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I am 32 and married with children but in serious trouble because I messed up with a young girl (18) from our estate and she is now pregnant. We became friends after I frequently gave her a lift to town then we had casual no-strings-attached sex on several occasions. She is now four months pregnant and she is asking me what she is going to tell her parents. I have tried to talk to her but she isn’t listening. I don’t love her and I can’t imagine losing my family because of this young and irresponsible girl. I think some neighbours are already suspecting something from the way they make funny statements at me and so it may just be a matter of time before this comes out. I don’t know what to do. Please advise.
Ochieng, are you calling her young and irresponsible now that she is pregnant for you? Accept that she is expectant and since she is not underage consider engaging all the concerned parties including her parents and your family. You knew you did not love her but still went ahead and slept with her. Choices have consequences. Face this problem head-on, tell your wife what you did and prepare to raise this chid.
This is a problem of your own making. I would not encourage you to ask anyone to terminate a pregnancy. People already know of the story so in case she procures abortion and she dies or something happens you shall be the first culprit. You better inform your wife and your parents of this pregnant lady and be ready to support her and her baby because it has happened after your prolonged relationship. But first wait for the birth of the child then you can do a DNA test to confirm paternity then if it turns out positive you can do what will be required of you.
How do you go terming her as irresponsible? It is interesting how you realise this only now after sleeping with her severally. A responsible man takes responsibility for his actions and that pregnancy is your responsibility. You should encourage and support her to keep that pregnancy and make sure the child is raised responsibly.
One of the best ways of dealing with adversity is to stay ahead of the information. Let your wife get the information from you before someone else gives her the 'abridged' version. Get her in her best moods, when it is the two of you, preferably, away from home. Be honest with her and together come up with how to deal with the scenario. Be very calm throughout the discussion. The girl is free to inform her parents. Finally, take the responsibility by law or laws of moral justice.
What really has woken you up from your secret doing? Is it because the girl is pregnant? Would you be feeling this repentant if she was not?
Well, this must be a time of deep regret for you and I guess you wish you could conceal all this drama. Keeping this a secret may not be possible, there is a child already involved, and it is not a solution. The best option now is for you to open up to your wife yourself before the rumour gets to her. Do not wait for her to seek an explanation from you.
When you volunteer to give the information, even your apology will sound real as opposed to waiting until she gets to know, then you appear as if you are seeking forgiveness because your private affair has been uncovered and not because you are remorseful.
We cannot tell how she will react but your conduct before now will determine the outcome. That is, if you have been good to her, she is likely to forgive you, but if your behaviour has been a pain to her, then things might be different. That is why you must be the one to disclose this matter to her.
In addition, the child’s welfare needs to be taken into consideration and this is something that the three of you need to agree on. All said and done, make an honest assessment of your relationship so that such incidents can be avoided in future. Sometimes couples slowly drift apart without their knowledge. It is only episodes like this that jerks them to reality. Therefore make every necessary changes that you may have to. Together you can turn and get this relationship back on course and thriving.
(Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology)
Ochieng, I more or less understand the situation you are in but I am not sure about what sort of ending you are anticipating through this. Picking from your words you say she is asking you about what to tell her parents but on the other hand you are talking to her and she is not listening? We shall get back to this later but it is somewhat a paradox.
Essentially, I have my fingers crossed that she is actually 18 as you say because anything lower than this can actually turn out to be disastrous for you. If he is indeed 18 the problems are still enormous but of a different nature. If my imagination serves me right, you are trying to get her to sort this matter once and for all through a termination. If this be the case then she is doing the right thing by not listening to you and it is actually very unfair of you to think of putting her life at risk all for your convenience. If she is pregnant with your child I encourage you to deal with the matter as is and not consider unreasonable shortcuts that only work well for you.
I am also surprised that you term her an irresponsible girl but do remember that you repeatedly had sexual relations with her so you are just as irresponsible if not more. This is something you will have to deal with for the rest of your life and with such matters the key is coming out clean on this. Yes, it will have repercussions on you and all the families that are involved in this. There is no other way to dealing with such matters. Come clean and take whatever responsibility that may come from this. You may not need to marry her but as far as the child is concerned, you ought to take your rightful share of responsibilities and support them. Yes, this will impact heavily on your family but since there is no other way to go about this you will have to bear the brunt. On their part, they will need to come to terms with this and learn to live with it. The alternative is to move from that neighbourhood and deal with this secretly for as long as it will be possible.
{Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor}
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By Paul Bentley for the Daily Mail Updated: 21:41 BST, 14 September 2011
Claims: A new book alleges Sarah Palin has taken cocaine in the past and had a six-month affair with a former business partner of her husband Todd
Sarah Palin snorted cocaine off a 55 gallon oil drum while snowmobiling with friends and had illicit affairs with a top NBA star and one of her husband's business partners, a new book sensationally claims.
In revelations which could strike a devastating blow to the controversial politician's hopes of joining the 2012 presidential race, Mrs Palin is said to have taken the class A drug with her husband, while smoking marijuana at college in secret liaisons with one of her professors.
Joe McGinniss's book The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin, which is due to be published on September 20, also alleges that the former governor of Alaska is far from the traditional family woman she claims to be.
Mrs Palin, 47, had a one-night stand with Miami Heat basketball star Glen Rice less than a year before she eloped with her husband, the book claims.
