Difference Between Kink And Fetish
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Difference Between Kink And Fetish
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Early Prime Day deals & all the facts
Early Prime Day deals & all the facts
February 10, 2021, 6:00 AM · 3 min read
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You read 50 Shades of Grey. You own a vibrator . You know what a kink is...or do you? We tapped a sex therapist to talk all things kink vs fetish in case you want to explore one—or both—in the bedroom. Strap yourself in, because it’s about to get steamy.
“A kink is something sexual that someone likes to do with themselves or consensually with partners,” says Rosara Torrisi, PhD from the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy . “This is usually something considered outside of mainstream sexual activities.” A kink usually brings extra erotic energy to a sexual encounter, explains Torrisi (think: BDSM, role play or polyamory).
It’s worth nothing, however, that what’s considered kinky is subjective. Case in point: While your mother-in-law might think that sex toys are kinky, your bestie considers them pretty vanilla.
A fetish is similar to a kink, but the difference is that something is a fetish when it MUST be present in order for the person to achieve sexual arousal or enjoyment. This can be an act (like having sex in public) or an object (like feet). The important thing to remember here is that a fetish is something that the person cannot get aroused without—for some people simply fantasizing about the fetish can be enough while others may need to actually engage with the object or behavior in some way.
There can definitely be some overlap between a kink and a fetish so we understand the confusion. Dr. Torrisi breaks down the difference as “whether it's something someone likes to do or if it’s something someone has to do in order to have sexual pleasure.”
Here’s an example: If one night in bed, you accidentally hear your neighbors going at it and it turns you on, that’s kinky. But, if you need to listen to or watch others having sex in order to feel aroused then that’s a fetish.
“Two of the most important things about exploring kinks and fetishes are consent and safety planning,” says Torrisi. That means finding a partner that you can trust and doing your research (like learning how to properly tie a knot, for example). Keep the acronym RACK in mind, which is not a fetish but instead stands for “risk aware consensual kink.” It’s a term used in the kink community to make sure that all parties are comfortable and safe.
“There are really great resources from folks who work professionally with kinks and fetishes,” says Torrisi. She recommends checking out La Maison du Rouge for products, educators, research and more. “Joining a community to learn more about how to safely explore kinks and fetishes is also important,” she adds.
If you are experiencing distress about any kink or fetish, reaching out to a sex therapist could be helpful.
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Sara Sloan, Ph.D., LMFT-A, is a licensed marriage and family therapist associate specializing in relationship and sex therapy. She has a master's degree in Counseling from St. Edward's University and a Ph.D. in English from Texas Tech University.
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The difference between a kink and a fetish.
1. Kinks are more about exploration and variety, whereas a fetish is a sexual necessity.
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3. Some fetishes are problematic or dangerous.
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Both fetishes and kink are becoming more mainstream.
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"Kink" and "fetish" are terms that have become commonplace in the American lexicon over the past decade. Often these terms are used interchangeably for unusual sexual play, but there are some important distinctions that separate the two. Here's the difference between kinks and fetishes.
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Kink is an umbrella term that encompasses all "alternative" sexual interests—basically anything that's outside the more common, mainstream forms of sexual activity. Most prominently, this includes all of the aspects of BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism), but it also includes group sex , polyamory , cuckolding , pegging, pony play, " littles ," and much more.
As you can imagine, what's considered "kinky" and "out of the norm" might vary depending on the individual. It's based primarily on your generation, culture, and religion. For instance, your grandmother might find dildos or doggy style to be a form of kink, while those same things might be considered vanilla and boring to her grandchildren in Gen Z.
A fetish is a very specific requirement, either based in psychology or sensation, that is necessary for an individual's sexual arousal and enjoyment. Fetishes can involve inanimate objects (such as high heels), known as form fetishes, or specific materials (such as leather, silk, or vinyl), known as media fetishes. They can also be focused on specific body parts (like feet or breasts) or even specific types of partners or behaviors.
