Did I Just Have An Orgasm

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23 Reasons Why She Didn't Have an Orgasm
I feel like I should bring you into a hug and repeat “it’s not your fault,” just like the ending of Good Will Hunting. It’s not your fault. I mean, sometimes it’s your guys’ fault. But, I know first hand that it takes a lot to make a woman come. That wasn’t a pun. We have to be both psychologically and physiologically ready to reach kingdom come. (That was a pun—keep up). It’s hard work out there even for the gods and goddesses of the bedroom, and what works for your partner probably seems like a mystery. Well, I’m going to help you out by telling you what doesn't work. You know that one Norah Jones song that sounds like how drinking wine feels? I know, they all do. But this one has the lyric, “don’t know why I didn’t come”? I know why. I always know why I didn’t come. Here are the reasons:
You kept asking me if I was about to come.
The global rise of the far right is freaking me out.
I was making come-adjacent sounds and you thought I came, so you stopped doing what you were doing and now I’m for sure not coming.
You said penis. Don’t say penis. Adults having sex don’t say penis.
I remembered how you said you wouldn’t get married if your wife didn’t take your last name and I got sad.
I thought about how you sound like the penguin from Toy Story—Wheezy—during the second half of sex and now I can’t stop internally laughing.
You cut peppers tonight didn’t you? You touched habanero at some point in the evening. I can feel it. Stop. Wait, no it’s fine. Keep going. WAIT. NO. STOP. IT BURNS.
I said to the left. To the left. Please move your tongue a few millimeters to the left.
I thought about the fact that Guy Fieri has a dick. I didn’t mean to think that.
I noticed what looks like a Gatorade bottle of pee in your room.
You wanted to let the dog be in the room. I’m not coming in front of a dog. No one should have to see humans have sex, let alone another species.
You were silent. Eerily silent. Like when you’re the first to wake up on a snow day silent.
The cock ring was a bad idea. I’m not laughing. I’m just… Okay, I’m laughing. It looks like your dick is getting engaged.
You kept asking me “why?” during dirty talk. Look I said I liked sucking your dick. Don’t make me question myself.
What do you think the clit is? It’s higher.
I thought about how sex looks like two trash bags full of mashed potatoes running full speed into each other repeatedly. Oh my god.
I was trying to read the titles of the books on your shelf while you were fucking me from behind and I saw that you own I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. I shouldn’t be here and I know that and I’m definitely not going to validate your lifestyle by coming for you.
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