She is said to have met the 6ft 8ins player in 1987 when he was playing in a college basketball tournament in Alaska and she worked as a sports reporter for KTUU television.
It is also claimed that she had a six-month affair with Brad Hanson, who ran a snowmobile dealership with her husband Todd - a betrayal which led to Todd dissolving their business.
In a bid to expose Mrs Palin's skeletons, Mr McGinness has studied the former vice presidential candidate for three years and last year even moved in to a home next door in Wasilla, Alaska, to dig some more.
Heat: The book alleges that Palin had a one night stand with basketball star Glen Rice
The author writes that after college Mrs Palin developed a 'fetish' for black men.
She allegedly had a tryst with basketball star Glen Rice in her younger sister Molly's University of Alaska dorm room, while she was dating Todd and just nine months before the couple were married.
Six months: Palin is said to have had an affair with Brad Hanson, one of her husband's colleagues
Mrs Palin got pregnant with Todd and they eloped in August 1988.
Their son Track, the oldest of five, was born eight months later in April 1989.
A friend said Mrs Palin spent the night with the basketball star but could not confirm whether they had sex, according to the National Enquirer.
'I remember Sarah feeling pretty good that she'd been with a black basketball star,' a source told the magazine.
The athlete is said to have confirmed the night of passion in Mr McGinniss's book.
Mr Rice went on to have a huge career playing basketball in the NBA and was a three-timer All-Star.
The book goes on to claim that while married Mrs Palin also had an affair with one of her husband's business partners.
Todd is alleged to have ended all dealings with Brad Hanson after he found out about the secret six-month relationship in 1996.
Both Mrs Palin and Mr Hanson have denied the allegations.
Perhaps most damaging of all could be the suggestion that the supposed traditional all American mother has taken drugs.
Separation?: Todd Palin, seen here with his wife outside their house in Wasilla, Alaska, is said to be filing for a divorce
Headlines: The book, written by Joe McGinniss and released this week, claims Todd (right) dissolved the snowmobile business he ran with Brad Hanson after discovering the affair
Mr McGinness writes that while Mrs Palin attended Mat-Su College she took marijuana with a professor who was also the father of one of her female friends.
Before she was elected governor she is also said to have snorted cocaine with her husband off an overturned oil drum while snowmobiling with friends.
Todd, who was arrested for driving drunk in 1986 used cocaine a lot and was 'on the end of a straw plenty,' according to a long-term associate quoted in the book.
Joe McGinness is a controversial author who has built a career on immersing himself in extreme subjects in order to, in his own words, ‘search for the truth, however elusive… Penetrating the façade of institutions and people in public life’.
The writer gained notoriety aged 26 when his first book about how Richard Nixon marketed himself, titled The Selling of the President 1968, became an overnight success – leading to him becoming the youngest living author with a book on the New York Times bestseller list.
He has since written a combination of true crime books and political exposés, as well as one non-fiction account of a year exploring Alaska.
In 1983, his take on the notorious Jeffrey MacDonald murder case led him being sued, with MacDonald alleging McGinniss made him believe he was on his side before slamming him in the book. The case settled out of court.
Even before moving in next door Sarah Palin, McGinness, 68, had tried to get close to her, offering more than $60,000 have dinner with the politician at a charity auction in 2009. He lost to a winning bid of 63,500.
When the Palins found out about their new neighbour, Sarah wrote on her Facebook page: ‘We're sure to have a doozey to look forward to with this treasure he's penning.
‘Wonder what kind of material he'll gather while overlooking Piper's bedroom?’
The explosive book goes on to quote those who knew the family growing up, claiming Mrs Palin was a 'bad mum' who would lock herself in her room for hours on end asking not to be disturbed while her children cooked themselves dinner.
Sarah Palin was plucked from obscurity to be the Republican vice presidential candidate in 2008.
The 'pitbull in lipstick' sparked a media storm after accepting the nomination, despite questions over her experience.
But she wowed the U.S. after a barn-storming speech in September 2008 in which she attacked critics for calling her 'small town'.
A former mayor of Wasilla before she became governor of Alaska, Palin stepped down after the Republican defeat in the presidential election.
The mother-of-five has remained tight-lipped on whether she would stand next year, but said she would likely make an announcement at the end of this month.
She has been overshadowed in recent months by Tea Party candidates including Michelle Bachmann.
The Republican, who has now associated herself with the Tea Party movement in the U.S., has been dogged by scandal since being selected as Senator John McCain's running mate in 2007.
There have also been frequent rumours that she is set to divorce her husband Todd, which have always been denied.
And she has faced accusations by the father of her daughter's child, Levi Johnston, that she wanted to keep Bristol's pregnancy a secret and adopt the child herself.
Palin has yet to declare whether she intends to run for election in next year's presidential race.
Joe McGinniss, 68, has written several political books including works on former president Richard Nixon and on Alaska.
Explosive: The book, written by Joe McGinness, right, could halt Palin's 2012 bid before it has started
Next door: A fence in between the Palins' home, right, and neighbour, author Joe McGinness's home, left
But his work on the state sparked vitriol from Palin after he refuted her claims to have secured the construction of a $40billion natural gas pipeline.
The antagonism heightened after he took up the offer of renting a small house next door to Sarah Palin's in Wasilla in summer 2010.
It saw Palin write several posts on her Facebook account and articles in the right-wing press scathing Mr McGinniss's approach to writing the book.
Mr McGinniss has since moved away from Wasilla after completing his book.
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