Many people have some slight fetishistic behaviors—a voluptuous butt, for example, is currently a popularly fetishized body part—but a true fetish is when an object or behavior is required for sexual arousal. A fetishist would typically not be able to experience sexual arousal without it.
Oftentimes, kinks overlap with fetishes, but what separates the two depends on whether the behavior or item is required for sexual arousal.
These days kink is used to spice things up. By increasing sexual excitement, kink can be used to also enhance the intimacy of the experience. Many couples engaging in kink don't need the behavior to enjoy sex; instead, kink stands to increase the connection that's already present. For instance, a person who enjoys spanking their partner during sex may use a hand or riding crop to do so. It isn't necessarily the spanking itself or the object being used that increases excitement but rather enjoying using them with their partner. This same couple may incorporate a blindfold as a form of sensory deprivation and receive the same kind of enjoyment the next time.
Kink is something used to enhance sex, but it isn't a requirement for it. A fetishist, on the other hand, may always need their interest to be included in sexual play in order to get adequately aroused.
Kinks and fetishes often overlap. Most fetishes are kinks, though not all kinks are fetishes. For example, a leather fetish is also a form of kink. But spanking or cuckolding might be a form of kink that someone enjoys but not necessarily a fetish, insofar as it's not necessary for their sexual pleasure.
Fetishes can sometimes be more extreme and disruptive due to the constant requirement of their fetish for sexual pleasure. For example, someone with a serious foot fetish might need to constantly look for partners who are game for foot play for them to have a satisfying sexual life; in such a case, their fetish might become a dominant part of that person's life and identity. (This might be different from someone with a big breast fetish, on the other hand, who will have much less trouble finding sexual experiences that cater to that.)
Some fetishes can even be dangerous, whether for the fetishist or the object of their desires. For instance, someone with a voyeurism fetish (aka voyeuristic disorder ) needs to spy intentionally on unsuspecting people to become sexually aroused. Someone who can only be aroused by children (aka pedophilic disorder ) also has a clearly problematic fetish. Both of these fetishes don't allow for consent and cause clear harm to others if acted on.
Some fetishists will seek psychological treatment when they find their fetishes interfere with their relationships or cross over into illegal territory. However, most fetishes are not illegal. The more disruptive cases may be diagnosed with fetishistic disorder , which involves having a fetish that causes distress or impairment to the individual or harm to others.
The year 2020 marks the ten-year anniversary since the American Psychiatric Association announced it would be changing the diagnoses for BDSM, fetishism, and other kinky behaviors after pressure from the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom . When the new edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) was published in 2013, these new definitions created a clear distinction between behavior and pathology. It separated nonconsenting abuse from consensual enthusiastic alternative sexual interests.
Generally speaking, many kinks and fetishes are starting to become common fantasies experienced by the majority of the American population, and the taboo around these diverse forms of sexuality is beginning to break down. For instance, research conducted by social psychologist Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., through the Kinsey Institute, has found that multi-partner sex, such as threesomes or orgies, were desired by 95% of men and 87% of women . Along the same line, BDSM fantasies were common in 93% of men and 96% of women .
While fantasies don't always play out in reality, these studies show that there is nothing abnormal about the kinky desires. In fact, those looking to experiment with all forms of kink are joining what's becoming more mainstream by the day.
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Sara Sloan, Ph.D., LMFT-A , is a licensed marriage and family therapist associate specializing in relationship and sex therapy. She has a master's degree in Counseling from St. Edward's University , an MFA from Columbia University , and a Ph.D. in English from Texas Tech University . She is a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists and the Sexual Health Alliance . She has a private practice in Austin, Texas.
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Let’s talk about kinks and fetishes, shall we? These two terms are sometimes used interchangeably, but are they the same thing? The short answer is no, not really. The longer and more interesting answer is that while both sexual behavior descriptors can apply to fantasies, scenarios and acts that tend to fall outside the realm of more traditional sexual activities , they actually have two different, distinct meanings.
