Dating Ex Wife After Divorce

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Source(s): Licensed professional counselor.
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My ex wife of a month has begun dating. I have been dating for months ( we have been separated and filed for a year) I dont know why..I filed, but this is killing me. When she is out, it drives me nuts. I didint want this divorce but she cheated many, many times with the same guy and I couldnt stomach it. My son tells me "suck it up dad, she was dating WHILE you were married" why worry about it now. I just dont understand why this hurts so badly. I kind of have a G.F. it shouldnt bother me.....but it does. Has anyone else experienced this?
Get counseling to help you move on from this.
You are bothered because you did not want a divorce, you divorced because you knew you deserved better. She is a liar and a cheat. You are obviously still in love with her, hurt by her actions as well. Normal to feel pain, you need to give yourself time and permission to grieve the loss of the relationship. And when you see her remember she was a liar and a cheat. She probably has not changed she is treating all of the new men the same way she treated you. You may consider therapy or counseling to assist you in dealing with your feelings which are quite normal. Good luck.
Indeed time heals everything. Just keep your mind off her and just never let her cross your mind again. You have to move on. I mean, you did the right thing by divorcing her. She was cheating on you! You didn't have any other option, and you certainly deserve way better than her! Let her live her life. I'm sure she's being all wild and screwing around with as many guys as she could. You really, really need to move on fully and vow never to grieve over losing your poor excuse for a wife or wish that things were otherwise.
My best guess is that you are wondering why she did this while she was married to you. Is there a possibility that you wonder why she did this TO YOU? I can guarantee you, honey, she would do this to any man. At one time you loved her, and part of you might believe you still love her (there is little about her that deserves that kind of loyalty, by the way). It's really sad that your son is the one who reminded you that his mother was "dating" during your marriage, and that you need to work past this. She was completely shameless in her affairs and it sounds like she never cared what it did to you. Sad, sad, sad.
One suggestion: right now, do NOT be developing a new relationship with a GF. That is simply not fair to her, because you have still not worked through the issues form your marriage. Until you honestly feel you have worked through that, you have no business getting into a new relationship. best wishes to you.
HI well im going Thru the same thing right now with my husband i don't know if he filed for divorce already for the same thing ur ex wife did...i really do regret it but now its to late to make things better i wish all the problems would go away...but yes now that im not with him i miss him soo much it hurts that he is talking to someone else. we are all humans and don't tend to know what you really want until u see all the consequences...I thought I didnt love him, but not now that im not with him i feel that i did love him maybe because we are use to be with each other everyday, but in reality ur next to the person u decieded to share ur life with. and the person u fell in love with.
No, but the thoughts of another man touching your once treasured is hard to swallow. Especially you still have feelings for her. Good Luck!!!
You don't have complete closure yet. The sooner you obtain that the better off you will be.
IF THATS THE CASE MOVE ON AND I MEAN LITERALLY BY MOVING OUT OF THE STATE YOU LIVE IN,STARTING A NEW CAREER OF SOME SORT,AND ACCEPTING JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR.IF YOU STAY WHERE YOU ARE AT,EVERYWHERE YOU GO,EVERYWHERE YOU EAT,ANY "FRIENDS" YOU HAVE ARE ALL INTWINED TO HER AND WILL REMIND YOU OF HER,AND WILL DESTROY YOUR SPIRIT.GOOD LUCK MAN AND IM VERY SAD AND SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO YA
Just give it some time, y'know? Time heals everything. :)
I'm sorry you had to go through such unfortunate things.

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Contributors to this sub are going through a divorce, have been through one, or are contemplating the decision. Some of us initiated our divorce, others were "dumped." Some divorces involved infidelity. You will find both the betrayed spouse and the ones who cheated commenting here. We are all here to provide support for each other.

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I just need to be real for a minute with some people who might understand.
When my husband left, he told me he’d been unhappy for FOUR years. It was like a punch in the gut because I never picked up on it. We had our second child in that time! I felt like an idiot.
Well, I’m now seeing someone who just seems legitimately awesome. Very sweet, caring, patient- I could go on lol. The problem I’m having is fighting these thoughts that maybe he actually hates me too. He hasn’t dropped a single red flag, and I know it’s me just... being damaged? I just don’t know how to fight it.
