Deep Throated

Deep Throated

InStyle is part of the Dotdash Meredith publishing family.

Dr. Jenn Mann is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the relationship expert behind InStyle's long-running weekly column, Hump Day. She is best known for her hit VH1 show, "Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn," and her popular call-in advice Sirius XM radio show, "The Dr. Jenn Show." She is a bestselling author, most recently of The Relationship Fix .

I enjoy giving my boyfriend head. And not to brag, but I think I'm pretty decent at it. Recently though, he has hinted that he wants me to try deep-throating. In the porn I've watched it looks pretty intense — and I'm worried about my gag reflex. Any tips for how to deep throat for a first-timer? — The Shallow

I respect your willingness to swallow your pride, so to speak, and come at this with an open mind (and gullet). As you seem to already know, the gag reflex tends to be the biggest inhibitor of the deep throat technique.

Also known as the pharyngeal reflex or laryngeal spasm, the gag reflex is the contraction of the back of the throat that occurs when triggered by an object touching the roof of the mouth, back of the tongue, tonsil area, or the back of the throat. It is meant to prevent things from going down your throat that aren't supposed to be there, and to stop you from choking. The unfortunate truth is that our throats are not designed to swallow dicks! That said, some people have it easier than others in this category. Studies show that 37% of people do not have a gag reflex . On the other end of the spectrum, 10 to 15% of people have a hypersensitive gag reflex (HGR). Regardless of where you fall, you can learn how to deep throat if you care to. Consider these tips and then dive right in.

There are throat training exercises you can do to help desensitize your gag reflex. Keep in mind, this training must take place over time in order to be effective. Pick a phallic-shaped object, starting with something small like a toothbrush or your finger, and slowly move the object toward the back of your throat. When you feel yourself starting to gag, stop and try to relax while taking deep breaths in order to suppress your gag reflex. Try to hold it there for 10 Mississippis.

The more you practice this, the sooner you will see improvements. Once you are able to hold it there for the full 10 seconds, experiment with moving the object in and out slowly. This may stimulate your gag reflex even more. Make sure to keep breathing. Once you have conquered this with a small object, work your way up to a dildo. Hot tip: Do not practice this with a banana. It could break off into your throat and cause you to choke, which would be a very embarrassing way to go.

Positions that create a straight line from the mouth to the throat, allowing the penis to go there, are ideal. There are a few positions that are particularly good for this type of sword swallowing endeavor.

Whatever position you try, one of the most important things is that you are able to feel comfortable, safe, and relaxed with your partner. Feeling pressured or scared, besides creating a very negative experience for you, will lead to you tensing up the muscles in your jaw and your throat, which makes it less likely that you will get the results you were hoping for. Coming up with a signal that lets your partner know to stop is of the utmost importance, as is open communication any time sexual experimentation is going down.

When it comes to deep throating, creating optimal breathing opportunities and using breath to help you to relax are important ingredients for success. Stuffed up with a head cold? Wait until your sinuses are cleared out, then try.

Try experimenting with your breathing. Inhale as you slide him out, using that moment to take a breath. Try the reverse as well, inhale as he is going in and exhale as he is going out. Many experts recommend sticking your tongue out or flattening it in order to allow the penis to slide further down the throat. Keep in mind that this leaves your soft palate exposed and available to poking and prodding which is likely to trigger that gag reflex.

Go in hydrated like you are about to run a marathon. Dehydration is your enemy. You need saliva to do a good job. Putting some lube on your lips or on him can allow your mouth to go up and down smoothly which helps the whole process. If you are able to bring his penis into your mouth far enough, the back of your throat will begin to lubricate with a thick saliva.

There are many different tricks that are recommended to enhance your deep throat technique. They range from old wives' tales to more scientifically-based recommendations.

In order to feel safe and have a great experience, talk it out first. And make an ejaculation plan in advance. Are you comfortable swallowing? How do you want to be warned that he is about to cum — and where do you want it to go? Most importantly, like any sex act, this should be about wanting it. You should never feel pressured or coerced. With that? You're far from the shallow now.

In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.

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Carina Hsieh
Sex & Relationships Editor
Carina Hsieh lives in NYC with her French Bulldog Bao Bao — follow her on Instagram and Twitter • Candace Bushnell once called her the Samantha Jones of Tinder • She enjoys hanging out in the candle aisle of TJ Maxx and getting lost in Amazon spirals.

