Dirty Talk Guide

Dirty Talk Guide
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1. Ask yourself: How do I like to describe my body?
2. Think about which adjectives excite you (hint: recall your favorite compliments).
3. What do you like to do, and what are the best verbs to describe that?
4. Repeat after me: seduce, narrate, check in.
Ange-Lise Boulaud / EyeEm / Getty Images
5. Develop a dirty dialect and take it outside the bedroom.
6. Practice good "yes means yes" strategies.
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9. Stop worrying and love the tech.
10. Take inspiration wherever you find it.
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Tina Horn produces and hosts the kinky slut podcast Why Are People Into That?! . She is the author of two nonfiction books, Love Not Given Lightly and Sexting . Her writing has appeared on Jezebel, Hazlitt, Glamour, Vice, The Toast, The Rumpus, The Slutist, Refinery29, and The Establishment, as well as... Read more
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Communication is at the heart of every sexual connection. Since there are still so many mixed signals about sexual expression, especially for women, many of us struggle to feel confident in our sexual language , whether it’s asking for what we want and or enhancing an experience with taboo scenarios or hardcore words.
Developing a dirty talk style is the same as any other personal style, from your choice of lipstick to your musical taste: sometimes your choices are bold and sometimes they’re routine, but they always express a unique and beautiful you. I’ve been talking dirty professionally — as in, on camera and in print — for a decade. Here are 11 tips I’ve learned for developing your own personal dirty talk style.
One of the fundamentals of dirty talk is understanding how you like to describe your physicality to yourself and to your partners. The language of the body can be one of affirmation as well as erotic possibility. Anatomical language is very gendered, so being able to choose what words you prefer to describe your body, and letting your partners know this is how you prefer to be described, can be a wonderful expression of freedom.
Again, turn the question back onto yourself: do I like textbook words like vulva to describe my bits, or do I prefer X-rated language like cunt or pussy? Think about how the following potentially erotic words are feminine, masculine, or gender-neutral: tits, cock, junk, ass, hair, mouth. It’s your body: take ownership of how it’s described.
In sex as in the rest of life, everyone loves to be flattered. So think about what words make you feel great about your sexuality . Maybe you like to be nasty or filthy on occasion, or maybe you like to be told you’re soft and sweet (hey, you can be both!). Think of words that enhance your self-love — juicy, hot, tight, strong, cute, smooth — and enthusiastically inquire about your partner’s faves, too.
Sex is about action, and the best dirty talk is a call to action. Your favorite dirty verbs could be evocative smut (my favorite, for example, is screw), or a nuanced expression of how you like it: “Pound me!” is a different sort of request than “I want to caress you.” Compliments also go nicely with verbs; “I love the way you suck on me” is a great motivator to get exactly the kind of sucking you want, while "Nobody makes me gush like you do" is a perfectly filthy expression of tenderness.
The students in my dirty talk classes always tell me their biggest hurdle to successful erotic communication is the fact that their minds go blank in the heat of the moment. Here’s an easy to remember tip for that: you can always seduce (talk about the future), narrate (talk about what’s happening in the present) or check-in (return to something that’s happened in the past). To put it as simply as possible: I’m going to fuck you / I’m fucking you / I fucked you.
Seduction can begin weeks before over text, and lead right up to a teasing moment of foreplay, stating your designs on your partner’s body. Present-tense narration is a simple and surprisingly powerful way to transform language into a sort of vibrator for your mind, enhancing whatever you and your partner are already enjoying. And the check-in is a way to get more mileage out of your awesome sex by sending an aftercare reminder, bringing you back into the moment with the simplest sentence.
Dirty talk: not just for the bedroom anymore. Try slipping into some R-rated language during a mundane task, like doing laundry, in order to let your partner know you can’t stop thinking about last night’s hot sex…or how ready you are for round two, just as soon as the spin cycle is over. This is the perfect chance to be a little silly and embrace double entendres: develop your own secret coded language together.
One of the most loathsome critiques of consent culture is that explicit consent takes the thrill out of seduction. My counter-critique: you’re obviously not doing it right! Imagine someone you’re really digging on leaning in to murmur in your ear, “I’m having a really great time with you and I really want to take you home tonight.” Think about how much fun it is to instruct someone exactly how you want them to give you head. Practice being assertive, asking questions, and giving guidance in order to get on the same gloriously satisfying page with your partners.
Let’s say you and your partner want to have a threesome. Before you pursue a unicorn hunt in earnest, why not fantasize together within your established sexual routine? Prompt one another to explore different situations: if we brought someone home from the bar, what would you want to do first? You can narrate things that aren’t technically happening to see how your partner responds to different linguistic stimuli. This kind of erotic improv is the perfect low-pressure way to build on one another’s desires; so when the time comes to bring that real unicorn home, you know a lot more about how to make everyone’s fantasies come true.
