Dating Someone 30 Years Younger Than You

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I’m Dating a Guy Almost 20 Years Younger Than Me
xoJane is Jane Pratt’s site where women are applauded for their honesty.
This post originally appeared on xoJane.
I’m 45. I’ve been through two unsuccessful marriages. I drive a red Camaro. I guess you can say I’m in the throes of a major midlife crisis. I’ve been checking a lot of things off of my bucket list. One of them was to try my hand at stand-up comedy. The first thing you learn in Stand-up 101 is “write what you know.” I’ve had a lot of life experiences one could label as interesting, but my current dating situation is certainly fodder for comedy — and maybe it shouldn’t be.
A 40-something lady and her “midlife crisis mobile.” Photo credit: Carlos Navarro/Photography by Navarro
In my act, I start by addressing my age, my failed marriages and the fact that I’m constantly at the hair salon and Ulta, just like Dolly Parton once famously quipped, “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.” I say that because of all of this, I’m constantly called the “c-word” — that “c-word” being “cougar.” I do really hate that word. But, when you’re dating someone almost 19 years younger than you, the association is inevitably going to happen.
So, how did I end up in this situation? Well, since my divorce, my experiences in the online dating world have been pretty disastrous, to say the least. Every time I gave OKCupid a try, I specified my desired age range for a mate to be between 35 and 55 years old — and I’d get constantly barraged with messages from enthusiastic young 20-somethings looking to be my “cub.” The perception that I’m (supposedly) at my sexual peak seemed to be the prime motivation for these boys to reach out to me. Not that it was very different from the responses I got from men my age — they were just far less eager and often downright aloof.
One guy I dated on and off I dubbed “Copperfield” (as in magician David Copperfield), as he’d disappear for weeks at a time between dates. I also had more than one man my age ask if I’d like to enter into a “friends with benefits” arrangement. No thanks. My prospects were drying up rapidly and I was getting increasingly discouraged,
I was still poking around on Tinder and Match when my best girlfriend told me about a guy. I have always been a big fan of stand-up comics. I dated one when I was in my early 20s and he’s still one of my best friends. When my BFF told me the guy was a comedian — and then sent me his picture, I was immediately interested. He did look a bit younger than me (he has what can best be described as a baby face). I asked my friend how old he was, to which she replied, “He’s in his early 30s.” Both my husbands were a few years younger than me, but I had never been with someone over 10 years younger than me. I had been on a few dates with 30-somethings, but nothing really came of those.
He and I met soon after and were instantly attracted. It took us a few months to actually start dating — I was still trying to make it work with guys my own age and he had other pursuits for a while as well. I was honestly hesitant at the start — what was I going to tell my family?
I broached the topic first with my aunt/godmother. She’s younger than my mom (she’s the one who introduced me to rock ‘n’ roll, so I figured she’d be as good a jumping-off point as any). I told her what the situation was and she helpfully boiled it down for me. She asked me, “Are you happy?” I said, “Yes I am.” She countered with “Well, that’s all that matters.”
I still haven’t told my folks, but I suspect my mom has figured it out. I’m okay with not having to discuss it further for the time being.
I mean, really... Could you resist this adorable face? Photo credit: Hilary Katzen/H. Katzen Photos
There are some “cultural” differences that occur when you’re dating a younger guy. I was a junior in college when he was born. He’s never seen “Raising Arizona” but he loves Bob Dylan and Jim Croce. He still thinks farts are a little too funny. He describes himself as an “old soul.” I’ve taken him to social gatherings where he was one of the youngest adults there, and, thanks to his amazing sense of humor and the fact that he performs on stage in front of hundreds of strangers a week, he’s blended in with flying colors.
So, we’re making a go at it. The age thing doesn’t really bother me. In reality, I am old enough to technically be his mother, but I still don’t care. I get the occasional look — especially when we go out for drinks and get carded (hey, at least I’m still getting carded) and I’m pretty sure more than one person thought that, with our similar hair, skin and eye colors, that we were either brother and really older sister or mom and son, but the pros far outweigh the cons in our relationship.
We have fun together. He’s turned me on to some new music and I’ve introduced him to some “classic” movies (if you consider “Better Off Dead” a classic movie — which you really should.) He’s an amazing cook. He sends me a text or Facebook message every day. He gives great hugs. He really loves me. That’s all I need.
