Diary.

Please read the disclaimer before reading it! Present: mention of self-harm, alcohol. Description of violence, rape, detailed description of abortion.

Jennifer came into the house with a pleasant weariness. The trip wasn't easy, and the rehearsal was exhausting. The girl had not been to her parents for a long time and came to visit them. But that wasn't the only reason. After exchanging warm but brief greetings with her parents and avoiding dinner, she hurried to her room. The door creaked with a familiar sound, and Jen froze on the threshold. The room greeted her with unnatural sterility: every thing was in its place, as if time had stopped here. Even the dust that usually accumulated in the corners was absent. She sat down on a battered chair, and her fingers reached for the old desk cabinet. Somewhere there, in the depths, there must have been the most intimate thing — the diary into which she once poured out all her thoughts. Her hand found the hardcover, and her heart began to race.

The girl blew the dust off the cover, holding her breath. Everything was here. Even the most terrifying secrets that no one knew about. Even the parents.

"Don't..." flashed through her mind, but curiosity was stronger. With a heavy sigh, she opened the notebook.

Her own sloppy handwriting floated before her eyes. The ink was blurred from moisture in some places, and some of the pages were yellowed, but the text was still legible. The first recordings were boring — school days, empty thoughts. But then…

05.07.****

I think I'm going to start leading you normally, diary! I met ████ yesterday, and he was such an interesting conversationalist that it took my breath away. I even forgot to write in my diary, oops... But in general!!! We chatted about everything until the evening, unfortunately, I had to run home. We have an appointment tomorrow after his work. Honestly, I'm very excited, but I'm so glad!! I haven't met such people for a long time. And yet, he didn't pay any attention to my prosthetics, as if he didn't care about them at all. That makes me happy, of course... I'm tired of paying attention to them.

Jen guessed whose name had been crossed out. Her fingers unconsciously squeezed the page, but she forced herself to read on.

06.07.****

Turns out he works at a bar nearby. I've passed by a couple of times, but of course I have nothing to do there. He was always complimenting me, and I was just smiling awkwardly. Precisely! He said he played the guitar and invited me to listen, but so far I've declined. Going to visit an unknown guy somehow... strange.

A little profile about him!!

First name: ████

Last name: I haven't found out yet

Age: 21 years old

Interests: Music, Philosophy, Parties

Hobbies: Playing games, guitar

Job: Bartender

An unpleasant pang shot through her heart. She had a flash of his face, with a sardonic grin on it. Deciding not to dwell on it, she continued reading.

For several weeks, the notes were empty: schoolwork, thoughts about the future. But then…

05.08.****

He handed me a bouquet of lilies. We've been dating for a month! I blushed with emotion —he remembered that these were my favorite flowers. We didn't walk for long, I had things to do at home.

P.S. He kissed me on the cheek :)))

The girl's face twisted in disgust. It's time to take a break. She got up from her chair and went into the kitchen. She sat back down with a glass of cool compote and continued reading.

6.08.****

I couldn't meet him today, but I chatted with my friends. We went shopping, watched everything.

07.08.****

I've been thinking about ████ all day today. My stomach twists so much at the thought of him that I'm already losing my mind. He's a great fighter!

I told him that before the new year I would definitely stop by and listen to his game. He was a little upset, but agreed. I don't know, Mom told me not to visit strange uncles. I trust him, of course, but I'll be careful.

- there was a proud angel smiley face painted in the corner-

09.08.****

I thought about writing here about any little thing, but my whole head is full of him. All sorts of obscenities come to mind, well, nooo. Shoo, shoo, damn thoughts. We'll go for a walk next week, while he's busy. Oh, this is an adult job.

15.08.****

I've been nervously thinking about him all week, and I couldn't even sleep properly. But we finally met!!! I was a little blown away when he hugged me, he hadn't done that before. But it was really, really nice, so I didn't get upset... I talked a lot about how much I missed you, but we'll have to meet less often because of work. I was very upset. Then he bought me a chocolate bar so I wouldn't be so sad. We also parted in a hug, but this time he held me longer.