Erotic role play provides the chance to get in touch with different aspects of your sexual identity, and you don't need expensive costumes to do it. A simple word can drop you right into a character you want to embody, whether it's a pampered "Princess" who is ready to be serviced by an underling, or a feisty "Puppy" who wants to play rough. Use your imagination to use different words for yourself and your partner: even something as simple as Sir, Boss, or Mistress can invoke a powerful new dynamic.
The intersection of dirty talk and technology is such a huge topic that I literally wrote a whole book about it. One of the biggest themes I wanted to emphasize with that project was that every technological innovation is a tool for belonging. From current trends in sexting and video chat to not-too-distant-future ideas like virtual reality sex and artificially intelligent robot girlfriends, we have the power to harness tech for connection instead of alienation. All we have to do is stay grounded in the needs that make us human.
I was recently re-watching some porn DVDs from my collection when I realized I had forgotten how on point superstar Sasha Grey’s dirty talk always is. She basically never stops talking when she’s having sex, and the result is a stunning stream of consciousness. She used a few lines — such as, “Aren’t you lucky you got to make me come today?” — that I immediately filed away for use with the right person.
I’ve also taken inspiration from music (my latest favorite is “Doves in the Wind” by SZA and Kendrick Lamar), movies (I love the way Margot Robbie dominated Leo in The Wolf of Wall Street ), literature (I’ll never stop returning to Anaïs Nin), and erotica (I recommend any anthology edited by Rachel Kramer Bussell).
Now, by “talk dirty with your friends” I do not mean sleep with your friends or stay friendly with the people you sleep with (although I’m not not endorsing that). I mean: get comfortable being open with your friends about sex. Have explicit, emotionally vulnerable conversations with your platonic loved ones: ask for advice, be critical, share knowledge and validate experiences. Make up for your lack of comprehensive sex ed and crowd-source the hell out of your erotic imagination.
Now, learn what makes this woman without nipples feel sexiest:
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You may think of yourself as a suave suitor, but you’re more likely to come off sounding like McLovin’ than history’s greatest lover the first time you try to talk dirty in the bedroom. No worries. Almost anything can be learned with some guidance and a lot of practice. Sadie Allison, a sex and relationships expert and best-selling author, says the best course of action is to talk about what you want ahead of time, but be ready to experiment and have a little fun. “Sex is supposed to be enjoyable,” Allison adds. “People sometimes take it way too seriously, which creates inhibitions and insecurity. My motto is to lighten up, try new things, laugh at yourselves. You don’t need to be good at everything.” Whether you want to test the waters or dive right in, here are 10 things you should consider when adding dirty talk to your bedroom routine.

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“Communication is king. Inside, or outside, the bedroom, communication is the single most important aspect to a fulfilling sex life,” says Allison, a sex and relationships expert for more than a decade. However, you’ll want to gauge how close you and your partner are, so you can be sensitive to her desires. “If you two are comfortable with each other, and have no problem talking about sex and desires, then it should be okay to ask for or say anything in the bedroom. But if you know she’s a little shy, it may be best to talk about sex outside the bedroom first, when you’re not in the act.”
Don’t ask about other partners, how good they were, how good you are by comparison, or if it’s in – all of these questions lack confidence, and confidence is what women find sexy. “How bad do you want it?” Well, she’s in bed with you now, so rest assured she wants it. These questions will only work if you have her beg a little or “work for it.” Likewise, questions like, “Am I the best you’ve ever had?” are uncomfortable to ask a women in the middle of sex. And what are you going to do if she says no?
“For some, nothing is off-limits,” Allison explains, “as both are very comfortable with the fact that much of this is role-playing and for mere pleasure and mental excitement. For others, some may take offense to certain words and feel you’ve gone too far with it, even when it’s in the spirit of good fun.” Begin with generic derogatory terms like “dirty” and “naughty,” and stay clear of “slut” and “whore” unless she’s given you the go-ahead (as well as any names of her friends you want to bed). Ask her what she likes to be called. It’s a great way to get to know her dirty side. You might be surprised by her response.
Sexting is a form of foreplay and words can get a woman very turned on – or off. Start simple, don’t get carried away, and leave space for what happens in the bedroom. If you haven’t slept with her yet, begin by letting her know how excited you are about her. A simple “I’m looking forward to later” is a tasteful way to begin. You can also ask if she’s excited, too. If she replies with a smiley face, she might be too shy to play the game right now, but you can ease her in over time. Remember: Sexting, like sex, is mutual. You both have to learn each others’ triggers and what turns the other on.
If you haven’t actually done… it, go easy with the pre-game sexting. Tease her, tempt her, give a little taste of the evening, but no pictures of your penis for now (or really ever). Don’t ask for or expect nude pictures if you haven’t been together in the flesh. If she wants to send them, she will. And you will be one lucky man. Once you’ve slept with her, you will hopefully begin to understand her body and desires. After sex, a text that reads, “Mmm…” or “More. Soon,” is nice to see the next day.
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