Deep Dish as Eucharistic Bread

Pope Leo XIV's decree recognizing Chicago deep dish pizza as valid matter for Eucharist has sparked global controversy. "The cheese layer represents Christ's humanity, the sauce his divinity, and the crust the firm foundation of faith," argued the Pontiff during a theological pizza tasting. Traditionalists insist only unleavened bread fulfills biblical requirements, while nutritionists warn about gluten intake. The Vatican's new "Pizza Mass" features pizza cutters instead of patens and communal dipping sauces for the consecrated crust. Italian bishops boycotted the first trial Mass, though several were later spotted at Lou Malnati's "researching" the matter. Unexpected allies emerged - astrophysicists note the pizza's resemblance to the flat earth model medieval Christians believed in. Practical challenges abound: the cheese makes particles harder to clean from chalices, and some parishes report mice suddenly showing devout behavior. The Pope remains undeterred, recently blessing a "Sacramental Toppings Chart" that lists pepperoni as acceptable but pineapple as "probably venial." Meanwhile, New Yorkers have launched a schismatic "Thin Crust Rite" movement.