I’m currently in therapy, but I’m just wondering if anyone else has gone through something like this.
i feel this way too. my husband revealed he was secretly unhappy and thats why he cheated on me and left, but all of that was news to me. I suspect the 'unhappiness' was really him looking for an excuse for his cheating, but regardless, it has made it INCREDIBLY hard for me to trust in any new relationship. I assume that how someone says they feel and how they really feel are probably not matching. I immediately start worrying how likely is this person to cheat on me again... its really traumatizing to be gaslit like this, to be made to question your reality and then have trouble trusting your future reality... i dont know what to say re advice, this is an active daily problem in my life. i dont know if you just need to date someone SUPER open and communicative?
I think the saving grace here is that this new person IS super open. He’s very expressive about how he feels and that is reassuring. It’s really not him, it’s just me lol.
Thank you for calling it gaslighting. My wife told me about her emotional affair and told me she may have never been happy in our 8 year marriage despite saying we were great 3 weeks before that bomb.
When I look back I see all these times she’s introduces doubt in my life; do I really feel ready for kids? Does X friend really like Y thing we did? Etc...
I think she did this to avoid the feelings she had and to get the reactions she wanted me to have. No matter her motivation, it is gaslighting. She would narrate events so differently in ways at times that I knew she was wrong and even able to prove sometimes. That was selfish, wrong, and rocked my world.
My wife blamed her cheating on being alone, and not feeling close to me anymore. The problem with that defense is that she also cheated only 2 years into us dating. At that point we were still very close, got a long really well, and she told me pretty much everything, but she was living another life behind my back. She wasn’t unhappy, or lonely. She just wanted to cheat, and keep me around while she did it.
When my husband left, he told me he’d been unhappy for FOUR years. It was like a punch in the gut because I never picked up on it. We had our second child in that time! I felt like an idiot.
This is super common, from what I've seen/heard, and I don't think you should blame yourself for 'not picking up on it.' If he was unhappy, it was on him to directly tell you so, and he chose not to. The best any of us can do is try to be a bit more perceptive, which has pretty obvious limits, but also understand how things went wrong (his lack of communication). It's more than reasonable that you now have trust issues, anyone would.
Dunno how this metaphor will land, but a spouse is not a lifeguard. A lifeguard is trained to watch for when swimmers suddenly stop moving, which means they are drowning (splashing around/waving/yelling for help are not signs of drowning). Drowning is a subtle thing to spot from far away. In marriage, if a spouse is 'drowning,' they NEED TO SPLASH AND WAVE. Ie use their goddamn words to communicate their unhappiness, because they are adults and this is not some lake or beach.
I do think it will take time for you to trust again, which sucks, but it means your patience, and therapy, will pay off. But also, your guilt might get in the way of that healing. You aren't any partner's lifeguard. I think you actually have the pieces to your recovery in front of you... hang in there, you're doing the right things, and good luck with your new relationship :)
Great metaphor with the lifeguard bit! Biggest differential here... a lifeguard is TRAINED. We, as spouses (ex-spouse in my case unfortunately) were never trained to “spot” the drowning. We need the communication.
I feel ya. My ex wife (and a lot of other folks I've dated) pinned a lot of issues on me and basically told me that I'm Inherently The Problem in the relationship.
Uh. I've done the therapy and the wonderful dude I'm dating right now says that he understands my issues are mine to work through and he's there for me regardless but...it takes time. A lot of time.
Basically, I guess it fucking sucks but it's an exercise in extended trust building where if it gets serious and things are gonna work, you're both gonna have to be very aware of the prior trauma and be really ready to communicate openly.
|the wonderful dude I'm dating right now says that he understands my issues are mine to work through and he's there for me regardless but...it takes time. A lot of time.
Same. I have been with my current bf for a little over a year now, and any time I have a breakdown, all he does is hold me and reassure me that it's okay, he isn't going anywhere, he knows I have been hurt very badly and it will take a lot of time for me to heal.
Conversely, if I truly do need to be left alone when I am feeling my worst, just for a while to cool my head, he understands that too. When I am ready, I tell him what was going on in my head in that moment (I am not always good at it, unfortunately. Being with my ex for almost 12 years and him using my weaker moments against me instead of lifting me up now causes me to just withdraw, or get snappy to push people away so I don't seem as vulnerable as I am feeling. Work in progress. I am less skittish than I was before, but PTSD fucking sucks and utterly addles your mind at the worst times.)
And seconding to OP, her ex is in fact, a turd.
Same. This is so relatable. I keep waiting for this guy to run away at any moment. He’s been very patient with me. It helps he’s gone through a divorce too and understands that it takes time.
Yes. It’ll take time. You’ve been through a lot & given your time & history with your ex, your mind will need to be essentially rewired. I can relate to this all too well.
I’m the partner who “was unhappy” for 2 years. I don’t know if it will help having this perspective, but I will try.
