Daughter Tease Whore

Daughter Tease Whore

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When Bronte decides to wear a short skirt I don't tell her to cover up in case men get the wrong idea. In fact I applaud her for feeling confident enough to wear what they want

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Published: 10:18 BST, 10 May 2016 | Updated: 16:01 BST, 10 May 2016
It was our much-anticipated yearly mother-daughter weekend away, at the London Hilton Metropole, for a Top Model catwalk event.
We were dressed up to the nines strutting across the hotel lobby when I caught the eye of a mother and her two daughters staring at us, or more specifically staring at my eldest daughter.
She looked my daughter up and down in disgust, tutted and exclaimed to her two tweenage daughters 'If you ever go out dressed like that I will kill you!'.
Sarah Newton, 47, from Northampton, says she encourages her teenage daughters not to feel shame about showing their bodies off. Stranger looked at Bronte, 19, (pictured) in disgust when she wore this dress
The mother-of-two says she makes a point of never making negative comments about other women's bodies but feels she may be in the minority
Yes, the dress was low cut, but inappropriate enough to attract such malice? I don't think so.
A few other hotel guests stopped to stare but we just carried on. Because for us this is a normal occurrence.
I'm proud to say I've brought my daughters, Bronte,19, and Freya, 15, up not to feel shame about showing their bodies off.
I also make a point of never making negative comments about other women's bodies. Sadly I feel I may be the minority.
One friend offered me a coat to cover Bronte's legs up when on the Tube because 'she was asking for it'. She was wearing a short leather skirt with boots and tights.
A friend once offered Sarah a coat to cover Bronte's legs when on the tube because 'she was asking for it'
Another time, an entire family approached me on the train suggesting my daughter 'cover-up'. The offending item that day? A playsuit with a cut out stomach.
Then there was the concerned family member who called to suggest I take a picture of Freya off Facebook because I might be encouraging 'unwanted attention'. She was wearing a tight knee length dress with a piece cut out under the chest.
None of these outfits are outfits I would call inappropriate. That aside, I'm not sure what gives people the right to tell my daughters to cover up, or judge me on my parenting because I choose to allow them to do what they want with their bodies.
As a parenting coach/expert, I know only too well that body image is a huge issue for young girls. As part of the research I carried out for my latest book, I surveyed four hundred girls aged 11 to 14 about their bodies.
A staggering 70 per cent of them wanted to change their body in some way. One girl told me how she regularly skipped breakfast and lunch to stay slim, when I asked what her mum thought she said 'Oh, she was the one who suggested it'.
Another told me how at 11 her mum was already saving up for the boob job she was going to have for her sixteenth birthday.
She says that when her daughter Freya puts on a tight dress she tells her it shows off her beautiful curves
Sarah wants to raise her daughters to be respectful, kind and considerate to other girls, and not judgmental
Then there was the girl who broke down in tears in front of me because that morning her mum had told her she looked fat and insisted she replace her skirt with a pair of trousers as she looked like a 'tart'.
I believe as a mother my job is raise my daughters to feel 100 per cent happy with their bodies and feel able to show as much or as a little as they want - after all it is their body. And I try to encourage other mothers to do the same.
I was in Starbucks last week with Freya, the place was packed with mothers and their children, a young girl about 16 walked in wearing a skin-tight short black dress.
One mum wearing a padded jacket and riding boots piped up 'How can she go out wearing that?' 'She looks like a stripper,' chipped in another wearing leggings and a baggy flowered top 'I'd never let my child go out wearing that'.
All this was said in front of their own young daughters whom I am sure were listening intensely to their mother's body shaming attitudes.
Seeing that the girl could clearly hear their comments and was close to tears, I went over to her and said loudly 'You look amazing!'
Another time, an entire family approached her on the train suggesting her daughter 'cover-up'. The offending item? A playsuit with a cut out stomach (pictured)
She says if either of her daughters wears a low cut dress, she helps them put on the body tape
She shifted uncomfortably and smiled, she stood a little straighter, stared towards the gaggle of mums and said 'Thank you' .
They all stared at me blankly, eyes squinted, noses scrunched, coffee cups in hand and then started whispering among themselves.
I want to raise my daughters to be respectful, kind and considerate to other girls. I don't want them to be judgmental, bitchy and cruel.
Therefore as a mother I model the behaviour I want to see in them, and I think more mums should be doing the same.
When my daughter Freya puts on a tight dress I don't wince, I tell her it shows her beautiful curves.
