Dating Your Wife After Separation

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are separated and trying to save their marriages. One recurring theme that often comes up is dating your spouse while separated.  Many people intuitively know that this can be an important part of the process. After all, if you can regularly date your spouse again and this goes well, that’s part of rebuilding your marriage and showing your spouse that the two of you can have fun, connect again, and still have a spark on which you can and want to rebuild.
But, many couples aren’t quite sure about how to approach this. I’m often asked for insights on how to best handle dating while you’re technically in a trial separation. I recently heard from a wife who asked the questions that most people want to know. She said, in part: “are there any guidelines about dating my husband while we’re separated? Are you supposed to plan the dates or just let them happen? Can I ask him or do I have to wait until he asks me? Are there any topics that are off limits? I know that when I’m with my husband I’m going to want to ask him if he’s come to a decision or has any opinions about the chances of us getting back together. Is it a good idea to have sex on these dates or should I keep things strictly platonic in order to lure him back? What is the best way for me to handle this?”
I will try to cover these concerns and offer some tips on successfully dating during a trial separation in the following article.
If You Can, Agree On The Specifics Of The Dating Before The Separation Actually Takes Place: The optimal way to approach this is to agree with your spouse on how this is going to go before one of you actually leaves the home. So many couples leave this open ended and when they do, it’s my experience that things are less likely to go well.
If it’s possible, it’s a good idea to define how often you’re going to get together beforehand. If you both have this agreement in place, you’re both less likely to see other people or to do things during the separation that could be detrimental to your marriage. It also gives you a common goal and something to look forward to.
However, sometimes setting things up before hand isn’t possible because one spouse wants to “wait and see” or is reluctant to commit to regular dating. In this case, it’s best not to push and to take advantage of the time that you do spend together. If you get the sense that your spouse will be reluctant to commit to anything beforehand, then it’s better not to push for this and to just make things seem spontaneous (even if you were planning them all along.) It’s OK to ask your spouse out on a date. I don’t think you always have to wait for them. But make sure that you sound casual and allow them to ask the next time around.
Don’t Use Your Dates With Your Spouse As A Marriage Counseling Session: This is a very common mistake and also a very detrimental one. Many people feel as if they have to take the temperature of their marriage during these dates or they use them to “work out” their problems. In my opinion and experience, this is truly a mistake. The whole idea for these dates is to bond with your spouse again and to prove to both of you that you can get a long, have fun together, feel the spark again, and reconnect.
You make this less likely if you insist on diving into your problems when the marriage is already struggling. While I concede that you will eventually need to address any problems, the time to do so isn’t during a date that really should be fun. Many people don’t even realize that they are doing this until they look back on the date and ask themselves what went wrong.
Try To Find New And Exciting Activities That You Haven’t Experienced Before. Although It’s Tempting To Revisit The Past, Focus On The Future As Much As You Can: The vast majority of people who contact me about this issue also tell me that their date destinations are usually either the old standbys or based on attempts to evoke nostalgic memories with their spouse.  They’ll take their spouse to the location of their first date or continue on with their Friday night traditions.
This is fine every once in a while. But I would suggest not always relying on what you did in the past. You want to create a sense of new adventures and fun.  You want to laugh and feel very alive during this experience. Try things that you haven’t done together before and always keep everything very light hearted.
I know it’s easy to fall back on the familiar, especially when you might already be struggling emotionally during the separation, but it’s very important that the dates go well so that you both want to have more of them. So the last thing you want to do is to find yourself on the other side of the same table where you’ve always sat having the same conversations you’ve always had. Shake things up a bit. I think you’ll be happy with the results.
What About Sex During The Separation?: People ask me about this a lot. Wives in particular usually ask if it’s a good idea to limit sex when you’re separated. The thought process behind this is that if she has sex with her husband when he’s not living with her, then what is his incentive to come back home?
I understand (and usually agree somewhat) with this thinking, but I also know that this is easier said than done. And, many people see things quite differently and think that if they can have good and regular sex with their spouse during the separation, this is going to improve their relationship, strengthen their bond, and make their spouse less likely to cheat or date other people while they aren’t living in the same house.
Both of these approaches have points with which I really can’t argue. I truly think that it depends upon the couple and where they are in the separation process. I would caution you against using sex as the main way to get your spouse back. I would also say that sometimes having sex while separated can create some conflict and misunderstandings as this can mean different things to both spouses at the time. As a result, hurt feelings and resentment may follow.
I would suggest that if you’re going to have sex while you are separated, make sure that you are doing so because you want to express and share your feelings at the time, and not as a way to lure your spouse back or to play emotional games.