I almost died on the spot from embarrassment!!! What are you doing? >^<

16.08.****

Today he told me that he doesn't like my friends. Especially Anthony and a few other classmates... Well, maybe he's right, and I really don't give him much time.

Jenny was still sitting there with dislike, but she continued to read. The next page was torn out, and she wondered why... Remembering abruptly, her cheeks blushed with shame, and she cleared her throat and continued reading.

19.08.****

It was a great day! I did a lot of things and went for a walk with ████. Oh, and I finally finished reading the book my mom recommended. I didn't really like it, but I'm happy that I've mastered such a volume.

01.09.****

Study again. It's not that I hate her, but now I'll be able to date her much less often. :(((  

05.09.****

I really miss ████...

17.09.****

Today I was finally able to meet him!! He was happy, but he reproached me a lot... That I didn't call often, that I was still in touch with Anthony. But I've been busy... And I didn't plan on leaving my friends. I didn't like his behavior. I'll try to discuss this with the girls...

18.09.****

I asked the girls for advice. They said you shouldn't mess with someone like that, leave him. We were horrified by our age difference. I don't know, he is. Special. Yes, everyone has bad days, but he takes care of me. I'll talk to him about it later...

Jenny didn't remember all the details of what had happened, but the basics of the past surfaced in her head.

It was evening, the girl met him after his shift. She waited at the bar, uncomfortably turning away from other people's drunken grins.

They sat down somewhere in the depths of the park. It was clear from Neil that he was not in a strong mood to talk. But after a few banal "how are you?" the girl began:

— Listen, I've been thinking... Don't we have too much age difference? Well... — the girl wanted to add something else, but she was abruptly cut off.

— What are you getting at? If you don't love me, say so. There's nothing to mess with my head, — the words came out sharply, with anger in his voice.

— No, I... — the girl was afraid of such sharpness.

Her eyes darted, she didn't know what to say. Yes, how dare she doubt him? She felt ashamed. But she didn't do anything wrong, did she? Sort of...

— I love you... It's just that it confuses others. I'm 6 years old after all, and I'm not even 16... — Jen answered briefly and directly, trying to be sincere.

— Does that bother you?Do you want to break up? Go ahead, but then don't cry into my shoulder. And don't tell your girlfriends that I'm so bad. — Neal pressed on her, looked at her with sparkling eyes of malice and loomed over her. There was a difference between them not only in age, but also in height, which made it seem like the girl was about to be crushed. It became difficult for her to breathe.

"Please stop." I just wanted to discuss my feelings," Jen whined, almost crying.

The guy tsked irritably and replied:

— Stop whining and looking for problems where there are none. I'm dating you, and that's enough. In short, you'll pretend that this conversation never happened. Did you get it?

—All right, Neal…

Jenny wiped the cold sweat from her forehead. It was only after everything that had happened that she realized how terrible it had been. Even she herself didn't understand what she was thinking then.

29.11.****

The new year is coming soon, and I do not know what I want as a gift... As if everything that comes to mind is not valuable enough for such a holiday... It's been a long time since I've had such a hard time coming up with something.

But the good news is, I'm going to visit ████ !!!! I've been wanting to listen to him play for a long time, he boasted so much that he was training for my arrival :3

Jen nervously sipped the contents of her glass, remembering further events.

31.12.****

What happened today... There are no words, I have a storm of emotions. I'll write it in order...

1. I immediately realized that he was a little drunk. The house smelled of alcohol and something else incomprehensible, I don't know what that smell was.

2. He plays very cool, I liked it. In response, I boasted that I started learning to play the drums six months ago!! He joked that we could make a band, I just grinned.

