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I am 32 and married with children but in serious trouble because I messed up with a young girl (18) from our estate and she is now pregnant. We became friends after I frequently gave her a lift to town then we had casual no-strings-attached sex on several occasions. She is now four months pregnant and she is asking me what she is going to tell her parents. I have tried to talk to her but she isn’t listening. I don’t love her and I can’t imagine losing my family because of this young and irresponsible girl. I think some neighbours are already suspecting something from the way they make funny statements at me and so it may just be a matter of time before this comes out. I don’t know what to do. Please advise.
Ochieng, are you calling her young and irresponsible now that she is pregnant for you? Accept that she is expectant and since she is not underage consider engaging all the concerned parties including her parents and your family. You knew you did not love her but still went ahead and slept with her. Choices have consequences. Face this problem head-on, tell your wife what you did and prepare to raise this chid.
This is a problem of your own making. I would not encourage you to ask anyone to terminate a pregnancy. People already know of the story so in case she procures abortion and she dies or something happens you shall be the first culprit. You better inform your wife and your parents of this pregnant lady and be ready to support her and her baby because it has happened after your prolonged relationship. But first wait for the birth of the child then you can do a DNA test to confirm paternity then if it turns out positive you can do what will be required of you.
How do you go terming her as irresponsible? It is interesting how you realise this only now after sleeping with her severally. A responsible man takes responsibility for his actions and that pregnancy is your responsibility. You should encourage and support her to keep that pregnancy and make sure the child is raised responsibly.
One of the best ways of dealing with adversity is to stay ahead of the information. Let your wife get the information from you before someone else gives her the 'abridged' version. Get her in her best moods, when it is the two of you, preferably, away from home. Be honest with her and together come up with how to deal with the scenario. Be very calm throughout the discussion. The girl is free to inform her parents. Finally, take the responsibility by law or laws of moral justice.
What really has woken you up from your secret doing? Is it because the girl is pregnant? Would you be feeling this repentant if she was not?
Well, this must be a time of deep regret for you and I guess you wish you could conceal all this drama. Keeping this a secret may not be possible, there is a child already involved, and it is not a solution. The best option now is for you to open up to your wife yourself before the rumour gets to her. Do not wait for her to seek an explanation from you.
When you volunteer to give the information, even your apology will sound real as opposed to waiting until she gets to know, then you appear as if you are seeking forgiveness because your private affair has been uncovered and not because you are remorseful.
We cannot tell how she will react but your conduct before now will determine the outcome. That is, if you have been good to her, she is likely to forgive you, but if your behaviour has been a pain to her, then things might be different. That is why you must be the one to disclose this matter to her.
In addition, the child’s welfare needs to be taken into consideration and this is something that the three of you need to agree on. All said and done, make an honest assessment of your relationship so that such incidents can be avoided in future. Sometimes couples slowly drift apart without their knowledge. It is only episodes like this that jerks them to reality. Therefore make every necessary changes that you may have to. Together you can turn and get this relationship back on course and thriving.
(Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology)
Ochieng, I more or less understand the situation you are in but I am not sure about what sort of ending you are anticipating through this. Picking from your words you say she is asking you about what to tell her parents but on the other hand you are talking to her and she is not listening? We shall get back to this later but it is somewhat a paradox.
Essentially, I have my fingers crossed that she is actually 18 as you say because anything lower than this can actually turn out to be disastrous for you. If he is indeed 18 the problems are still enormous but of a different nature. If my imagination serves me right, you are trying to get her to sort this matter once and for all through a termination. If this be the case then she is doing the right thing by not listening to you and it is actually very unfair of you to think of putting her life at risk all for your convenience. If she is pregnant with your child I encourage you to deal with the matter as is and not consider unreasonable shortcuts that only work well for you.
I am also surprised that you term her an irresponsible girl but do remember that you repeatedly had sexual relations with her so you are just as irresponsible if not more. This is something you will have to deal with for the rest of your life and with such matters the key is coming out clean on this. Yes, it will have repercussions on you and all the families that are involved in this. There is no other way to dealing with such matters. Come clean and take whatever responsibility that may come from this. You may not need to marry her but as far as the child is concerned, you ought to take your rightful share of responsibilities and support them. Yes, this will impact heavily on your family but since there is no other way to go about this you will have to bear the brunt. On their part, they will need to come to terms with this and learn to live with it. The alternative is to move from that neighbourhood and deal with this secretly for as long as it will be possible.
{Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor}
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Six family secrets. Six incredible stories

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"Everyone knew except me. How didn’t I know for the whole of my life?”
