Dating Again After Death Of Wife

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If there is one issue that can create division, and even anger, in a room full of widows and widowers, it’s the topic of dating after the loss of a spouse. Of all the subjects in all the groups that I’ve ever facilitated, this may be the most controversial.
For some, just the mention of dating again can cause such a negative and visceral reaction -I’ve seen grievers walk out of presentations where this topic was only one small part of the conversation.
But why the strong reaction? Does it a feel like a sense of betrayal to the deceased? Or of being rushed into something we’re not ready for? Is just the thought of having to start over, to put ourselves out there just too overwhelming or too exhausting? Is it that the endeavor seems worthless as there will simply never EVER be someone as perfect for us as the partner we lost?
And is it fair that a griever has to cope with this tremendous grief while also answering questions from family and friends about whether they plan to date again? Or is it fair that a griever may face judgement from those who think that they aren’t ready to date or believe they shouldn’t?
I’ve stated many times that grief is unique. Just as every person is unique, so is their reaction to the losses they face. And while I think on some level we all understand this, I don’t see it put into practice as much as this general agreement should indicate.
The fact is we all come from different backgrounds. Even within our own family, our experiences within that family can be so unique that we have a completely different set of morals, values, and coping mechanisms than our siblings. In the larger world, we need to think about where we were raised, what part religion played in our life, as well as so many other factors like money, education, etc. And believe it or not, just as all of these things absolutely become part of the fabric of who we are as a person, they also contribute in every way to who we are as a griever.
It’s important to remember this piece especially when we talk about dating after the loss of a spouse, as it can be all of these things that determine whether it may be right for us or not.
And maybe that’s a good place to start. What is right for us? It’s a question we rarely ask ourselves, perhaps because we recognize that we may not always find the answer. So instead we look to the opinions of those around us and seek validation in what they think is right for us.
It can mean feeling pressured in either direction when it comes to the “what next?” part of our grief. Because that’s a very important point to make here. This idea of dating after the loss of a spouse, for most, comes much further along in their grieving process. Not everyone! I don’t want to generalize, just for all those reasons stated already. But for a lot of people I have worked with, the thoughts of dating again come after the acute and early stages of grieving have softened and subsided a bit.
So in wanting to make this discussion inclusive to everyone, we’ll take a look at each side of this “debate” to help you figure out perhaps, where you fit.
Not interested in dating again – perhaps this should be broken down into the not interested in dating again EVER or the not interested in dating right now. But for the sake of this article I think we’ll put them in the same category as one of the better things a person or griever can do is stay in the present moment. So for right now this would apply to those who are not dating or interested in dating. If you’re being encouraged or even pushed by people around you, take a moment to think about how that makes you feel. Annoyed? Angry? Misunderstood? All of those things? Most grievers will say that when family or friends try to push them back into the dating pool before they’re ready, they feel that these people simply don’t understand them, or the depth of the love and grief they feel for their spouse who has died. So the issue here is not so much of a “should I or shouldn’t I venture out into the dating world?”, but rather, how do I communicate to those around me that I am not ready or may never be ready? My answer would be to tell them just that. Of course how you answer may also be determined by who is asking and how are they asking. Is it a beloved friend gently asking if you may be ready? Or a nosey neighbor who says they can’t believe you haven’t married again? Of course the reaction we feel in each situation could be very different but our response can be the same no matter who is asking or how they say it/ask it. Let these people in your life know that you love your spouse, that you are grieving your spouse, and that you simply are not ready, nor are you sure you will ever be ready to welcome another person into your life in that way.
And that’s it. There is nothing else to say, do, or prove. And most importantly try not to let the questions or statements get to you (easier said than done, I know). Remember that in most cases they come from a place of love and concern. People like to see their loved ones happy and they may feel that if you were happy when you were part of a couple, than the key to getting you happy again is to encourage you to become part of a couple again.
Grievers understand how much more complicated it is than that, but the person you’re speaking with may not. Believe that they have good intentions for you, thank them for their concern, and move on with what you know is right for you without letting anyone else’s influence shake the foundation that you are trying to rebuild.
Interested/looking/have begun dating again: so here we are on the other side of the equation with grievers who may feel that they are ready to start dating again. In a lot of ways there is even more to cover here, but I think it’s best to try and keep it simple. Let’s start with the questions every griever should consider before exploring a new relationship.
So if after answering all of the above you have decided you may be open to the idea of pursuing a romantic relationship with someone new at some point, remember a few important things:
In the end, regardless of what side of the “debate” you are on, know that this is a very personal and very difficult decision for any griever to make. Respect the individuality of this choice, and try not to judge yourself or others for whatever they decide. Know that even entertaining the idea of dating again can be a very healthy sign of where a person is in their grief journey. Know that it is possible to be committed and devoted to your late spouse while still wanting to grow and move forward and find happiness again. At the same time recognize that companionship and joy can come from many many places, and that a romantic relationship can be a very big step. It is not an easy answer, and like every relationship before, it will take work and devotion, and that may or may not be something you feel you have the energy for at this point in your life. Dating after the loss of a spouse may never feel right, and that is okay too.