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“Think about how it feels when you swallow a big pill and practice opening your throat that way.”
When it comes to blow-job techniques , deep-throating is seen as one of the most intense tricks you can pull out of your sleeve. Other than being the alias for a Watergate informant, deep-throating, the sex act, refers to when the blow job giver puts their partner’s entire penis down their mouth, so far so that it reaches their throat . While the simplistic definition might not sound super hard, when you factor in a gag reflex (you know, that natural thing that your body does when you’re choking), it becomes tricky. Three women get super honest about their experiences deep-throating, what made them try it, what they like most about it, and their best advice for how to go about trying it for yourself, if you’re so inclined.
Woman A: It was probably the first time I gave head, honestly. No one had ever really taught me what to do, so based on what I’d seen in porn, I thought you had to get the whole penis in your mouth to really do it right. My first partner didn’t have a huge penis, so it wasn’t an issue then, but it hasn’t always been so easy, depending on the size of their penis.
Woman B: I had been dating my then-boyfriend for a few months, and we were starting to explore more sexually. One day when I was giving him a blow job, I put his penis as far down my throat as I could until I gagged a bit. He let out this deep moan and I realized how much he enjoyed it, so I kept doing it. I read articles about how to do it better, and I learned that I also really enjoyed deep-throating.
Woman C: The first time I deep-throated, I gagged, my eyes watered, and I was really confused as to why I was turned on by literally choking. I had been with many well-endowed guys before and had given plenty of blow jobs, but the first time I went down on my now-husband, I had to deep-throat because his penis was so large. Lo and behold, I really liked it. It was something about him being in control and knowing how much I turned him on that made me want to do it again on my own.
Woman A: Giving head has always been a little bit of a mystery to me. Even after having dozens of partners I still never know what exactly they like about the way I give head. I’ve always wanted to try everything I can think of to get the job done. This was especially true when I was younger and had less experience, so I was just absolutely going for it.
Woman B: It just kind of happened one day while I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. I didn’t have a strong urge to try it, I just wanted to see how far I could put his penis in my mouth.
Woman C: Honestly, I knew how much it would turn on my man because he loves getting head so the thought of surprising him, deep-throating, and turning him on got me going.
Woman A: For guys, I imagine it’s a combination of factors. Receiving pleasure on the whole penis at once has to feel really good. I also think there’s something super hot to guys about their partner working hard physically to please them. I know my current partner gets really turned on by challenging me physically in that way. I think a lot of women enjoy going to the extra mile to please their man. It can be empowering to feel like you’re giving them something special that they don’t get all the time. Personally, there’s also something sexy about being submissive and servile to my current partner by letting him go as deep as he pleases. I know my boyfriend likes hearing me gag and seeing my eyes water a little bit, and I think it’s pretty hot too. Of course, this only works for me because we’re really close, and I trust him to stop if it becomes too much for me.
"It can be empowering to feel like you're giving them something special that they don't get all the time."
Woman B: For me, the appeal is pleasing my partner, but I also feel pretty accomplished when I can fit a giant penis all the way down my throat. It’s a deeply intimate act I enjoy sharing with my partners, and I take pride in giving a good blow job. Several partners of mine have mentioned that the best part of being deep-throated is that the person going down on them is so enthusiastic about it, that they’re willing to put their penis all the way down their throat. They also say that it feels good for them, and that they enjoy the tight sensation of going down their partner’s throat. Also, it’s messy and some guys really enjoy sloppy head.
Woman C: For guys, I think it’s submission thing. There’s something sexy about that domination even if there’s no handcuffs or blindfolds. By deep-throating, I am literally letting you all in. For women, at least me personally, the appeal is about how much it turns on my man. I can literally feel him get harder the deeper his penis goes, which is extremely sexy—especially when he’s playing with me at the same time so there’s the double sensation.
Woman A: Not really, in my experience. Or they’re not vocally asking, at least. I feel like most men aren’t very verbal about their desires in bed. I’ve gotten the “head push” a lot before, which doesn’t really fly with me. Deep-throating isn’t exactly comfortable, so I like to do it on my own terms. I wish more men would be open to having a dialogue about what they want, that way their partners can try to work up to that without being disrespected or coerced into it.
Woman B: I have never had a partner specifically ask for deep-throating, but they have asked for blow jobs. If I’m really into it, I’ll take the whole thing into my mouth and down my throat when I’m giving them head. Once they realize I have this skill, they tend to ask for blow jobs a lot more.
