Dating Man With Crazy Ex Wife

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Not letting the drama and war take over YOUR lives is a struggle. It is something that took a while for my fiance and I to master. The hardest part is watching the kids struggle with their own pain, dealing with a mother they know is not quite right in the head, but having no idea what to do with that information. It's no one's dream to take on someone else's crazy ex, but if the alternative is not having my fiance and the kids in my life, then I'll take it.
Thank you so much for posting this. I've been having such a hard time in my relationship which is basically the same thing you've written here. The only difference is that there is the added bonus of the crazy ex thinking that my boyfriend and I were sleeping together while they were still together (she used to accuse him of sleeping with everyone under the sun because she is incredibly self-conscious). Therefore, she decides she wants to threaten and harass me personally and involve her children in informing them that their father is a "scum bag" and his new girlfriend is a "whore" when they are only three and six years old. It can be so much sometimes and just hearing that others are in similar situations is so relieving it makes me feel like I can muscle through it and maybe one day it will get easier. So thank you again for sharing. You seem like a very strong woman and I wish you the best!
Shaila, so sorry you're dealing with that!

I'm going to throw some unsolicited advice at you though...

It's a very delicate task to correct kids when their bio parent tells them something awful about you. Especially with kids who are as young as your SO's. But, if it were me, when the kids bring it up, ask them if it's nice to call people names? They'll likely tell you that of course it's not nice. I'm sure their parents have at least been able to teach them that much by now! But, those words their mom used, they aren't nice words, and I'd tell the kids that it's not ok to repeat them. I'd also probably tell the kids that when mommies and daddies break up, it's hard and it hurts a lot of feelings. Their mom is probably just still sad, and when people are sad, sometimes they call other people names. Then leave it..

A big part of dealing with all of this is first us grownups learning on our own not to let our blood boil. It's hard. VERY hard. But look at the kids. Those poor creatures are caught in the middle. They love both of their parents. They only know what they're told, and when they're young, in these cases the crazy bios convince the kids of mean things. All you can do is correct that in age-appropriate ways. Explain in the simplest terms you can where those feelings are probably coming from, but that the kids can have their OWN feelings, and that's ok.

It does get better. Not all at once. Not quickly, either. But it does get better.
This article really resonated with me! I am so glad you posted this. My boyfriend is in the exact same situation, except they've split time up 50/50 so he has to stay in state with her... which explains why hes moving to Maryland in December. I've had such a hard time dealing with his crazy ex's bullshit and drama and it made me wonder if I should leave the relationship or not because of it... He's absolutely great, and hes a great father, but she calls him asking for money, and takes the kids out of state without his permission, its horrible! It causes him so much stress, he can barely afford to make ends meet.
This article really resonated with me! I am so glad you posted this. My boyfriend is in the exact same situation, except they've split time up 50/50 so he has to stay in state with her... which explains why hes moving to Maryland in December. I've had such a hard time dealing with his crazy ex's bullshit and drama and it made me wonder if I should leave the relationship or not because of it... He's absolutely great, and hes a great father, but she calls him asking for money, and takes the kids out of state without his permission, its horrible! It causes him so much stress, he can barely afford to make ends meet.
Wow, this was a breath of fresh air,as I have not met anyone else in my situation. I too am going through a similar mess. It's gotten so stressful for me that I've thought if leaving would just be better because I know without his baggage, I wouldn't have to deal with drama, his 3 year old, the crazy wife (hes still legally married but going through the divorce process) and on top of everything, his PTSD (he's a combat veteran). He's a great person but I have asked if all this baggage is worth it and it sucks but I have to be honest, when all of this is going on more frequently I tend to feel some resentment toward him n the child and i know that's wrong. I've never openly admitted that and I feel kind of bad for it but coming from someone who isn't big on kids, I'm trying to have a relationship with the kid and I've found myself getting close to her and even enjoying my time with her but the moment the crazy wife starts drama, n the child starts saying she doesn't like me cuz "mommy" doesn't like me it just makes me take a few steps back. I think it's more frustrating because I feel like I have no one I can vent to who understands.
I know this is an older post.. but i stumbled across it and i am in the EXACT same boat you are in. I am trying to figure out if the baggage is worth it. My boyfriend has 50/50 of his now 8 year old boy and his ex-wife does nothing but cause drama.. tons of it. Shes now been putting stuff in the kids head about us and me especially. Also, their child has ALOT of behavioral issues and she refuses to agree to get him help. He scares me.. and my boyfriend and myself have a baby together and he cant even be trusted around the baby. I have tried to reach out on other blogs but people just bash me when I say how i start to feel resentment towards their child. I also know its wrong, but you cant explain the feeling to others unless you are in the situation. We cant go places and do things because of the kids behavior and that stinks for me and my daughter bc its like we "suffer" because of it. We miss out on things bc of it. If you are ever up to having a venting session please let me know.
Sofia you are so not alone. I debate with myself on a daily basis if my boyfriend's baggage is worth all the stress and drama. His crazy ex just doesn't know when to stop and there is a cutie little two year old that I adore involved. The little one and I have a great relationship but I worry how that will be in a year or so because like your situation I know this crazy chic is going to bash me to the cutie. I understand that my boyfriend has to deal with her because of the little one but this chic uses the kid to text him everyday. Then she gets angry and uses the kid to get back at him. It is never ending. How much is enough? When do we say it is time to leave the drama? These are questions I wrestle with on a daily basis. I hope things get better for you!
Kind of sad to see others in the same boat! My boyfriends ex will call and text almost everyday because of the "baby" but still manages to call me awful names, and tell him how she wishes they could still be a family. It's been over a year, and it feels like it's never going to end.
I don't believe with border lines it will end. I'm in the same position and you really don't know what it feels like till you are here. It's nice to know I'm not alone. But still wish I knew how to handle it better.
I went searching for an article to help me through dealing with my boyfriends crazy ex-wife who absolutely hates my guts. We've been dating for a year and she still hasn't gotten used to the idea of me being around. She won't let my boyfriend take their son out of her house, when he wants to see his son, he has to go to her house and see him there. He is only a baby, a little over a year and a half and it's sad that she won't let us take him because she doesn't want us to have the family she didn't. I've tried being understanding and explaining that I have so much love for her son, and that I understand she is his mother and I could never replace her. But there is no communicating with the crazy. She just said "no matter how long she's around, the baby will never love her or give a fuck about her. She will always be nothing to him" which hurts. I buy him clothes, shoes, toys, etc (which we can't tell her or she'd throw them away), and all I want is to love him because of the love I have for his dad. He is such a sweet little boy, it makes me sad she uses him for leverage against my boyfriend. She makes him seem like a toy that is only hers, and no one is allowed to play with. It's very childish and annoying.
It's such a hard spot to be in. Some days I'm confident and don't let her get to me, and other days I don't know how to keep dealing with it. Being called a whore and a bitch, and any other name gets to be tiring. I get blamed for literally anything and everything that is wrong in her life. Coming from a divorced family myself, I had no idea someone could be so manipulative and crazy in going through a divorce and custody battle. My mom handled it way more gracefully.
I'm catching up on comments so late here... But I wanted to say at least this about your situation Megan...