3. We... We kissed!! I'm still in shock, but I'll tell you how it was. He suggested we put something on the background, and we chatted for a long time. It got dark outside and there was only the light from the TV. Romantic, isn't it? :3 Is shorter. Then he pulled me to him and kissed me on the lips. Honestly, I almost blurred out... It was so good!! But I didn't show it and hid my face from embarrassment. Then we just sat with our arms around each other.

4. He gave me his guitar pick, and I said I would keep it safe for the rest of my life. You should have seen his smile!

Anthony said today that he was embarrassed by such a relationship, but I didn't understand him. I'm pleased, of course, that he cares, but ████ a good person.

The girl's face no longer expressed emotions, but anxiety was beating in her chest. With each venerable entry, she was more and more carried away by that time. It was as if she was reliving everything, but with renewed vigor.

That unfortunate entry was on the next page. Something told the girl to pull back and take a break... But will you want to read more later? After a few seconds of thought, the page was opened. She was greeted by multiple strikethroughs and blurred letters from falling tears. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she bent over the text.

28.06****

I don't know, maybe I shouldn't be writing here again. But I need to talk it out... I can't tell my friends, they'll be very worried and God forbid they tell my parents. Then I'll throw this diary deeper... In early June, he invited me to his place to celebrate my graduation…

Jen was transported back to that day.

She clearly remembered that she had just turned 16 that day. With great enthusiasm, she went to her lover and went over a lot of good scenarios in her head, completely unafraid of this adult man. He met her at the door of the apartment, and without letting her take off her shoes, he picked her up in his arms. Before she could even squeak, he bit into her lips. The girl broke into this kiss. Clutching his shoulders feverishly, she hummed softly, still a little embarrassed. It felt like forever before he released the girl and let her take off her shoes.

— Well, shall we have a drink? —  His voice sounded sweet, but his fingers dug into my wrist too hard. Jen laughed nervously, like it was a joke.

— But I don't drink... — the girl answered timidly, not expecting such a question.

— Come on, it's graduation! You live once,— the guy kept trying to persuade her.

— well... Good. But I won't do much! I still have to go home...— the girl agreed awkwardly.

— Yes, yes. 

Jen sat down in the hall, waiting for the guy. She was a little nervous, but she tried to calm down. Still, she trusted him, and convinced herself that everything would be fine.

Neal poured her a glass of something strong. She didn't know if it was cognac or rum. And she didn't want to understand. She looked at the liquid reluctantly, with fear, not daring to take it.

"Do you want me to help you?"

He took her hands in his and brought them to her lips. Sticky bitter taste. My throat tightened.

The guy was talking about everything, but she didn't understand half of it. Her head was spinning and her body was so sluggish that she had to lie down to avoid falling. 

When the fog in her head cleared a little and she was finally able to comprehend what was happening, it was as if she had been electrocuted. Neil was lying next to her, stroking her thigh. But it wasn't that that surprised her, it was the fact that she didn't realize how drunk she was. He came close to her ear and spoke sweetly:

— You know, I've been thinking about this for a long time... We're close enough, aren't we, sweetie? How about becoming a little more mature? — the guy said, taking small pauses between sentences. He was pretty drunk too.

The girl didn't know what to say. Scary. It's dirty. She felt it was too early for that. But his mind was clouded by the strong drink. Neil continued to stroke her thigh, which made her lower abdomen tingle more and more alarmingly. Jen wanted to refuse, at least to wave it off, but her body wouldn't obey at all. He pulled off her sweater. Jen tried to say no, but her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. The ceiling floated up. She tried to hold on, but consciousness left her.

I woke up in pain. He was looming over me. Her head was hazy, but she could clearly see the predatory gleam in his dilated pupils. It smells of sweat and alcohol. She tried to push him away, but his hand fell like a whip.

"You want this," he whispered, and for the first time there was irritation in his voice. - All the girls want to.

Jen closed her eyes. Somewhere far away, a clock was ticking. She seemed to be counting those ticks so she wouldn't go crazy.

Neal began to undress her, throwing her underwear far away. His movements were burning with desire, he was rude. I felt uneasy.

