Think about how much fun it is to instruct someone exactly how you want them to give you head. Practice being assertive, asking questions, and giving guidance in order to get on the same gloriously satisfying page with your partners.
Let’s say you and your partner want to have a threesome. Before you pursue a unicorn hunt in earnest, why not fantasize together within your established sexual routine? Prompt one another to explore different situations: if we brought someone home from the bar, what would you want to do first? You can narrate things that aren’t technically happening to see how your partner responds to different linguistic stimuli. This kind of erotic improv is the perfect low-pressure way to build on one another’s desires; so when the time comes to bring that real unicorn home, you know a lot more about how to make everyone’s fantasies come true.
Erotic role play provides the chance to get in touch with different aspects of your sexual identity, and you don't need expensive costumes to do it. A simple word can drop you right into a character you want to embody, whether it's a pampered "Princess" who is ready to be serviced by an underling, or a feisty "Puppy" who wants to play rough. Use your imagination to use different words for yourself and your partner: even something as si
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