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A few friends have seen my stand-up comedy joke sets, and commented, “dang Bri! Now that we’ve seen your jokes, we KNOW you give head!”
OF COURSE I give head, I’m looking for a PARTNER.
Blame changing social norms, blame pornography—point is, the dating game has CHANGED. Blowjobs are part of the dating milieu. Who knows what will be on the table 100 years from now? Anal? Rim jobs? Maybe at the end of the first date a shy couple will stand on a front porch and instead of a cheek kiss, they’ll bang through a hole in a furry costume! I don’t know much about the future, but I do know a thing or two about sucking a dick.
So strap in, it’s going down! You can read more Let's Do It with Bri Pruett stories like " How to Suck a Dick—Part 2 ," " How to Get Your Dick Sucked ," " How to Pick a Sex Playlist ," and more here !
HOW TO SUCK A DICK 1. You gotta really want to suck that dick
A half-assed blowjob isn’t good for ANYONE. Sometimes “liking” a dude is NOT ENOUGH. Sometimes you gotta have your own romance with that dick. Is the dick approachable? Attractive? Do it smell good? Is it intimidating? Ask yourself: Do I want to get involved with that dick?
Check it out before you commit to anything. If it’s your first time with this dude, feel him up a bit first, over the clothes while you’re making out. Examine it up close if you need to. Remember, just because you pulled it out doesn’t mean you HAVE to suck that thing.
I can already feel your protests filling my inbox like it's a warm mouth: DON’T TEACH FOLKS TO BE COCK TEASES, BRI! I know, I know, you’re worried about the much-discussed blue balls. But I’m thinking of the “greater blowjob good.” People didn’t start appreciating wine until they started putting some in their mouths and spitting it out again.
And why are you so worried about blue balls? There are plenty of sex acts that don’t end in a big jizzy orgasm, so cool your jets and enjoy all that life has to offer! Porn and NASA rocket launches have taught you to always be working toward one ENORMOUS THROBBING CUM FACIAL , and you just gotta let that go. When you do, it’ll lead to some deeply satisfying sex—and you won’t always be racing to the finish line.
No one should be giving blowjobs because they feel like they’re obligated to… Maybe it’s the 3rd date, or maybe you’re married and this is the only dick in your world right now. There are a lot of other good reasons to suck a dick! Because you want to, because it turns you on, because you like being in control, because you like the noises he makes, because you like being responsible for those noises, because you like the way it feels in your mouth, because you like the way he looks at you while you do it… When you are in the mood, it’ll be a better blowjob. 2. First Contact You’ve made up your mind. This dude is getting brain, YOUR brain, all over the tip of his dick (it isn’t such a cute expression on the other side of the verse is it KANYE ?). So now you’ve got to get your mouth all on it. Is he un-circumsized? Pull back the skin down and taut, very important. Most of the nerves in the penis are at the tip, and under side (aka the dark side).
PRO TIP: Maybe you’re nervous, or you been smoking pot—either way, that dry mouth is NOT gonna work. Keep a glass of water on your night stand or an emergency bottle of water in your sex kit. You don’t have a sex kit? Why not, what happened to it? Ugh, do you even WANT to get better at this?
There’s a rhythm to sucking dick, and it starts slowly. Pace yourself. Don’t slam it down your throat right away (if ever). I like to mark my territory first, gently make my presence known with a warm tongue on the underside of the dong in question. When everything is wet, it’s more sensitive.
With all sexy business, anticipation is a tenuous thread. Wait too long, and the anticipation fades to impatience. The boy you are working on will tell you with noises (and maybe words) when to move on to more rhythmic contact. 2a. Position
OH I FORGOT! How are you even put together? On your knees, while he’s sitting or standing? Are you both lying on your side? OR is he lying on his back, while you get into what the yogi’s would call “modified child’s pose.” (gross… awful… terrible)
In any case, being higher than him, and having the greatest range of motion is going to give you more torque. Meaning that you shouldn’t be reaching to suck his dick, like a baby giraffe stretching his tongue to eat from the cock tree on the dusty savannah.
Be comfortable. If your knees give you trouble, don’t do it that way. If your hips give you trouble, it’s gonna be tricky to have your ass up in the air. OH speaking of asses! If he’s in love with yours, make sure he has access to it, if you’re into that kind of thing. Or maybe he worships your tits. You know this dude (or maybe you don’t, no judgements!) there are lots of little things to make this a memorable blow job. Roll out the red carpet! Life is short!
Author’s Note: I’d be remiss if I did not mention the cheapest dinner-for-two in town, “69.” So named for the percentage of the time it fails to get its participants off. Still, the supporters of 69-ing are numerous and may they have simultaneous oral experiences for all their days! I personally cannot concentrate on giving a blow job while sitting on someone’s face. If you take pride in a blowjob, if you are wanting to give your requiem performance, skip the 69.