The air is sticky and incredibly heavy. My mind kept drifting away. She only remembered that she was watching closely, or at least trying to make sure that he put on a condom. The guy unfolded it. His hands are rough, but his voice is gentle, like that day in the park: "You are special...".

She barely remembered what happened next. Only the sensations of pain, heaviness and a bitter taste on the lips.

Morning.

Jen was sitting in his bathroom. Knees are pressed to the chest. She scrubbed her skin with a scented gel, trying to wash away every trace of herself, but through the scent of mint and jasmine, his scent still emerged — cheap cologne with notes of sweat and something sour, like sour wine. Jen froze when her reflection flashed in the mirror: a pale face with eyes like a dead fish.

She didn't remember how she got home. Her parents weren't there, and although that fact calmed her down a bit, it didn't get any easier.

...After a couple of weeks, I realized that I was wildly sick. The first thing I did was check the food, but everything was fine. My stomach felt sick. I didn't even want to think that it was possible. But I quickly ran to get the test.

I was looking at him.

Two stripes.

First, the laughter. Hysterical, hoarse. "It's a mistake. It doesn't happen that way."

Then silence.

I was sitting on the bathroom tile with my knees pressed to my stomach. Something seemed to be moving inside. Not a child. Not life. Someone else's. Not mine.

But how... I remembered that he was wearing it.…

I froze in horror, but realized that I had to act. Thanks to my friend for agreeing to take me to the gynecologist. I'm going to the procedure tomorrow. En, you were right.

There was a crossed-out inscription at the bottom: Am I dead?

Jennifer blinked and realized that tears were coming to her eyes. She was just as scared as she was that day. No. Stronger. The girl recoiled and tried to calm down. Take a deep breath and exhale slowly, several times. It became a little easier.

29.06.****

I went to the gynecologist today. The sensations are disgusting, but the doctor calmed me down in every possible way. She put two pills in front of me. Small and big.

"The first one blocks hormones. The second one will cause contractions," that's how they explained it to me.

I swallowed the first one there, under her supervision. Bitter, as if she had chewed aspirin.

At home, I put the second pill under my tongue. It should resolve in 30 minutes. I nervously looked at the clock.

19:03 - the beginning

19:17 - my mouth felt bitter, like wormwood

19:24 - the first cramps, like menstruation, but angrier

19:31 - saliva became viscous, I was afraid to swallow, suddenly it is impossible

20:45

The pain became sharp, stabbing. It's not like menstruation, it's like someone is twisting the uterus from the inside out. I curled up on the bathroom floor, biting into the towel. Hot tears burned her cheeks.

"This is normal," I remembered the doctor's words, after my fears.

But what's normal about your body pushing out pieces of your own flesh?

23:12

Blood. A lot of blood. Clots. I didn't look, I just washed it off over and over again. The water turned pink, then clear, then pink again.

I was sitting on the toilet and shaking. Not only from pain, but from awareness. This is not just a "procedure". I'm killing. No, I've already killed him. Now my body is just getting rid of the evidence.

20.07.****

The pain has subsided, but my stomach feels burned out from the inside. In the morning, I felt a lump - the uterus is still swollen. In the mirror, there is only a grayish-tinged face and blurred features.

I took a painkiller and thought: now we have something in common. We're both murderers. He killed the man in me, broke my trust, stifled it. And I killed the consequence, a piece of flesh that had not yet had time to become a child.

Written in the margins with a trembling hand: Was it alive? Was I alive when it happened?

21.07.****

I do not know how to live with this body. It's not mine anymore. In the shower, I scratched my skin until it bled, but his scent still seems to haunt me. Mom asks why I don't leave the room. I said I was sick. I'm not lying. I really felt very bad.

But the parents don't know anything about it. By some miracle, I was able to hide everything. I was too afraid of a scandal.

