Dating A Bisexual Woman
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Dating A Bisexual Woman
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Untrustworthy, greedy, “tourists”, guilty of “straight privilege”, even secretly straight… the list goes on. Let’s face it, we bis aren’t top of everyone’s dating list. But of course, it’s only by having a dialogue that we can sort out our differences. We decided to bite the bullet and invite a group of lesbian LOTL readers to give their frank opinions on the topic of dating bi women/female-spectrum folk…
“My first partner was bisexual and, to be honest, I probably wouldn’t go there again. I was very young at the time and overlooked her bisexuality, thinking if we settled down she’d grow out of it and happily stick with me. She did eventually go off with a man. Since then I have only dated lesbians as I feel more secure being in a relationship with someone of the same sexual orientation as me. I imagine true bisexuality to be extremely rare. There are so many people now claiming to be a bi that I do wonder if it has become a bit of a fad.”
“I’ve never had any trouble dating bi women. Bisexuality confuses people and makes them insecure, which then encourages them to hide behind these anti-bi stereotypes. People like it ‘simple,’ but in the end it’s important to realize that someone’s sexual orientation won’t always fit into the little boxes/categories that you want it to.”
“It’s never come up as an option for me. I’d honestly have to decide based on the woman involved. I’d rather date a lesbian, but if there was a bi woman I really liked I might take the risk. My best friend dated a bi woman for a year and they ended up fighting over it all the time. But I don’t think it was the best relationship anyway, regardless of her partner’s sexuality. Sometimes it’s hard to see past what friends and the media say about bisexuality and decide how you actually feel.”
“I’ve dated a bi woman, and she was actually really cool. Except, she hid that she was bi and only came out to me a few months into the relationship. I was hurt and felt that this dishonesty wasn’t okay. I would never have dated her if I knew to begin with. The reason I don’t want to date a bisexual is because I want to date a lesbian, someone who shares my identity and world view and is like me.”
“Most of my partners have been bi, by coincidence rather than design, and it’s never caused an issue. Well, only when I started seeing my first bi partner and I told her she was welcome to see other people. I wasn’t happy about the idea, but I would’ve done anything to keep her, and in my naivety I assumed she’d want to date men as well. She took a deep breath and quite rightly explained a few things about what it means – and doesn’t mean – to be bisexual!”
“I don’t think I would ever consider dating a bi woman. I would feel threatened by the idea of a man taking her away, or that fact that me having a vagina could prove a problem. If we wanted children, for instance, I would feel like I was never enough.”
“My current partner is bi. In fact, I was warned off her when I met her for that very reason. Five years later, I’m so glad I didn’t listen, although I did have reservations at first. And even though she mainly dated men before me, it’s clear to anyone who knows us that we’re in love. It doesn’t matter to me what her past was.”
So, the verdict was definitely split. Some of you were vocal bi-lady lovers, others said that polysexual partners were definitely off the menu and a couple of you fell somewhere in between. What’s the answer, then, when it comes to trying to increase the peace between lesbian and bi women? Tell us your thoughts in the comments below!
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This piece originally appeared on Femsplain.com . Femsplain is a community for everyone, powered by personal stories from anyone female-identified. It has been given minor edits before re-posting.
As any woman knows, dating, even in the age of Tinder and OKCupid can be an ordeal akin to slogging through a fetid marsh in search of treasure. For bisexuals, and indeed anyone who does not identify as being straight, gay, or lesbian, this is further complicated by the numerous stereotypes that have been associated with them.
In my experience, I’ve found that it’s often necessary to approach dating as though it was a hostile fortress in Skyrim, which seems appropriate, given how many men view bisexual women as tokens to be won. The problem is that it’s not always easy to identify these men, and I’ve had dozens of conversations that began promisingly, only for the issue of sexuality to come up and things to suddenly slide into a surreal horror movie. My bisexuality is seized like Excalibur by men who transform from good company to creeps in nanoseconds. Being treated like an anomaly is in no way a turn-on, particularly when it’s not as if LGBTQ people are an endangered population.
According to surveys done in the United States and around the world, an estimated 3.5% of adults in the United States identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual and an estimated 0.3% of adults are transgender, with the National Health Interview Survey finding that 0.7% of adults consider themselves bisexual .
The results of such surveys would suggest there are approximately nine million LGBTQ Americans, that there are more bisexual women than men, and therefore far more of them are looking for a date than is suggested by the media. However, there remain a few hurdles to finding love, among them the fact that the very definition of bisexuality is under debate.
Bisexuality may be defined as “romantic attraction, sexual attraction or sexual behavior toward both males and females, or romantic or sexual attraction to people of any sex or gender identity.” The latter may be considered as a separate orientation, that being pansexuality. To sum up, some people identify as being pansexual rather than bisexual, and others as bisexual and are attracted to people regardless of gender identity or sex. All of this means that human sexuality is extremely diverse, in spite of the prejudices that still exist.
Many of the stereotypes and assumptions about bisexuals are wildly inaccurate, and often also offensive. Of them, “wow, you’re bi, you must not have any trouble finding a date” is both.
As it happens, identifying yourself as bisexual isn’t a guarantee to fill your dance card, and it often deters members of the queer community — which is odd because one might think that they would be the most open to dating people who are attracted to more than one gender.