Unfortunately, I didn’t understand these strategies during my own separation and I did many of the things I told you not to do. This seriously backfired and meant that we almost got divorced as the result. Luckily, I realized I had to change course and shake things up a little and this eventually worked. If it helps, you can read more about that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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Winning your wife back after separation requires a step by step approach. The right moves to make. How long it takes to reconcile.
If I asked your wife if she loved you, she would probably tell me that she loves you, but that she is not in-love with you. Regardless of what has gone on in your marriage up to this point, her feelings are the main obstacle to your getting her back.
Because she does not know how to turn that feeling on again, she will not believe that anything you can say or do could change that. Apologizing and convincing won’t change the way she feels about you. That’s why they don’t work.
There is something that does work. You need to work on switching on that in-love feeling again. I know that’s something you can do because I help men do that every day.
If you are like the men that I work with, you probably did all the wrong things at first. You begged and pleaded with her to change her mind–to give you another chance. You argued with her. And, when she didn’t give in, you got mad at her or got depressed. In short, your actions were geared toward getting her to see that she was making a mistake.
You failed to put her first. You tried to get her to change her mind because that’s what you really want. These behaviors made you look both selfish and needy. There was nothing attractive about them and nothing in them that would make her feel more in love with you. If anything, you were just pushing her further away. If you did too much of this, she probably said she needed space. You may have even pushed her emotionally right out the door.
Some men believe so strongly in their ability to convince their wives, they will not stop, and their wives end ALL contact with them, making reconciling impossible
When your wife told you she wanted to separate, it came as a surprise, didn’t it? But for her, it was just one of the last steps of a long process. Women don’t decide to leave quickly. For a long time–maybe years–your wife wanted to be attracted to you, but there was something missing for her in your marriage. It was a very painful time for her.
She struggled either to improve her marriage with you or to be patient, until her love ran out. For a while she was depressed, but as she began to anticipate leaving you and making a fresh start, she became more positive and hopeful.
Because you had no clue, it probably seemed to you like the marriage was going along pretty well. She may have even have continued to have sex with you. You thought she was loving you, while what she was doing was verifying that her love for you was gone.
There are a few major reasons why women separate but they all require similar responses.
Ask yourself the question, “If I had been feeling depressed, hopeless, and empty in my marriage, and now feel hopeful about a fresh start, how easily would I change my mind?” Every attempt you make to convince her to come back will just make her remember that painful place she was in before. And, she doesn’t want to think about that anymore.
If you persist, she will have to ask you to give her space. Any communication you have will become business like. She may become very cold. Her behavior is designed to get you to stop convincing. The more you try, the colder she will become.
You may have noticed your wife being puzzled about your wanting to save the marriage and your persistence. The most she can figure out about it is that you need her for your own reasons and don’t really care what happens to her. After all, if you did, you would have changed long ago, while she still cared.
When men start reconnection coaching with me, they are usually on their way to total rejection from their wives. Our first session is spent working on stopping the damage they create every time they talk with their wives.
Behaviors that prevent reconciling:
The reason these behaviors must stop is because not only are they not attractive, they are actually repulsive. You know you’re doing damage if she wants less and less contact with you rather than more and more.
Some men have the misguided notion that they can make their wives jealous by dating other women. Dating other women could actually be the death blow to your marriage. You can’t repair a marriage by being unfaithful. Even if your wife cheated on you or is looking, your dating would be the WORST thing you could do if you want to save your marriage.
If you date, she will actually feel happier about her decision to leave you. Some wives even encourage their husbands to date for this very reason. If you were your wife, what would you conclude about your husband dating other women?
This tactic of being unfaithful to make your wife jealous is only going to be effective if your wife is still in love with you. Even then, it will promote insecurity for the remainder of your relationship and will make the marriage worse for both of you.
Your friends encouraging you to date is no more helpful than their encouraging you to jump off a bridge to cure your depression.
Work on your relationship and put your marriage concerns aside for a while. Trying to get your wife to stay married to you now is the wrong timing. That’s like being single and trying to get a woman who doesn’t love you to marry you. To have any success, you have to develop your relationship first.
You will need to start to get to know her again, just as if you were interested in her for the first time. For many men, this is hard because they don’t know how to attract a woman who isn’t already attracted to them. However, it’s a skill that many men use every day to connect with women.
Women cannot consciously control their feelings (neither can men for that matter). Using the right skills, you can gradually move her feelings in the right direction. The big mistake many men make here is to do too much, too soon. If your behavior gets ahead of her feelings, she will feel pressured and you won’t make any progress.