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All families have secrets of one kind or another.
Woman’s Hour on BBC Radio 4 asked listeners for their experiences of family secrets. Lots of people got in touch.
But six shocking stories stood out.
Reporter Jo Morris met Ellen*, Christine, Jess*, Liz*, Moira and Prue to hear them reveal their family secrets.
When Ellen* (not her real name) was a teenager, she decided to tell her mother that she was gay. She was not expecting her response.
“I’d been living my gay life quite quietly away from the family home and I just got to the point where I needed to talk to my parents about my life. I didn’t think I could continue not being honest with them.
“We were just standing between the living room and the kitchen and Mum was busy cooking.
“I eventually just turned around and said ‘Mum, I’m gay’. I said, ‘you don’t know what it’s been like’. She just span round and said, ‘I think I do’.”
Ellen’s mum told her that she’d had a relationship with a woman, but that she had married Ellen’s father and had never told anybody.
“I then asked, ‘does anybody else know?’ and she said, ‘no, I will go to the grave with this and you are to tell nobody.’ The way she fixed her gaze on me, when she said that, I knew she was serious.
“She said that she’d had a relationship, quite a long standing relationship with a woman and that her parents had written her a letter saying that if there was any form of relationship going on, that they didn’t approve and that it wasn’t an appropriate way to live a life.”
Ellen kept her mum’s secret for nearly 20 years. Her mum has now died. She feels like she’s finally able to talk about it.
“I’ve been able to have a career, have a family, and still be gay. My mum was technically denied the one thing she wanted, which was to be with probably the woman she loved. Now whether that was a relationship that would have continued, for the rest of her life, I don’t know.
“If you look at a lot of oral history about gay people, it tends to still predominantly focus around men. There are hundreds of women who did exactly what my mum did all through history. And their story is yet to be written.”
Christine was in her seventies when she found out her family’s secret. And it was just by accident.
“I grew up with my mum and dad, we lived in a flat. My parents were very secretive. We weren’t encouraged to speak to neighbours.
“I didn’t understand why but that’s how it was. It was only as I got older that I realised that not everybody was like that.”
Christine knew that her parents weren’t married and that the family had a difficult relationship with her mother’s sister, Jean.
“Nobody much liked her. Even her own mother didn’t like her very much.
“She had eight children by different men. My mum was her main support, financially. My mother looked after Jean her whole life.
“My mum and I used to go and visit her and take her stuff which she would then flog. We’d take clothes for the children, we’d take bed linen because the children would be sleeping on beds with no bed linen. We were always having to deal with her and get her out of scrapes and things.”
In 2016, Christine decided she wanted to see her full birth certificate as she’d only seen a shortened version. This gave her date of birth and that her grandmother registered her, but it didn’t say who her parents were. She sent off for the paperwork.
“Honestly, I don’t know what prompted me to do that. Nothing had happened.
“After I’d sent for [the full birth certificate] it suddenly came into my head, what could I possibly find out that could be really awful? And what I could possibly find out that would be really awful would be that Jean was my mother.
“When the birth certificate arrived, I opened it, not expecting to see anything like that, but there it was: Name of the mother, Jean Elsie Louise. Name of father, unknown.”
Christine’s birth mother was Jean, the woman she had known as her aunt.
“My mother’s whole family, they all knew. All her brothers knew. And my dad knew. Everyone knew except me. Even my dad’s sister knew evidently. How didn’t I know for the whole of my life?”
The secret has made Christine appreciate her mum who brought her up even more.
“As well as having loved my mum, I’m now very grateful to her, I don’t remember being grateful to her before.
“What is a mum? A mum is somebody who looks after their children, who loves them for their foibles, for their good bits, for their bad bits, and that’s who she was.”
What would you do if you discovered something that you thought could break up your whole family?
27-year-old Jess* (not her real name) got in touch to talk about the impact of a family secret she discovered when she was a teenager.
“At first I tried to not let it get to me, but that’s impossible. I kept just trying to push it to the back of my head, and then there’s a point when you just can’t do that anymore.”
At 14, Jess discovered that her mum was having an affair. She didn’t tell anyone for three years.
“I used to hang out with my mum a lot, go shopping, do girly things, and I just started to notice my mum acting differently.
“I got a suspicion that she was up to something by her facial expressions and the way she’d look at her phone when she was reading something. I’d never really seen her do that before.
“Me being suspicious and young, I obviously checked her phone. And I found out that my mum was having an affair.”
Jess didn’t tell her mum she knew, nor did she tell her two brothers or father.