Take it day by day, listen to your gut, and don’t be afraid to venture out. If the time is right, and the person is right, you’ll know. Just as you knew before.
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To provide an opportunity to continue this discussion, we have a created a new forum on www.griefincommon.com: Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse. Join us here to talk with others who may or may not know how they feel about this very tricky subject. This is not a place for judgment, but a place to explore the thoughts and feelings that we may be afraid to admit to ourselves. There are people here who understand. Join us today. 
So very much touched my heart really made me stop and think about my life. I can do it alone but I would be so blessed to share life with someone special
I liked this article very much. It helped me to put things into perspective that I have the right to date again when I feel I am ready and not feel guilty when others think I should or I shouldn’t date. Thank You
I was planning NOT to ever date again and wasn’t looking for a relationship at all. A friend introduced me to her friend and we became friends. We discovered that we enjoyed each other’s company and now we are dating. But I feel guilty and think my friends and relatives (especially my deceased spouse’s relatives) will not understand.
I know exactly how you feel. We worry so much what others think of us, but they have no idea of the true isolation of loss. You know the people that matter to you and those worthy of your love will understand. You will of course experience pity if you stay alone, but judgement if you don’t. Either way, it’s a weird place. We can’t control the thoughts of others of course! I am certain that your darling wife would want you to be happy again. Time is short. Being able to love again is a testament to how well you loved one another and also to hope. I hope therefore that you find happiness going forwards. Good luck on your journey xx
Franki, it is your life. It is your regrets in life that matter the most. Don’t live someone else’s dream. I ask again, we should the rules change for age 20 to age 60. Would you tell you son and daughter not to date and find happiness again?
My wife passed away suddenly a little over two years ago. We had been together almost 46 years. Since that time I had a dating relationship with a woman for three months, then a date with another woman recently. While I enjoyed the female companionship, it felt rather hollow and I felt myself wishing my wife was with me. I’ve realized in my grieving process that I haven’t come to the point yet that I’m ready for another female companion to come into my life again. This article validated that I am perfectly normal in my grieving process. Thank you.
It was so good to read this article. The love of my life left this world at the beginning of this year after a horrific battle with glioblastoma multiforme. I am in my early forties and was with him from my teens, married for 24 years with two amazing sons. He was and always will be the love of my life. My world broke down along with my heart as my beautiful man stopped knowing who I was two days after Christmas. I resigned myself to a life alone; how could I ever love another human being in the same way? It surely couldn’t be fair to someone else to know they would never fill his shoes. Before he passed, my boy told me his wishes for me and even who he wanted to care for me- a friend of his who I had not seen in over a decade. I shuddered in horror at this, and then fate, months later, made our paths cross. He to had experienced the pain of loss and we gently gravitated towards one another with warmth and care. It was extraordinary. I spoke to my counselor about my fears of ‘too soon, too unfair’. Her words to me were profound, She asked me that after the birth of my first son, did I ever think I could love another child that much, but I how did I then feel when my youngest came into the world. The message was simple. You can love as much, but in different ways. I have really struggled with guilt and the judgement of others. Those who judge did not see the endless nights of pain wracked sobbing, feel the isolation of being broken and entirely alone. It is no way a reflection that I am healed or am looking for a quick fix. I have chosen to live and not exist. My boy is in my heart, woven to me for all of time. I’ve loved, I’ve lost and I’m trying to be happy again. I just wish others could see that and I wish everyone the courage to live their lives as they choose, whatever they decide. Sending my thoughts to the sorrowful and bereaved, hoping that the skies brighten for you all, whether that view is alone or with another by your side xxx
To Caroline. Thank you for that positive message and best wishes as you move through life. I had not yet heard that comparison and really appreciate it now. After 20 years together with my husband who can only be described as one of the best (and not just by me), I struggled the last 4 years with trying to understand why he pulled away from me ending in his sudden, unexpected death 9 months ago. I suspect he felt something he did not discuss and was trying to prepare me. That pre-loss, combined with his unexpected and sudden death has created in me everything you described, plus a desire to recapture a similarly amazing relationship with someone new, like I had with him before. The feelings are so overwhelming at times, including guilt at wanting that because I love and miss HIM so much, etc. I choose to take your positive message with hope and trust that when the time is right, It will happen again for me. Thank you again, and I am so happy for your new companionship and wish I can find that too.