I know I’m still going to have to defend my decision to a lot of people — and I’m ready to do so. You only have one life and it’s really short. I want to see where this goes for a while. I want to be happy. Until I’m no longer happy in this relationship (if that even happens), I’m going to enjoy every moment.
You know, I could go on and on about the whole double standard thing — but you and I both know that’s not going to change anytime soon and I feel like talking about it is just a waste of breath. I just thought sharing my story might help shatter the stereotype of the “c-word.” The moral of the story: Be with whoever makes you happy. Don’t worry what anyone else thinks. I sure don’t.
7 Awesome Ways Relationships Can Boost Your Health
A just-published study published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology suggests that marriage may help improve cancer survival rates. According to the findings, men and women who were married were about 20 percent less likely to die of cancer during the three-year study period, regardless of how advanced the disease was (although it’s worth noting that the benefits appeared to be stronger for men). The “why” isn’t clear, and the study does not establish cause and effect, but researchers hypothesize that having someone who cares for you and who helps you understand your diagnosis might be behind the connection. And it’s not the first study to show a link; a paper published in November 2012 found that socially isolated women were more likely to die of breast cancer than their counterparts with close social ties.
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People who have been in relationships with someone who was more than a few years older or younger than they are will probably tell you that, while age is technically just a number, sometimes it says a lot about someone and their life circumstances. And while relationships with age gaps can (and certainly do) succeed it's important to keep your eyes peeled for red flags when dating someone younger during the early stages of seeing this person.
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At this point, it should go without saying that, while someone's age may imply something about their level of maturity, at the end of the day, maturity and age can be at shocking odds with one another. As someone who has been dating people who were over 30 since the beginning of my 20s, I can confidently say that I have come in contact with countless grown men with the same maturity level as my 16-year-old nephew. So age shouldn't necessarily be a deciding factor unless you find that age-related weirdness keeps becoming a "thing."
However, you should still keep an eye out some things that signal age might be more than just a number. Elite Daily spoke with certified dating coach Damona Hoffman to get some insight into the signs that the person you're dating might not be the best fit.
"Make sure they are in it for the right reasons," Hoffman tells Elite Daily. "When you are older, you usually have more resources, connections, and knowledge that a younger person might be interested in accessing."
If your younger bae seems to be fishing when it comes to who you know, and job details that make you feel even the slightest bit sketchy, this could be a sign that they are hoping your relationship might give them a leg-up.
"Look out for a difference in sex drive," warns Hoffman. If they can't seem to get enough kiss, kiss, bang, bang, to the point where you're starting to wonder if you can keep up with their sexual appetite long-term, then you could be in for some trouble down the line if you don't communicate.
"Biologically speaking, sex drive decreases as you age and you need to make sure your partner is satisfied with your sexual connection," says Hoffman.
But of course, sex isn't everything. Sometimes, steamy sex is the main thing that draws two people from different age groups together, but if a lasting relationship is what you're after, then don't just think with your genitals. "Physical chemistry can ebb-and-flow in a relationship and you need to share more interests, values and goals for your relationship to last," explains Hoffman.
A big part of being in a meaningful relationship is getting to know the people who are closest to your new bae. But take note if it's been a while and you have yet to meet any of their friends.
"If someone younger doesn't want to introduce you to their friends or integrate you fully into their life, they could be in it for the wrong reasons," says Hoffman.
But before jumping to conclusions, initiating a non-confrontational dialogue about how you'd like to feel more included in their life would be a great start. Plus, how they respond to you will tell you a ton about their maturity level and if they are able to communicate clearly.
Gauging the long-term potential for pretty much any relationship hinges on the fact that you both have visions for the near and distant future that can, at the very least, coexist. While your partner's goals don't need to be the same as yours, they do need to be things that you would be willing to meet in the middle on. According to Hoffman, it's important to get a sense of their goals for the future early on, so you'll know how best you can — and if you can — help your partner meet them, while still reaching your own.
To some, age may very well be just a number, but it never hurts to do your due diligence when it comes to sussing out whether or not the person you're dating is on the same page as you are. In the end, if both party's intentions are on the up-and-up and you have life plans that complement each other's, then there's no need to get caught up in worrying about an age gap.
Check out the entire Gen Why series and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV.
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