Deviant Doctors And Nurses
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When you buy a Mediterranean Twilight #2, emerald dusted, full body, pvc cat suit; the guy that takes your money, and wraps it up in the special non-stick paper- perv-paper Kink calls it- this guy, he tells you ‘good choice’. He tells you ‘thank you’ he tells you ‘come again’. He leads you to believe you just made a well thought out, sensible purchase. This guy with his too neat moustache and hedgehog spiky ears- what he doesn’t tell you, is to make sure you talc the inside up before dancing away to the mojito tango. What he doesn’t tell you is that the hidden zipper that runs from your shoulder blades round to the very front of your crotch is a bitch to find in a dimly lit bathroom stall at the back of that questionable little joint on 7th street. The one that plays the jazz meets hip hop meets bhangra meets nu wave funk all damn night long. What he doesn’t tell you is, Oh Jesus, Mary and Guillermo, to make sure you scoop yourself back inside before wrenching that zipper back up. ALL of you. * Kink says it’s a good idea. Kink promises it will be fine. Kink purrs ‘don’t be such a fucking pussy’ as she flexes her bicep and hones in with the needle. Kink says there’s nothing more fanfucktastically healthy than a shot of Special K on a Thursday night. What Kink doesn’t say as she climbs over- taking your arm and forcing your hand into a fist- penetrating the curve below your bare shoulder, is that this is the worst fucking idea she’s ever cooked up in that meth-lab cranium of hers. What Kink doesn’t tell you is that you’ll end the night knowing yourself more intimately than you ever would have liked. No. Kink, with her big blonde hair and shiny teeth so white it’s like she only uses them to smile, Kink with her thick lashed doll-eyes and her leather lingerie set- so shiny it crackles as she leans forward to dump the ash flaking at the end of her fag- she tells you you can stick your K-hole theories up you’re A-hole and chill the fuck out. People are so good at leaving out the negatives. Everyone’s a fucking salesman. At around 4.30 that afternoon you’re a med student slash delinquent slash on your last warning slash communal junky. As the clock strikes midnight you’re not worrying about turning into a pumpkin or whose cheap-rate, peeling paint, sticky blanketed condo you’ve left your goddamned glass slipper at. You’re slouched up in your living room, your fingers full of intestines. You’re trying to keep your innards in. Looking back, you realise how pointless and downright retarded it was to use a scalpel to cut the long, skinny, white rails across the mirror lying on the table. A credit card, yes, a razorblade sure… a scalpel; now that was just you being a pretentious dunce. But it seemed so totally awesome the night before, you reason in your head as you snatch at a memory of you- eyes blood red, cliché nurse’s outfit unbuttoned you, on your knees with something in your mouth that doesn’t belong to you. However, you don’t ponder this too long as memories have already become irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Like how soft your face is and how orgasmically comfortable your chair has become. Kink, she’s sitting bent over so far her eye-sockets have moulded onto her knees. They have become one. Kink, she’s no longer Kink at all, but a human pretzel. Five minutes later she’s gone. The Pretzel has left the building people. You recall her saying something about the rain and dancing and nuts, but the concept slips quickly into your unknown. Whoever decided to make scalpels so freaking shiny was a dick. At around 4.30 that afternoon it’s just a scalpel; swiped from class while you were hacking open the small bodies of mice. Just another reminder of the night before during which you quite probably possibly maybe contracted herpes. What with your luck. As the hour hand creeps closer and closer to full erection it becomes your friend, Glinty. Kink says it will be fine. What Kink doesn’t say is that in ten minutes or so you’re going to be royally fucked. You don’t really feel the first incision. The neat little blade slides easily along the flesh above your navel. It slips gracefully between your layers of skin, all seven of them and leaves behind a thin trail of black, that quickly webs out and ebbs and grows. Your blood, it only looks black until it spills down your stomach and stains your jeans. When it hits the denim it explodes out into living crimson flowers. The second incision- as you rake the blade through your rapidly gaping slit- you unearth some freaky yellow shit. You peer down with your nose wrinkled and you place the scalpel to the side. You finger the puckered edges of the gaping, menstruating mouth sliced across your stomach. The flesh