Ok, here’s another view. My husband passed away unexpectedly five months ago. Our marriage was not good (alcoholism). I want to date again but think others would not understand as they had no idea the state of my marriage and how he treated me. I spent too much time in a bad relationship and would like to find someone to spend my remaining years with. I feel that this is my second chance to be with someone who will value me. Anyone else experience my situation?
My husband of 38 years passed a month ago on November 2nd. Heart attack and alcoholism. You and I
share the same story and feelings. The one thing I am
scared about is acceptance and rejection. I too
want a healthy relationship/friendship with a man
who I secretly love and admire. We are just friends for
now. Only God knows if we are right for each other. He
has a heart of gold and it was broken. I pray that
someday he could love me as much as I love him.
I am only concerned for my grandchildren
Yes, although my husband was for the most part not an outright physical abuser, mentally he could do a number on me. He drank way too much, was a bully, among other things, along with putting all the burden on me to figure everything out financially. I can so relate to how you feel, I also would like to meet someone that cherishes the ground I walk on, just havent found anyone or dont know how to.
My husband of 38 years passed a month ago on November 2nd. Heart attack and alcoholism. You and I
share the same story and feelings. The one thing I am
scared about is acceptance and rejection. I too
want a healthy relationship/friendship with a man
who I secretly love and admire. We are just friends for
now. Only God knows if we are right for each other. He
has a heart of gold and it was broken. I pray that
someday he could love me as much as I love him.
I am only concerned for my grandchildren
Fortunate in finding a remarkable woman years ago, our marriage lasting 53 years ended with her cancer death in 2014. I deeply want to find another woman who can be my partner for the remainder of life’s journey. How best can I find her? I am 78 but healthy, active, and financially secure. She will also be Christian whose faith is important to her. The dating sites I’ve seen are difficult to use and seem mostly interested in profit. It’s good to know that some of you have found another, as I would like to do.
my husband died 23 months ago and had battled cancer for 7 years, as did i by his side. he became angry and abusive during the 7 year span. We continued to be together, however it was stressful aside from being terminal there was physical and emotional abuse. I wasn’t leaving a dying man, we at one time shared great love, life and enjoyment. he was very sick. I began dating the gentlest man for 8 months now, he’s got such a kind heart, and I have found myself focusing on the good I had with my spouse prior to death, and keeping him on a pedestal, and not focusing on the good with my new boyfriend..ouch…so hard to accept the negative interactions from my spouse..i think im vulnerable to accept the fact he was abusive.. abuse comes in many flavors shapes and sizes..I need to let new IN and let go of some of the past..he was a great man at once time. cancer sucks!
I am on the other side. Dating someone that is just now hitting the events leading up to the anniversary death. When she left to go on a business trip, his thoughts were when she comes back I will ask for a divorce. Unfortunately, she became sick out of the country and died there. We have been dating for 7 weeks, it has been great, we knew each other from high school.
I work with grief support group so I knew this time of grieving was going to be happening. He has retreated and is processing, I am just sending one or two texts a day. Hoping to just be here when he is through the tough weeks. Hoping he comes back to us after this….but only time will tell
First off, I am not letting my family or friends dictate my decisions. When the ask I feel like saying “Piss Off’. It is not your life. My reason to want to date is yes the loneliness but it is more than that. It give me purpose in life. Second, unless you have a loved one pass very early in your relationship chances are you are getting older as in my case late 50’s. I alway hoped to have someone to lean on as they lean on me as we go through the years. Lastly, I will not let a relationship slip by if the right person comes along. Why do the rules have to change from when you are 20 to when you are 60? I do know I will never remarry.
I have a deep survivor’s guilt. My husband said “Even if I am not here, I will always be with you.” I will never be far from him, spiritually and emotionally, my love and best friend of twenty-five beautiful years. He died in a terrible accident, suddenly, the rug pulled out from under me. I have fallen in love again, and I am grateful to the man involved because I never thought I could, but it is an untenable relationship because he lives so far away and has mental health issues. Still, I wrote a book called “The Ten Gifts Of Grief,” and I am pretty sure he was with me every word of the way. I must say I love my solitude now. It has helped me to be a better writer and artist. It would be nice to have a “friend” but I do have some trepidation about letting a man into my life who could turn out to be problematic, when I was so blessed. I don’t want to spoil that blessing, or the memory of my darling soul mate by ending up with someone who is not of his fine, upstanding, and, yes, beautiful character..for me, anyway.
It has been nearly 2 years since the death of my husband after 7 months of dealing with cancer. I miss the intimacy of someone to talk to, to hold me, to just “be” with. I know that I will not marry again, but a friend who lost his wife 6 years ago (he was one of the groomsmen in our wedding) reached out to me with similar feelings of loneliness and I’ve been giving it serious thought. I know him, was friends with his wife, we have history. I’m sure my grown children would be appalled, but I’d like to spend time with him. I miss that connection. I’m in my late 50s. I
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