13.08.****

Anthony called. Again. I dropped it. Then she turned off her phone. He left a voicemail.: "Jen, at least tell me you're alive." She didn't write it. Let him think I'm dead. That's what I am.

01.09.****

Anthony was waiting for me outside the school today. His face was pale, and his eyes were red, as if he hadn't slept in several nights. "Jen, you promised that we would apply together."

I tried to walk around him, but he stepped forward, and at that moment I saw fresh scratches on his wrists. I... couldn't tell him anything.

08.10.****

"Do you want me to kill him?" That was the first thing En said to me today. There was no anger or grief in his eyes, just emptiness, just like in my mirror. I told him he didn't even know who he was talking about.

"I know. You stopped smiling in June. I remember that you were dating a guy from a bar, and I never saw you together again." I didn't answer him, just ran home.

23.10.****

I came out of the entrance and immediately saw him — Anthony was standing under the drainpipe, but he was still wet from head to toe. His pink hair, usually so bright, was darkened and matted on his forehead.

The girl remembered that meeting very clearly. Something turned over in her that day. 

—Hi,— he said hoarsely. We haven't seen each other for two weeks.

Jennifer nodded and tried to walk past.

—Jen, wait," he stepped forward, blocking the way."I... I can't do this anymore.

There was a tremor in his voice that she hadn't heard before.

—You're not answering your messages,—He nervously ran a hand over his face, brushing away wet strands, — I know something happened.

— It's none of your business,—she said abruptly, and was about to leave. 

—I won't climb,— his voice was quieter than the rain. —But I'll be coming. Every day. Until I find out that you…

—That I don't cut my wrists?— the girl turned around sharply, and immediately regretted it.

His face contorted as if she had spat into his soul.

— That you won't disappear like you did in June.

The rain was running down his cheeks, skirting his thin features.

— I don't need you to save me,— she whispered, but her voice faltered.

— I don't need your permission.

He took a step forward, and Jen saw that his knuckles were raw, as if he had been hitting a wall.

— I'm not asking what he did, — Anthony said slowly, as if through glass. "But if that bastard."..

—THAT'S ENOUGH! A sharp scream tore through the deserted courtyard. A window slammed somewhere above.

And then she felt something hot running down her cheeks. "You.".. — she sobbed in surprise, — you really are... Are you worried?

The words stuck in my throat. Jen hasn't cried since that day. I thought there were no tears left in her.

Anthony just stood there, staring at her with wide eyes.

—God, Jen,— his voice cracked. —Don't you understand at all? I…

He wiped his face sharply on his sleeve.

— I thought you were going to die." And I don't even recognize it.

And then she burst into tears for real. For the first time in all these months. Right in the middle of the street. He hugged her.

Awkward. Carefully. As if he was afraid it would crumble. His hands were shaking. Jen buried her face in his wet jacket. It smelled of cheap detergent and something else-something that was just "Anthony."

— Bones... "You're made of bones," he whispered into her wet shoulder.…

His hand gently rested on the back of her head, pressing her shoulder. Jen could feel his heart beating, fast, fast, like a frightened bird.

His hands were trembling, clasping the girl's back—where there used to be soft curves, now the vertebrae were palpable.

The next pages were scratched out in anger. In some places, the handles are even torn from sudden movements.

30.04.****

This is my last entry. Today we were sitting on the fire escape behind my house, and I suddenly noticed the sparkle in his blue eyes. He was saying something about The Cure's new album, and I…

I suddenly realized that for three days in a row I had been waking up not thinking "how will I survive this day", but with a vague expectation of his message.

He told me about the fresh scars on his wrists yesterday. Not all of them — just the ones that are thinner. He spoke while biting his lip, and for the first time in six months I touched someone's wound. Not to cause pain. She just ran her finger over the raised scar, and he flinched, but didn't pull his hand away.

We didn't talk about ████, we didn't talk about the clinic. But when he awkwardly hugged me goodbye (it smelled of sun and rain), I suddenly realized:

— I love him.