On that note, the rest of the messy details to follow—tune in next time and I’ll tell you how to DISMOUNT AND FINISH THE JOB!
Wishing you great love and epic blowjobs, @BriPruett
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Good day Dan, I need your help with something. Recently I had a conversation with a friend (she's a straight female, I'm a 2-Spirited one) and she said to me, "Men who are 100% straight can have sex with other men and still call themselves totally straight... That's their self truth, they're still straight."
I thought that was a cop out. I get that everyone has the right to refer to themselves any way they like but I'm not necessarily gonna believe them. My thinking went, ok, but what is so hard for them to just say, "Hey, actually, I"m not 100% straight"??! Obviously, there are lots of reasons why it's hard to do that (history has been very unkind to those who are not completely in the hetero box, there's a lot to lose, I know first hand). But imagine a world where every single person who wasn't "totally straight" just said it at the same time?!
Anyway, my friend was quick to point out that I"m pretty closed for thinking the way I do, for not thinking a 100% straight man can sleep with other men and still refer to himself as straight. Of course, he can SAY it, a person can SAY anything. Doesn't make it so, dude. I mean, isn't that what that unit of measurement means?? 100% means completely, totally, the whole kit and kaboodle, etc. Am I wrong in thinking the way I do, Dan? Am I closed or dismissive because of my beliefs? What am I missing?
Dudes Identifying Correctly Kinda Significant
I see where you're coming from, DICKS. Straight means straight and a guy who fucks other dudes isn't 100% straight. But... it may not be so simple.
Your friend is kindasorta correct. A straight guy can have sex with another man and still be a straight guy—even a 100% straight guy. Why? Because kissing/blowing/fucking a dude isn't gonna turn a straight guy into a gay guy. So if the guy wasn't gay before kissing/blowing/fucking a dude, he's not going to be after. Because, you see, self-identification isn't always congruent with behavior and behavior isn't always congruent with desire and blah blah blah. Think prisons, pirate ships, and boardings schools—think situational homosexuality .
Now most straight-identified dudes who fuck other men aren't in prison, on pirate ships, or at all-boys boarding schools. So I happen to agree with you, DICKS, that a dude who fucks dudes isn't 100% straight. But can those guys still identify as straight? Sure, if that's how they feelz. But while it may be "their truth," per your annoyingly high-minded straight friend, it's not the truth, per you and me, all sensible people everywhere, facts at hand, objective reality, etc. (Straight girls who lecture gay men and 2S guys about how homosexuality works. Bless their hearts.)
A few more wrenches to throw in the werks: There are straight guys who don't have dicks, DICKS. A straight guy with a dick could find himself in a relationship with a guy with a vagina. (Guy with dick marries woman with vagina, woman transitions to male, couple remains married. Voila: a 100 percent straight guy is having sex on the regular with another dude .) There's also something of a a huge fucking double standard when it comes to straight guys and sexual exploration. Straight-identified women are allowed to be sexual with other women and still identify as straight (%100 even), while men who have sex with other men—even once—spend the rest of their lives being told they're really bisexual or gay because there's no way they could've done that otherwise.
There's also the difference between being homoamorous and homosexual, heteroamorous and heterosexual, biamorous and bisexual, and various combos of all of the above. There are guys out there who like to fuck guys and girls but only fall in love with girls. I think those guys are bi and most of those guys identify as bi. But some identify as straight. You know, for reasons. (Bi erasure is a game anyone can play.)
All that said, there are guys out there who claim to be 100% straight while bouncing from cock to cock to cock—guys who, again, aren't in prison or on pirate ships. Now we all want to live in a world where straight-identified guys can mess around with another guy once or twice without being told they're gay, but we can't be naive and/or credulous: we currently live in a world where homophobia runs rampant. Some men who sleep with other men claim to be 100% straight because they have no choice—it's not possible to be openly gay everywhere ( Chechnya , Jamaica , Vatican City )—but others claim to be straight because they think there's something wrong with being gay and they hate themselves and other gay men, including (especially) the gay men they fuck. (See: " Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock? ," The Onion, October 28, 1998.) It's not always possible to determine who's identifying as straight under duress and who's identifying as straight due to internalized homophobia. But it's how we passed the time before Twitter and Fidget Spinners came along.
In conclusion, DICKS, I'm with you: people can identify however they like—and we should respect people's identities and not be assholes to each other and blah blah blah—but we're not obligated to believe everything a person says. I mean, Liberace, Ted Haggard, Elton John, Larry Craig, George Michael, and I all identified as straight once. For reasons, good and bad. It was nice that our parents, fans, congregants, and constituents played along. But we were lying. Which is not to say that all straight-identified guys who sleep with or have slept with other men are lying. But it's a stretch to say they're all truthing.
Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com .
Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org !
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