Woman C: Not in my experience, no. It’s something I’ve typically taken initiative to do unless we are in a kind of kinky rougher sex type situation we’ve discussed beforehand.
Woman A: It’s nice, but I don’t think it’s essential. I have a really sensitive gag reflex so it’s not something I’m always in the mood to do. Plus, it’s physically exhausting. The other day I deep-throated my partner so hard for so long that I ended up with a huge bruise on the back of my throat. It felt like I had strep and it hurt to swallow for three days. We were both kind of turned on that I’d managed to do that, but for the next few BJs, I had to avoid deep-throating and honestly, he seemed to have just as much fun even without deep-throating on the table.
Woman B: It is not at all important. It is fun and a different sensation, but it isn’t vital to a great blow job. Having fun and enjoying the experience is what is most important.
Woman C: Honestly, you don’t have to do it to give a good blow job or to please your partner, but in my experience it takes your skills to an entirely new level…especially if they aren’t expecting it.
Woman A: I’m a singer, so I learned by thinking of “lifting my soft palate,” which is essentially raising and opening the muscles in the back of your throat. Think about how it feels when you swallow a big pill and practice opening your throat that way. Experiment with different positions and find what’s most comfortable for you. Breathe. Go at your own pace and insist your partner to be patient with you! That’s major for me. If I’m not feeling it, I’m not going to put myself through hell to please somebody when there are plenty of other ways to orgasm.
Woman B: Practice! If you have a penis to practice on, start giving more blow jobs. With each blow job, practice opening your throat just a bit more and letting a little more penis enter your throat. Don’t try to go all the way the first time or you’ll gag. When deep-throating, make sure your partner knows that you control the pace, not them. Relax and have fun!
Woman C: Just go for it and stop when you’re ready to stop. It’s not the most glamorous thing, but it’s worth it, in my experience.
Woman A: My gag reflex is terrible. I pretty much almost throw up every time I brush my tongue in the morning. I’ve heard looking upward is supposed to help and also squeezing your thumb, but neither method tends to work much for me. I don’t love the feeling of gagging, but my boyfriend is actually really into it when I do, so I don’t judge myself. Actually, just last week I gagged so hard, I threw up a little bit, and he didn’t mind that either. Maybe that’s gross for some, but I think it just depends on how comfortable you are with each other. If you hate to gag, just slow down, and remember to breathe through your nose. And stop when you want to. It’s not the end of the world!
Woman B: Gagging is an inevitable part of deep-throating. You’re not going to stop it completely, so it’s best to just roll with it. Guys I’ve spoken to say that they enjoy the gagging. So when I do gag, I play it up. I grab his penis in my hand, pull it out of my mouth and gasp for air, then I usually spit on his shaft while looking him right in the eye, then I go back to sucking on his shaft. It feels very porn-star-like, but I enjoy it and so do my partners.
"Gagging is an inevitable part of deep-throating."
Woman C: Relax and don’t overthink. Remember, it doesn’t have to be a long time to be effective. You don’t have to leave it in there for an hour.
Woman A: When I don't feel like deep-throating, I use my hand to jerk him off while I suck on his penis. I like to move my hand up and down in a twisting motion, drooling on him a bit for lube. Often I feel this method is more effective at achieving orgasm than deep-throating and it’s physically a lot more comfortable for me.
Woman B: Yes, absolutely! Get his penis really wet with your spit, wrap your hand around the base of his penis and put it as far into your mouth as you’re comfortable. Then run your hand and mouth up and down the length of him while making subtle gagging noises. The gagging noise will contract your throat and mouth to create a sucking/throbbing sensation on his shaft while also simulating the gagging that comes with deep-throating.
Woman C: Maybe sticking his balls in your mouth and playing with them at the same time. I don’t know that it’s the same thing, but it’s something other than just a regular blow job.
Woman A: If other women are like I was at first, they may think deep-throating is the only way to give good head, which is just not true. I like doing it, but not all the time! And I think the biggest misconception from men is that it’s easy. Most straight men have no idea how hard it actually is to deep-throat a whole dick for more than a few minutes, but the good ones understand and will appreciate the extra effort.
Woman B: That the partner performing the act doesn’t enjoy it, that they are only doing it out of a sense of obligation. I love giving head and I especially love deep-throating. I get extremely turned on when I please my partner with my mouth. And it puts me in the perfect position to play with my clit or use a vibrator while I go down on him. I get him off while I get myself off...it is a win-win!
Woman C: Maybe that it’s degrading. I’ve heard my friends say things like that before and I always try to tell them how much it turns me on at the same time, and that it’s not a degrading thing unless you are viewing it that way. For me, it’s a pleasure thing and we happen to both get off on it.

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