I want to start with it’s not usually the partner that’s the problem. Think about how many external stresses a relationship will go through: work, not enough money, sacrifice, children, illness, grief, relocation and so on. If healthy communication isn’t present, resentment or distance can build.
Never, ever, ever think it’s just you.
Now, saying “I was unhappy for X amount of time” is a lot easier than saying “ I have been unhappy because of Y and Z”.
X is saying I’m hurting a lot and I don’t want to give a good enough reason why, but I want my hurt to be impactful. I want you to see I’ve had enough and I’m desperate for a change.
Y and Z opens a lot more questions and vulnerability.
Can I fix this? Is this a good enough reason? Am I overreacting? Am I to blame? Have I failed? And for some they just want to do bad things without moral implications.
No Your husband didn’t hate you either. Hate it such a strong emotion, you would have had to do something absolutely horrendous. People say this to hurt another, not as a true reflection of their feelings.
When I decided I was not happy for 2 years, it was because I could pinpoint a defining moment where I realized I was not happy with a difficult situation. If it helps to know, it was an immigration issue not a relationship issue. How we dealt with it was a relationship issue. These flags popped up occasionally, but not all the time. The remaining years were not spent going “ why am I with him, I don’t want to be here, I hate him” in fact he was still very much important to me even after the split and I loved him dearly. Some days he annoyed me more, sometimes situations made me think “wake up” or why did you do that, but never was it a constant state of misery. In fact our biggest clashes were after our marriage ended.
Do not let this wreck your confidence. Your husband was probably very much there with you during the exciting times in your relationship, but the bad times are overshadowing that in his memory. You are capable of being loved, you are capable of a healthy relationship with mutual respect and communication, and you are capable of having a life after heartbreak.
I wish you so much love and happiness going forward.
Did you ever get to a point and realize you overshadowed the good parts of your relationship with the bad parts? And if you did, how did you feel or react to this realization?
Thanks for sharing the other perspective.
I don't think you can ever think of a person's opinion about you when they lied to you for 4 years and didn't be open and honest with you. You can never think like that. You take things slowly and be open and honest with him about what you are going through and how you feel about it. If you say the things about him are true, I am confident that he would understand be respectful of your feeling and be honest whenever he feels iffy about something.
Absolutely I’ve been there. I forced myself to make daily decisions to act on either...
I would often FEEL unwanted, even if someone asked for my company. But I KNOW they asked me when they didn’t have to. Separating my thoughts into knowledge and feelings and discerning the two helped me tremendously in those early times post divorce.
As much as you can, rely on what you know instead of what you feel.
Your feelings need to recalibrate after the trauma of divorce. And after the revelations of divorce it can feel like what you know is in question. So go easy on yourself and don’t read too far into things.
If someone invited me to give them company then I don’t know if that person likes me and you know what’s great? I don’t need to know that right away even if I feel like I do. All I know is that I’ve got an invitation and they act like they like me and I know I like them and that’s good enough for me to have a small measure of peace and enjoy myself for an evening.
This definitely comes down to your values, so I offer this from an awareness of my values. I went to therapy after finding out my ex had had a double life for, like, the entire decade we were together. For the life of me, I did not want to be a cynical person who saw doubt and suspicion in every waking moment. My therapist introduced me to a couple of helpful concepts to help me package my thoughts and be better aware of my feelings in the moment. I'm paraphrasing: the best way to decide if someone's worth trusting is to trust them (from Hemingway, I think), and if you expect deception you'll find it (from a Star Trek episode haha). This isn't useful advice for everyone, but it really resonated with me... I can look for red flags without expecting them, and I can be wise about who I trust and how I trust them. You answer the who/how for yourself, but I strongly encourage you to bring up your feelings with your partner. In my experience, honesty and openness about your worry here is merited and quite possibly the way to give your partner the opportunity to know that they can earn your trust and make you feel comforted (or, hopefully not, but the opposite).
It's normal. Divorce is a traumatic event and it leaves people with all kinds of insecurity scars. I would trust your partner there - if he doesn't say anything, assuming that everything is going well. I don't think he would be in a relationship otherwise.
And you'll have those feelings and insecurities. I would suggest working through those with the therapist. You have a wound there and it's only reasonable that it will hurt sometimes whether your partner does something to trigger it or not. But it will pass over time.
Same. Same. I have a lot of issues from my marriage being told often that I wasn't enough. I have a hard time thinking that someone would think I am enough. I hate how much my marriage triggers me and makes things harder. I hate how it still affects me. I am hoping time will change things.

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