there being white only a memory. You dig first one, then two fingers into the mess that’s spilling out your abdomen, poking and swirling the yellow fat peeking out from your newly acquired hole; ugly and pimpled like citrus fruit. Its then, as you finger yourself that you feel it. That smooth, smooth snake. You try and get a hold of the serpent hibernating in the depths of You but it’s like trying to grasp an eel with your hands covered in mayonnaise. Digging your hand in until you’re up to your knuckles in hot blood and whatever that clear stuff that’s beginning to leak under your fingernails is, you manage to lace your thumb and forefinger around the alien-slick tube. You pull. By the time Kink comes back in, you’ve been pulling for quite some time. What you’ve found, that tentacle with no end that’s so damn slippery in your sticky red hands, that’s your small intestine. The average human has a small intestine measuring 23 feet. In your lap- hamocking down in between your thighs like some obscenely long umbilical cord- you have about five feet of you. You’ve been pulling for quite some time. And you’re beginning to feel it. Kink, she blinks a few times before turning round and retching into the cactus pot. She comes over and she tells you you’re fucked. You say you know. The two of you, after several minutes discussion, your newly freed gastro-worm cooling and congealing all the while, you decide perhaps a phone call is in order. You agree an ambulance sounds like a pretty damn good idea right about now. Kink. She says it will look best- it will be less embarrassing- if you try and ‘push that goddamn thing back in’. She’s on top of you, straddling you, trying to shove back the horrific rope you’ve birthed. She’s prodding and shoving and the ketamine is starting to wear off. As you fade in and out of consciousness in the ambulance, Kink holds your hand in hers the whole way. When you get to the hospital and they go to rush you away- when you let her go- nothing happens. The blood coating your hands and hers, its congealed while she was sitting telling you not to scream so loud; she was getting a headache. As she peels her hand from yours there’s an audible crunching noise as the crusted sticky stuff divides. At around 4.30 that afternoon you were a med student. As the doctors are pawing at you, shoving tubes and nozzles in every orifice imaginable, you’re telling them- as best you can on the morphine- they should rethink their kit. You’re telling them that dull razors are the future. You’re telling them velcro’s the way to go in the PVC industry. Even as you go under you’re muttering some revelation. Some idea. Some plan. Some anti-home-self-DIY device…. Everyone’s a fucking salesman.
DOCTORS AND NURSES: THE BIRTHING PROCESS.
(You don't need to read the original Doctors and Nurses to understand this one, neither does this follow on from the original, the characters and narrative style are just the same)
When you finally come around it's dark. And wet. The last thing you remember is plucking a splinter from the old wooden fence out your ass, Kink giggling manically; a blonde troll among the bovine shadows.
You came down to the farm the night before. An educational retreat Kink told her father- who's asleep upstairs in the separate cottage, half a mile down the way. Finding yourselves. Making your peace wit
might rewrite sometime, liked the idea but not sure with how it came out... waaaay to tired to do anything about it
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omg u should so become a writer! ur stories are crazy intense....n a little but just pure crazy
thanks, though you really need to start listening more when people talk lol, I DO want to be a writer
Woah, that was amazing. XD Reminds me of Chuck Palinuik's work. lol
Haunting in its detail of her revealing her sub-cutanaeous layer of fat lying just over her intestinal tract, haha but not as haunting as the detail in which to apply a catsuit to oneself; scoop yourself back in indeed ;D
lol, i like the opening. the pulling out of the intestines made me nauscious because its written as if you've tried this. I like it.
lol thanks, but I doubt thats healthy
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Tonight the UK had 'The Big Night In' Telethon, raising funds for those on the front line of our struggle against Covid-19. I'm a little bit of a Whovian, so this particular gathering was a real highlight for me; With respect to Messrs Hartnell, Troughton, Pertwee, and Hurt (R.I.P. all), I noted the one sad absence was that of 'Number 9'. But actually, I like to think he'd already played his part in something that I think may have been even more poignant; Please take care out there everybody. And take care of those around you that need it. We must and we WILL get through this.