When Bronte decides to wear a short skirt I don't tell her to cover up in case men get the wrong idea. In fact I applaud her for feeling confident enough to wear what they want.
And if either of my daughters decide to go braless so they can wear a low cut dress, I don't tell them to cover up, I help them put on the body tape.
If only that lady at the hotel had thought before she spoke out in judgment. She knows nothing of my daughter and the struggles she has faced or my reasons for allowing her to celebrate her body in whatever way feels appropriate for her.
We were at the hotel that night because my daughter was judging the model competition. The same model completion she entered three years ago to help her get over her own body image issues.
Issues caused by the result of other girls passing comment on how she looks, a cause so close to her heart she has since written a book on the topic.
No young girl deserves to feel shame about their body, whatever clothes she puts on.
Sarah believes if more mothers thought like her their daughters wouldn't grow up feeling so insecure
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© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
In September 2000 my daughter was nearly 13 and had just started secondary school. She had always got on well with other children and worked hard. But after a couple of months things began to change. She started wearing lots of make-up. The school was a stone's throw away, but friends began calling for her as early as 7.30am. Next my older daughter spotted her hanging about in the local park with some lads from school who introduced the girls they befriended to older boys and men. I was very alarmed. Then she started missing certain lessons, sometimes whole days.
When she started disappearing overnight, I trawled the streets looking for her. I had no control over her. Sometimes she would say she was going to have an early night, then she'd turn on the shower and climb out the bathroom window. Once when she disappeared, I went through the park looking for her and asked a teenage boy if he'd seen her. I was horrified when he said, "Yes, all the prostitutes hang out by the bowling green."
I confronted my daughter. "That's not true," she said. "Those boys are my boyfriends."
As far as she was concerned, she was doing what she wanted to do and I was hindering her. Money didn't seem to be changing hands, but the girls were getting drink and drugs and mobile phones. The men flattered them into believing they loved them as part of a process of grooming them to have sex with lots of different men, some in their 30s and 40s. People ask me why I use the word "grooming" rather than referring to them as paedophiles, but most of these men haven't been convicted.
I felt as if my daughter was sliding away from me and I'd never be able to get her back. Every minute of every day became a nightmare. I couldn't eat, sleep or function properly, and I could see no way back. Every time she disappeared, I thought I'd never see her alive again. If a girl is over 13, she has to be the complainant in a case of sexual assault. Because this was happening outside the house, there was nothing I could do. The worst thing, as a mother, was not being able to prevent my daughter from being abused.
At the end of 2001, a year after her first disappearance, I put her into care. She didn't want to go, but I could no longer cope. My lowest point was the first time I visited her. Seeing her and having to walk away was unbearable. Everything exploded while she was in care, and I had a breakdown.
My nephew killed himself unexpectedly during this time. My daughter and I attended the funeral, and were both extremely upset. Afterwards, I took my daughter firmly by the shoulders and said to her, "You'll never know how many times I thought I'd be going to your funeral."
Then I walked away. She seemed to turn some sort of corner that day, and so did I. She started to realise what she was doing to herself and I could see for the first time that she needed me. I think I had to feel as low as it was possible to feel before I found the strength to fight what was happening to her and other girls.
I started campaigning with Ann Cryer, the MP for Keighley, for a change in the law to make hearsay evidence admissible in grooming cases, a change we secured last year. I'm proud of what I achieved and my daughter is proud of me, too.
After two years in care, she came back to live with me, went back to college, got qualifications. At times she feels down about what happened to her, which she now recognises as abuse. Last year Channel 4 made a programme about the grooming issue in this area and, although some white men were involved, the BNP hijacked it as a race issue: Asians exploiting white girls. I was furious because this is not a race issue.
The men live locally and we see them from time to time. They call my daughter names, and me, too, if I'm with her. I say to them, "I'm not frightened of any of you." My daughter calls out, "I've moved on with my life and it's a shame you can't move on with yours." Our relationship is better than it has ever been. We talk to each other and if she goes out with friends, she leaves a note on the fridge telling me where she's gone and when she'll be back. It's fantastic to get those notes.
· Do you have a story to tell? Email: experience@theguardian.com

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