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Miranda KaneWednesday 22 Mar 2017 12:00 pm
Finally! Your handy guide to knowing the difference between your A-Levels and a Girlfriend Experience.
Since time immemorial, sex-workers have had to rely on slang and abbreviations to advertise what they offer.
At the moment, it’s totally legal to be a sex-worker – the act of exchanging money for sex is perfectly fine – you just can’t ‘solicit’ in public.
There’s no real definition of what that means so a collection of ciphers, codes and cryptographs worthy of The Da Vinci Code are what we’ve had to rely on to advertise what we offer.
Many of these date back to when postcards were placed in newsagent windows and telephone boxes.
Others have sprung up since the internet made sex-work easier, simpler and safer.
So here is a beginner’s guide to some of my favourite slangs.
It’s everything you’d do with your partner, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, whatever.
It’s the basics; it’s hugging, kissing, licking, blow jobs, hand jobs, oral, penetration.
I can’t really put it more simply than that.
Although when I first started, and hadn’t managed to research these things, I had just come out of a relationship where the ‘Girlfriend Experience’ meant picking up his pants and complaining about his mother.
Same as the Girlfriend Experience, only louder and more expensive.
We pull more exaggerated faces and say, ‘Oh yeah, oh god yeah!’ a lot more, because porn has taught you that’s how sex should be done, right?
Frankly, if you’re the kind of idiot who thinks a penis in a vagina can be anymore magical than it already is, then you deserve to lose the extra money.
That’s correct, snogging is not automatically included in the Girlfriend Experience.
I would always say it was discretionary, as I’ll have no truck with green teeth or halitosis.
Turning up at the door with a cold sore on your lip means a one-way ticket to the blacklist.
Oral WithOut – basically oral without protection.
It’s fairly common because no-one likes the taste of latex.
Reverse oral – going down on your service provider. One of my favourites!
For all you naysayers out there, a lot of people think that sex workers are all about giving.
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Not so – I’m definitely about taking.
It surprises some people to find that we also get sexually satisfied. I would say it’s only polite.
There’s no way to put this in a more polite way – it just means ‘anal’.
Yes, it needs to be specified whether it’s offered or not – and far too many civilians don’t realise that sex workers come with their own ‘don’t’ list.
A-levels was right at the top of mine.
Exit only. Don’t touch the chocolate starfish. Leave my balloon knot alone.
I, however, have a 12in black strap-on with your name on it.
Cum In Mouth / BareBack Blow Job To Completion.
Two different acronyms for the same romantic gesture of blowing your love-shake into someone else’s gob.
Again, always best to check this is offered first as a kick in the dick often offends.
The weird and wonderful acronyms of sex worker slang can be a minefield, made difficult by a nearly impossible legal framework surrounding advertising services.
However, it’s always best to check a sex worker’s do’s and don’t list.
If there’s something you specifically want to try, call and ask – don’t just assume everything is offered.
Equally, if you’re unsure of what anything means, they will be happy to explain.
Miranda Kane will be previewing her show ‘Crossbones’ throughout London. Please see www.mirandakane.co.uk for details.
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