The more you try and talk to your BF's ex, the more she's going to hate you right now. Because she's crazy and emotionally immature.

Since I've been in that situation, what worked for me was to disengage from the ex completely. Anything that needed to be said to her is said through my (now) husband.

With regard to his visits with his kid...he does NOT have to meet her wherever she designates. He has the right to follow the visitation orders, and unless there is a stipulation in there about him having to have supervised parenting time, or unless there's a location specified, then he can exercise his time wherever he wants. It's up to your BF to flex his balls and put his ex in her place. And sometimes that includes taking her to court for violating the parenting time agreement. Usually 1-2 times in court for violations is enough. For especially stupid or crazy ex's, you might have to go more times than that, and at that point the question of "Do we want to just apply for a change in custody?" comes up. If you do want a change, then you start documenting everything, playing it smart, and you play the game to work the court system. If not...fight for the visitation your BF needs and wants, and then call it quits on fighting for more than that. Court battles, especially over kids, are financially and emotionally draining. But they can be rewarding.

Good luck. Hang in there.
Clearly I am on the path of trying to understand and deal with my situation. Or rather, how to maintain a healthy relationship when storm "crazy ex" hits our relationship island everyday. I love my boyfriend and his 4 kids, but my hatred for his vile ex is really making things difficult.

She is diagnosed Bi-polar but I believe it is much more then that, possibly Borderline Narcissistic Personality Disorder or just plain old possession.

Ever since I came into the picture a year ago, (the divorce was a bit fresh) She has not stopped trying to make my boyfriends life hell. She usually would just attack him, as a person and a father which would hurt him because, she knows he is and was more of a parent to those kids then she ever was, this guy is so devoted to his children that I accuse him of being a 'helicopter parent'. But lately she has been attacking me, I am certain she has been doing it all along, but he hasn't told me, which I prefer and appreciate, her words mean nothing to me.

My heart hurts, my anxiety is overwhelming, I can't be near this woman without fighting the desire to physically shake her and say "Dont you care at all about your children and whats best for them!?"

She uses them to manipulate my ex, she feeds them lies and says hurtful things about their father right in front of him.

There are days that my boyfriend will burst out laughing in reading a text from her because the things she says and comes up with are beyond ridiculous and completely insane that he doesn't know what else to do, how do you respond to insanity and delusion?

I am very protective of the people I care about, but in this battle I feel helpless because I cannot intervene for the sake of the kids and believe me I have wanted to say my peace.

She calls him whenever she knows I am around for completely fake reasons but she knows he will pick up because it might be about the kids. He's told her over and over to not contact him unless it's about them, but she ignores that. She even has a boyfriend, but continues to try and rely on my boyfriend for everything, which is funny because in their marriage she constantly complained that he never did enough for them, she also abused him physically and emotionally.