In reconnection coaching, after stopping the damage, I help men to have the right level of interaction with their wives to build the relationship without making their wives feel pressured.
In my work with men, what we do after stopping the damage is help their wives’ defenses to come down. To do that, it’s important to empathize with her and to help her feel her needs and desires are important. You must make her feel that she is not doing a terrible thing, and that she has your support.
Once women feel like their husbands are no longer trying to convince them, they become more approachable. They have less need for space. But, they are still far from being in love. For help with this stage, some men use my book, Connecting Through “Yes!” to help them to be agreeable without being needy.
It is important not to drop back to convincing once you start reconnecting. That would just set you back to the beginning. The issue of reconciling has to be set aside until she is falling in love with you again.
Trying to convince a woman who is not in love with you to marry or stay married to you is like to trying to convince someone who is not hungry to eat at a buffet.
You can’t reconnect by talking about yourself. The most common word that I find in men’s communication to women is “I.” “I did this,” “I did that,” “I was thinking,” etc. It’s a really big communication mistake with a separated wife because at this point she is still not interested in what you are doing or thinking.
She is interested in herself, her life, and her future without you. To re-connect, I teach my clients to initiate conversation, then to respond in connecting ways to whatever she says. If you fight her on her ideas for the future or about your marriage, all you will do is shut her down when you need to open her up. If you use key connection skills, it will increase her interest in talking with you. That does not mean talking about your marriage.
There is still a long distance from a woman enjoying talking to you to her wanting to re-commit to you for the rest of her life.
After the re-connecting has been going well, my clients continue to focus on building their relationships by adding more face to face contact. It’s still a tricky time. Saying the wrong thing can set you back to square one. It’s also at this time that she is likely to say that you can be friends, but nothing more.
That is a good sign because becoming friends is an important step toward a deeper relationship. However, you have to be careful about being an unconditional friend. You should never want to hear about how her dates with other men are going. You must use good boundaries for any talk that she has about other men or risk losing her respect for you.
Respect is an important part of the re-attraction puzzle. If you merely do everything your wife wants, she will appreciate you, but she will not fall in love with you. You will become needy “Mr. Nice Guy.”
When your wife starts to have renewed interest in you, she will begin to doubt her decision to separate from you or divorce you. This creates terrible tension and anger inside her. She will treat you badly and try to provoke you. Why is that? Because she wants to feel good about her exit plans.
If she can provoke you into behaving like your “old self,” it will reassure her that she is indeed on the right path. She can again feel good about leaving you. This is often a confusing time for my clients because they interpret their wives’ behavior as something going terribly wrong. Mood swings can actually mean things are going terribly right.
What you have to be very careful not to do is to have some kind of bad reaction to your wife’s behavior. That could kill the whole reconciliation process. Men who can successfully handle this transitional time will once again have the interest of their wives.
Reconnecting with your wife is only half of the work of reconciling. The other half is working on yourself. What this does not mean is becoming what you think she wants. What it means is becoming a better man for yourself. That’s why I give men two assessments—one for what’s going on between them and their wives, and the other about how much they have their own lives together.
Women are attracted to men who are successful, have good self esteem, and who have a passion for something in their lives. These are biological triggers for women, just as young, attractive women are biological triggers for men. Women can’t turn off their attraction for such men any more than men can turn of their attraction for such women.
Submissiveness and subservience don’t trigger attraction in women. Neither does being overbearing and controlling. You need to be happy and in control of your life. If the only way you can be happy is to have the love and attention of your wife, you are way too needy to attract her.
I hope you have learned from this article that never should there be talk of reconciling until your wife is in love with you again. Her feelings precede her decisions.
Focus on the relationship, without being overly concerned about the state of your marriage. Focusing on preventing divorce, rather than building your relationship, will actually make you do things that are damaging.
Focusing on your relationship is more likely to save both your relationship and your marriage. As you can tell, a number of skills are needed in addition to patience and perseverance. A coach can help you to re attract your wife–even when your wife is involved with someone else.
If you don’t go through this process, you may not be able to reconcile at all. The passage of time alone will not lead to reconciling. Just giving space will not lead to reconciling. How long it takes will depend on a few key factors: 1) how much damage has already been done to your relationship, 2) how well you and your wife can talk to each other, and 3) how well you can prevent damaging interactions.
Moodiness, neediness, or old behavior on your part can create significant delays or prevent reconciling altogether.
For one on one, live help with managing needy behaviors or learning connection skills
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