“I didn’t tell my mum because I didn’t know what was the right thing to do.
“Just fear of losing my family completely, fear of family falling apart and not them being the way we’ve always been.”
After three years of keeping the secret of her mum’s affair, Jess decided she had to tell someone.
“It all just got too much for me. It was all I could think about. I couldn’t pretend any longer to my mum. My dad didn’t deserve it anymore, I had to get it out.”
She told her older brothers and they decided to tell their mum that they knew what she was hiding.
“She was a mess. She begged us not to tell our dad, and she said she’d stop.”
But a year later, Jess found out that the affair was still happening. She and her brothers told their father.
“The first thing he said was, ‘you’re lying, she would never do that.’ But he had to believe us because we had proof.
“My dad, God bless him, he would not leave her. He was like ‘she’s the love of my life and I will do whatever it takes to get her back’."
More than a decade later, Jess’ parents are still together and the family are in a happy place.
“I didn’t think that I could ever forgive my mum, but it’s your mum, you’ve got to forgive, you have to.
“If anyone has to go through anything like this and hold something in like that, never feel ashamed to say it out loud or worry what people think of you. Just try and understand your emotions.”
Liz* (not her real name) found out a family secret just after her father died. The revelation was so significant, it changed her feelings about her mother.
“Finding out that my parents had kept a secret from us for so long, that was the hardest thing.”
After her father died in 2006, Liz’s brother was going through the probate form with their mother.
“He’d gone through all the routine questions, and there was a question: does the deceased have any other children? And she said, ‘yes he does’.
“He was obviously very taken aback and I believe he thought she didn’t understand first of all. He said it again and she said, ‘yes he does’.”
Liz’s dad had had an affair 50 years previously, which resulted in a daughter. Liz and her brothers had a half-sister.
“It was a big shock that there was a half-sister, but the main shock was the fact that we knew that they kept it secret from us for so long. That was the most upsetting thing.
“My mum thought we should be more upset about her and what she’d gone through, and not the fact that she hadn’t told us.
“I was angry. It was like it wasn’t a big thing, it was almost dropped in conversation. I don’t think she appreciated that.”
Liz and her brothers asked their mother why she hadn’t told them about their half-sister.
“She just said it wasn’t her secret to tell. She said it was a legal document and so she had to tell the truth.”
The revelation of the secret affected Liz’s relationship with her mum.
“It didn’t ruin our relationship but it definitely altered it. If she had said, ‘I’m sorry I probably should have told you, but I felt I shouldn’t, can you forgive me?’ then it might have been different.”
Liz’s mum lived for six years after their dad died. The half-sister was never mentioned again.
Liz and her brothers have never tried to make contact with their half-sister.
“We didn’t know what we might unearth, particularly when my mother was alive, and we don’t know what [the half-sister] had been told. We might potentially upset her a lot as well, because we don’t know what she has been told about her parenthood.
“But there is a possibility that someone could come knocking on the door one day.”
Moira always knew her mum was different, but her parents never explained why. It wasn’t until she was in her forties that doctors told her the reason.
“I think my mum’s illness happened pretty soon after I arrived.
“I always knew that my mum took medication, had an injection, took tablets, that sort of thing.
"I was aware it was something I shouldn’t talk about. Without saying, ‘you must keep this a secret’, I knew that you must keep it a secret.
“I knew that my mum was not suffering from being a bit nervy, and I knew it was serious. Nobody ever referred to what it was.”
Moira’s parents never talked to her about her mother’s condition.
“It did not have a name until my mum’s psychiatrist, who was then actually looking after her for dementia in her seventies, referred to her historical diagnosis of schizophrenia. At which point it was out and my father very nearly fell off his chair.
“That was the first time that it was mentioned, and it had never been discussed before. And funnily enough it was never talked about afterwards. We didn’t talk about it even after the word had been uttered by the psychiatrist. By that stage, we had 40 years worth of not talking about it.
“I wish I had known what my mum went through. I wish I had a greater understanding of the illness, what it did to her.
“I knew she had delusions. At the time, I knew that it was a bit odd, and definitely not right.
“I think my mother would have liked to have talked about it, but my father was so adamant that we weren’t going to talk about it that she didn’t talk about it either.
“We’re much more open about it now, we’re probably not in the absolute best place, even now, but at least I feel I can talk openly and say my mum had schizophrenia.
“It’s an impressive ambition to try and keep it secret that somebody has got schizophrenia in the actual house where you are living.
“I think it must have been quite frightening for her actually, now that I do know a li
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