So what is a kink? What is a fetish? And most importantly, what's the difference between a kink and a fetish? Where does bondage and BDSM or sensation play fit in? We’re going to tell you all you need to know about kinks and fetishes, what they are, why they are not the same thing, and, if you’re intrigued, how you (and possibly your partner(s) can explore kinks and fetishes safely.
Let’s dive right into kinks for beginners . The term kink is actually an umbrella term, and a whole lot of activities fall into that list of kinks . Generally speaking, things relating to sexuality that may fall outside of mainstream activities or desires are labeled as “kink.” Don’t shy away from asking questions about what you may be interested in. Such as “ what is cnc kink ?” or “ what is wax play ?”, because if you don’t ask you’ll never know! Popular sexual kinks include BDSM, role playing, cbt kink , spanking, group sex and voyeurism but there are many, many more.
Keep in mind that kinkiness is extremely subjective. Some folks might find vibrators kinky, while others think they are a pretty typical part of their sex life. For some folks, kink involves bondage whips , chains, and leather masks, and others might find sex with the lights on to be just kinky enough for them. None of these people are wrong. Kink means different things to every person, and that’s okay!
While a sexual fetish is similar to a kink in that it’s usually a less ‘traditional’ sexual interest (popular fetishes include, but are by no means limited to, masochism, group play, sadism, feet, humiliation, and whipping), there's one key difference between the two. When someone has a sexual fetish, whether it’s outdoor sex ual play , cock and ball torture, whatever, the sexual act or object is necessary for sexual arousal to occur. In other words, what makes a sexual fetish a fetish, is the need to focus on that object or act or specific fantasy, etc, to get turned on.
For some folks with fetishes, thinking or fantasizing about their fetish could be enough, but others need to actually touch a foot, have sex outside, have their balls flogged, etc to get turned on at all.
While people sometimes refer to kinks as "fetishes" and vice versa, they aren't the same. A kink can be any object(s), act, or fantasy that enhances your sexual encounters. Fetishes, on the other hand, are specific scenarios, fantasies, objects, acts etc. that you require to become aroused/turned on.
Here’s a simple example: if your partner spanks you and you enjoy it, that’s a kink. If you can’t become aroused unless your partner spanks you, that’s a fetish. Again, no one thing is inherently a fetish, it’s the focus on that particular act/object/scenario that makes a fetish.
You absolutely can, and lots of folks do! For example, if you enjoy role-playing (kink) and need to be restrained to get off (fetish), you have a kink and a fetish. You can even play with the intersection of the two by, for instance, role playing as a sexy spy who has been captured by the enemy. Kink and fetish exist harmoniously!
Both kinks and fetishes might exist outside of what many consider typical sexual behavior, but that doesn’t mean exploring your specific sexual desires is wrong or dangerous. As with any sexual activity, one key to exploring your kinks or fetishes safely is consent from all involved. If you and your partner are into it, then game on! This does mean, however, that kinks or fetishes that involve doing things in public can be tricky. For instance, if you think it would be sexy to walk your partner on a leash through a shopping mall and they consent to it, that’s one thing. But here’s the problem: everyone else in the mall has not consented to being a part of your kink. To act out a kink or fetish safely and ethically, it must not include anyone who has not explicitly agreed to be part of it.
Another key to safe kink or fetish play is awareness. Be conscious of what your sexual interests are and how they impact your life, and also, be aware of how those interests may impact the lives of others. Kinks and fetishes are totally normal and very common, but when people get so caught up in pursuing their own desires that they ignore its impact on others by, for example, indulging in exhibitionism by having sex outside with no regard for people who did not consent to see you have sex, that’s when things become problematic. A good rule of thumb is to make sure anything you do is consensual, legal, and doesn’t inflict bodily or mental harm on yourself or anyone else.
Safely exploring kinks or fetishes is, in many way
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