Dating Advice For Alpha Females
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Many women have told me that they believe their relationships fizzle out—or that they aren’t attractive to men in the first place—because they are “too Alpha.” The thinking is that a man prefers to feel superior to his potential mate, so if you project success and intellectual ability, you will scare away eligible bachelors. (And be careful about seeming too independent or competent, some say.)
Yet, we see time and again that exceptionally smart, successful women do captivate quality men. Celebrities like Beyoncé, Katy Perry, Angelina Jolie, and Amal (Alamuddin) Clooney are popular examples of Alpha Female magnetism. I bet you can think of a few strong, capable women in your own life who have managed to attract lasting love.
Have you ever worried that you are "too alpha" to attract quality men—too independent, successful, career-oriented, or smart? Relax. The truth may be quite the opposite.
So what’s the truth? Do successful men really not want strong, independent mates—leaders, in other words—or is something else going on?
After years of working in the corporate world, I have come to this realization: that men and women have different ideas of what alpha looks and acts like. In other words, the very women who believe they are “too alpha” may not be perceived as strong and confident enough by the men they seek to attract. (And though it's not within my scope to discuss it here, learning to signal alpha to both men and women at work will ensure that you never get passed by for a promotion.)
Over the holidays I had the pleasure of attending a gathering of young professionals, mostly under the age of 40. I brought along a simple set of photographs to explore my theory that men and women read leadership cues differently. As a warm-up, I asked 11 men and 9 women to discuss the attributes they would look for in a life partner.
As a group, we agreed that confidence is one of the most important qualities that both men and women look for in a potential mate. Confidence signals that a person is emotionally healthy and at peace with who they are. In fact, the men said that possessing confidence is so critical to a woman’s appeal that it directly influences a man’s perception of her physical beauty and intelligence (attributes that they would also look for in a potential long-term partner.)
I asked both men and women women to look at photos A and B (below) and tell me which of the two models projected strength and confidence. I also asked them to come up with some adjectives to describe each woman.
THE WOMEN VOTE FOR "A" 8 of 9 women said that the model in Photo A projects more alpha. 1 of 9 said that the model in Photo B appears more confident.
THE MEN VOTE FOR "B" 8 of 11 men said that the model in Photo B is the Alpha Woman. 3 men said either A or B could be perceived as strong and confident.
Note that all 11 men saw the woman in Photo B as projecting alpha while only one of the women picked her. The more interesting information, though, is in the adjectives that the men and women used to describe the photos (below).
Now I realize this is hardly a scientific study. My goal is just to start a conversation about the differences in how men and women interpret social signals. How important is it that the woman in Photo B is withholding eye contact? — isn't that often associated with people in power? The women in our group did not consider that aspect of model B's pose, but perhaps the men did, at least subconsciously. Did the women prefer model A because she embodies qualities we might seek in an Alpha Male ?
You can see how our biases make it easy to miscommunicate, simply through body language and expression. This is why tips on flirting are so often misguided. Making eye contact with a cute guy seems so subtle to women — like being passive and doing nothing at all — while a man will say "Oh, she practically threw herself at me" because he perceives her gaze to be a direct invitation.
What's the conclusion for strong, independent women? I believe it's this: You don't need to pretend to be less than who you are to attract a strong, capable man.
But you should consider whether you are actually projecting inner confidence, or inadvertently appearing insecure to your dates. Do you tend to feel that you need to "do something" to call attention to yourself or show that you are in charge? (i.e., Acting out behavior that you would find attractive in your guy.) To men, it may appear that you are trying too hard — a sure sign that you don't value yourself highly enough. Next time, scale back on the effort. Practice sitting calmly, and let others approach you if they wish. Look your best, but don't feel you have to provide witty conversation or sultry glances. At its core, serenity is strength. Each day, bring a little peace into your life, and you may be pleasantly surprised to find that you attract both love and respect in the process.
Robyn Wahlgast is a Rules Certified Dating and Relationship Coach for Women, and a happily married mother of three. For more tips on signaling confidence, learn how posture affects others' perception of your power and attractiveness . And if you're looking for ways to project more feminine energy on dates, try this article on Love Energy . For more on masculine-feminine dynamics in dating, read this article on using The Rules to date with healthy boundaries . Never miss a new blog post: subscribe to our FREE newsletter .
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Dating Advice For Alpha Women: The Road To Love
Paperback – December 28, 2014
by
James Allen Hanrahan
(Author),
Dr. Pat Allen
(Author)
This item: Dating Advice For Alpha Women: The Road To Love
The Truth About Men Will Set You Free: The New Science of Love and Dating
It's a Man's World and a Woman's Universe
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James Allen Hanrahan is the author of A Life Of Love and the creator of the DVD Chemistry to Commitment. A Relationship and Communication Expert he works with women daily to navigate love and relationships. He's also a Dating Expert with Pre-Dating Speed Dating America's largest speed dating company.
Publisher
:
CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (December 28, 2014)
Language
:
English
Paperback
:
160 pages
ISBN-10
:
1505723264
ISBN-13
:
978-1505723267
Item Weight
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5.8 ounces
Dimensions
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5 x 0.37 x 8 inches
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I keep recommending this book to my friends, so I thought I might as well share it with the Amazon community as well. First of all, I really like the author. He is insightful and delivers in ways that are different from other dating/relationships coaches out there. I resonate with this overall philosophy and have finally purchased this book after watching all of his videos on youtube. It is important to know what kind of female you are and not every book offers that. Yes, we all want a high quality man, but you also have to know who you are and this book offers a crucial piece of the pie that may just be missing from your formula for you on your hunts.
Awesome book full of important insights/information that may great help women. Important information that would help a person heal/learn to be with men/have healthy relationships. I am glad I bought this. I pray they write more books. Happiness....
Wow this really was my missing piece of the puzzle. I didn’t feel alone.. I felt understood and like I could finally breath. I love Dr Pat and this book truly helped me further myself. Gave me the hope I thought was slipping away. Thank you!!!
I grabbed this after reading “getting to I do” for continued help. It has good information that some may really need, but by the end it all gets lost with so many run on sentences. Getting an editor doesn’t cost much - it really needs to be edited to read well. With that said, get it if the title grabs you, you’ll find some information that you need.
Spot on in a way that is a quick easy read. This extraordinary economy of words spells out exactly what is going on in a real way. Nice to have an intelligent man's point of view for a change.
Absolutely helpful material for women who are dating and want to get married! Its a must read, with many insights.
This is a GREAT book for Alpha women. I refrain from 5 stars because the editing and proof reading is non-existent. The content is really spot on and important. The poor editing somewhat diminishes its legitimacy.
1.0 out of 5 stars
terribly written
absolutely terrible. horrific grammar / punctuation meant I could barely understand what he was trying to convey. sounds like it's written in broken English. had to put it down and return, i couldnt read it any further than a few pages
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