I'm just looking for some advice, guidance, yoda wisdom, whatever you got.
Sometimes you ask if it's worth it..i know I'm not a woman but I'm dating a woman with a narcissistic lying sociopath ex..and has taken toll..filing false police report..which now thankfully state attorney had picked up and I'm pressing charges on him for that...poor kids get so confused mentally...father came back in the picture 2 years ago had been nothing but chaos..ive been with them since 1and 3..now they are 5and 7..he hates they call me dad punishes them for it..i could go on and on...idk how much longer I can hold on..i don't know how you women do it
So sorry you're going through that. My timing of getting together with my guy was a bit soon (well, a year) after his divorce, too :-/. It was like the crazy ex had a competition going to see who could move on the fastest....and once my guy and I got together, she was determined to make things hard. They'd both dated a couple of people already...I just ended up sticking.

So my main question for you, and your BF is...why does he answer the phone when she calls? Why does he respond to her texts? HE needs to get contact with her contained so that she's not so intrusive. Unless it's an emergency, he doesn't need to respond to her calls. Unless the texts are RELEVANT information about the kids, they don't need to be responded to.

Establishing communication and contact boundaries is the key to long-term "peace." And it's really hard to do at first. But the more you do it, the more you'll become accustomed to it. The ex, at first, will RAMP UP the contact when she realizes she's being ignored. She'll say anything, or do anything, she has to in order to get attention. Then it's a matter of you guys fighting back appropriately....bring the courts into it if you have to if/when she violates orders. A couple of rounds of that, and the crazies generally calm down.

It's a (half?) marathon. Not a sprint. Best of luck.
I'm glad you posted this, ,my situation is exactly the same as in this story,but I do not know what to do now ,we have been together over a year ,but I can't see the sign of his ex will stop the madness yet, ,and my boyfriend tolerant with her for the sake of the children, ,
I was in the same spot 23 years ago. My husband's children are now 28 and 32. They are both totally messed up and the younger, a girl, has been estranged from my husband for 3 years. His ex is a sociopath and the daughter is on the verge. Be sure you really love your man if you have an inkling that his ex is really crazy, otherwise RUN!!!!
I am in the same position also. I've been married just over two years to my husband and his ex wife makes life miserable. She accused me of molesting my 7 year old step son just over a year ago. She has him so brain washed it's sad! It all got dropped and they said they believed he was coached but it still hurts. Why would anyone make their child think they were molested! I have never met anyone like her in my life and honestly I don't know how to deal with her. Any advice is very appriciated!!
Whoa...that is definitely not ok.

I hope you and your husband have your SS in some therapy. Family therapy can help, too. When it comes to combating PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome...and that's what's happening to you), professional help is key.

So sorry! Hang in there!
I went through the same thing just over a year ago. It all got dropped, but it's very hurtful to go through something like that. I don't know what is wrong with these women that do this to their kids. Life with my husbands ex will never be "normal" she will always cause problems and I won't lie I struggle with it a lot. Any advice on how to not let it bother me?
I've been in the same situation for years. Everything every one has been saying I feel like I can relate to. In fact im crying as i type this post because of the ex YET AGAIN ruining another planned hangout with me and my man cause she has used every excuse that has ever existed to delay picking up their child or screw up our time together.
Hello, as everyone here I was very happy to find this article after typing such a stupid sentence on Google "I am dating a man with a crazy ex". And that is when I knew I had touched bottom. I met my boyfriend on a blind date. He's 17 years older than me and has a lovely 13-year-old with his lovely ex-wife (they divorced 7 years ago). Then he got a "lady", let's call her Cara, pregnant after a one night stand while visiting home. The baby is now 3. My BF quit his job and went back to a bad situation in Argentina, where he is from, to take care of her and the baby. He put that baby to sleep every night and took care of the bills with his savings. Now, it sounds like us, the girlfriends, always defend them and believe everything they told us they did. Even when we were not there. That's because we love them. And, because we want to believe if they got us pregnant, they'd do the same thing for us.

THE ISSUE:

She manipulates him and calls him to say the worst things you´ll ever hear a human being say. He reacts and gets angry, which causes a cloud in our entire relationship - quite often. My problem is: I can be just so supportive to a man who's determined to be miserable. When does it stop? When will our relationship stop being affected by her? I almost feel as if her using the baby is her indication that they were married. He's doing the best he can and dealing with all the crazy amounts of money she asks (which has not been a problem to me because I hate arguing with people about their own money). It's the mood changes she causes on him. That spell. I try not to think that he loves her, but there's a really thin line between loving someone and wanting to murder them. It is still just as time consuming. I think he's doing everything not to fuck up another child's life. He's had that baggage. I've never loved someone so much to write a comment like this, left alone Google a solution. I'm running out of cheers for him. I don't have the s
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