Gentlemen. Ladies. Stuporheroines. Old Lardy's been having a bit of a tough time at work over the last couple of years - don't ask - you don't want to know and I can't tell you. But just as Blofeld gleefully identified himself as the architect of James Bond's pain - well this bulbous Bond heard tonight his own personal Ernst Stavro is swanning off in a couple of months... Sometimes there are times not for Lamentation but Celebration; and here a few cheddary delights that are getting more airplay than they probably deserve to around Lardy Towers tonight; Erasure - A Little Respect (Official HD Music Video) - YouTube Smash Mouth - All Star - YouTube Tony Christie - (Is This The Way To) Amarillo [Official Video] - YouTube The Who - Baba O'riley - YouTube Transvision Vamp baby i don't care top of the pops 6/4/1989 - YouTube U2 - Beautiful Day (Official Music Video) - YouTube Evanescence - Bring Me To Life (Official Music Video) - YouTube Pulp - Common People (Official Video) -
An Order of Lions, Kittens + A BUCKET OF VINDALOO!
Ladies, Gentlemen, and Hadalis Tonight, the unthinkable happened - the England Football Team won a semi-final! They've only ever done it once before, and the 1966 World Cup was 11 years before even I was born. We've made 3 semis since then, the Germans edging us out on penalties at both Italia90 and Euro96, and the Croatians passing us off the pitch rather brilliantly in Moscow 3 years ago. And tonight we faced the Danes, a side playing with the passionate hopes of a great nation and the love of virtually every neutral since the dramatic collapse and subsequent recovery of their talismanic playmaker Christian Eriksen in their opening game. England had home advantage, with the semi-finals and final of these uniquely pan-European Championships taking place at their national stadium of Wembley. A fortress for sure, but far from an impregnable one. And the Danes came to break English hearts, and take one further step to repeating their incredible triumph at Sweden 92 after being dragged
Around the World with Lardy and Friends?
Hello Friends, Fwends, and Fiends Can you help me with a silly something? I was wondering if between us we might have visited every country in the world. Anyway, I've started below with adding my little avatar to the very few countries that I've been to (The UK where I live, Andorra, France, Ireland, Israel, the Netherlands, Palestine, and Spain). If you've been to a country not ticked off below, please tell me, and let's see if we can tick off all 197 countries between us. We can but try! (Just to say I've just put the first person down for each place - DA seems to have been throwing a wobbly with the amount of linked folk) AFRICA Algeria Angola Benin Botswana Burkina Faso Burundi Cameroon Cape Verde Central African Republic Chad Comoros Democratic Republic of Congo Djibouti Egypt @JordieVerse21 Equatorial Guinea Eritrea Eswatini Ethiopia @RenderPretender Gabon (The) Gambia Ghana Guinea Guinea-Bissau Ivory
I've had 3 more pressies! I really am a lucky old perv! First came in Janus3003, and what more can I say than, 'Hot Diggety Damnsel' I think Carl Hog and I are on to a winner here; Then I had the joy of a pressie from the other side of the world! The lovely JordieVerse21 has only been on DA for a month, but with art like this, I hope she's here for a long old time! THIS is how to weat Jedi robes... And last and by no means least, my old mucker akizz, my very favourite Kyrgyzstani. It's SO nice of Vera to visit on this most delightful day of the year;
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Amazing that Tom Baker is still around
A Fitting Tribute; Well Done Nathan
Not sure who Nathan is, but great work indeed
OH I thought I was still talking to Nathonomir. In My Own Defense I am Blonde and was unsupervised at the Time.
With you all the way...come from a long line of Doctors and Nurses..Keep safe and thanks for the show of support.
Credit to the Good Doctors and their, um, Companions, that put it together
I was a little shocked to see how frail Tom Baker is looking. I don't think I've seen him since his 50th Anniversary cameo.
Nor me, and I thought similar to be honest. But 86 years young now...
Keep distance but close at hand my friend... and take care yourself
My Dr. Who was Tom Baker. That's who I grew up with. Though I really enjoy David Tennant.
I loved the Tom Baker Target books, but to be honest I was only 4 when he gave up the keys to the TARDIS...
Hurrah! Someone even older than me on DA!
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Deviant Doctors And Nurses