In fact, some lesbians and gay men are hostile toward bisexuals because they think that being bi is “just a phase,” your sexuality is “college experimentation” and that you should “pick a side already.” Contrary to popular misconceptions, sexuality is not a matter of teams, and you don’t have to choose. Even so, when asked if they would date a bisexual woman, many lesbians often say “no,” with their answers ranging from not wanting to bring men into their relationship, to worrying that being bisexual is synonymous with cheating.
Breaking down those two misconceptions should be relatively simple. Unless it’s agreed upon, your bisexual girlfriend is not going to assume you have an open relationship. That segues into the assumption that bisexuality activates some as-yet-unidentified part of the brain called the Cheating Zone, and compels a bisexual woman to sleep with anyone she meets — regardless of attraction, personality, or indeed, common sense — which is another level of insulting supposition that bi women can expect to deal with when navigating the murky waters of dating.
On the other hand, dating men can be equally problematic. Straight men are notorious for reacting to learning of a woman’s bisexuality with the phrase, “Oh, that’s hot.” Some of them then go on to ask, “So can I watch you and another woman have sex?” The answer to that is that a person’s sexuality is not a kink or an all-access pass to your personal fantasy. A guy saying that it’s great you’re bisexual, because he’s “always wanted to sleep with two women” makes him sound as if he thinks he’s in a video game and you’re an achievement to be unlocked, and reacting to such a creepy proposal with a “GTFO” is perfectly reasonable.
Then there’s the expectation that bisexuals are kinky by default. Not every bisexual person is looking for a BDSM relationship, the same way that not everyone likes pineapple on their pizza. It seems obvious when one thinks about it, but nearly every other bisexual woman I’ve talked to has at least one story about somebody wanting to add a little kink into their sex lives and assuming dating a bisexual is the best way to do it. This may be shocking to some people, but not all bisexuals want to have a threesome, and for a couple to make that suggestion to another person based only on the fact that they’re bisexual is not the way to a second date.
All of these assumptions are emblematic of the fact that bisexual people are either dismissed as being unfaithful and promiscuous, or little more than a prop in someone else’s sex life. And, while this may seem relatively harmless, the reality is that bisexual women have been shown to suffer from more mental health issues than lesbians.
“Bisexual people are at particular risk of invisibility and marginalization from both gay and lesbian communities and mainstream society,” said Dr. Ford Hickson, of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. In other words, being treated in this way by the very community that should be the most inclusive has a profound effect on bisexuals.
For many of them, it may be easier to simply omit the fact that they’re bisexual rather than tackle biphobia. And, in some cases, it’s a matter of personal safety. A report from the CDC found that bisexual women were twice as likely to be sexually abused as heterosexual women, which is not something one hears in discussion of bisexual women, nor how best to help these women stay safe.
Society and popular culture teaches people that everyone should find love and acceptance, but given how exhausting it can be to deal with the same old assumptions, it’s no wonder that many bisexuals may choose to keep their sexual orientation to themselves.
However, as with any stereotype, there is always room to grow and learn, so when someone chooses to share that part of themselves with you, try not to make snap judgements, and listen to them instead. You have nothing to lose but your prejudice, and it could be the beginning of something amazing.
This story was originally written by Kirsten Thompson for Femsplain.com .
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By Bethany Casey
Updated September 23, 2020
By Bethany Casey
Updated September 23, 2020
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In a survey I read online, I found out that over half of all bisexual people all over the world end up dating and settling down with a heterosexual person of the opposite gender to themselves. Now, there’s a lot of possible reasons behind this, it could be as simple as there simply being more straight people to choose from. However, there’s a large number of people out there who think this is because bisexuality doesn’t even exist – that it’s just some middle phase before going back to heteronormativity or finally accepting that you’re gay. I’ve heard the same argument a thousand and one times and I still have to grit my teeth at the erasure around bisexual folk, especially those in straight-presenting relationships.
Being bisexual, I always thought it didn’t really matter who I dated. I didn’t even know there was a word for it until my late teens, I just knew that gender felt somewhat irrelevant. I didn’t care if they were male, female, or neither of the two as long as there was a connection – but it seems that many people still feel the need for a bisexual person to somehow ‘prove’ their sexuality by playing the part or that somehow their sexuality is invalidated.
My last few relationships have been with straight men – they’re just the people I clicked with at the time. So if someone meets me for the first time and assumes I’m straight, that really doesn’t bother me because I’m aware that it presents that way.
But when someone asks me if I’m straight again – that’s when I get annoying. And when I say no, I’m not – this brings a whole stream of questions like “So are you dating a girl too?” and “But then why are you dating a man?” People definitely seem to assume that once I’ve committed myself to a person, I’ve committed myself to a whole new sexuality and identity to go along with it.
I’m lucky enough that I can be open with my partner about who I am, but dating straight men can sometimes bring its own set of problems to the table. Even from the beginning, just trying to tell the person you’re dating that your sexuality is different from what they may think can be a terrifying thing to do even now. Most men will just assume you’re straight because you’re involved with them. It’s hard, because sometimes telling people something about yourself can change everything and make people have some pretty horrible assumptions about you.
There’s the classic male-centered takes like “Oh great, can we bring a girl home, then?” – which, don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to, but that’s not exactly a first date conversation for most people. Or it can swing the totally other way and they point blank tell me to pick a side because they’re not comfortable with the idea of their girlfriend potentially being into another girl.
My answer to this is always the same: If I was interested in someone else, regardless of their gender, I wouldn’t be here with you. Just because I have the capability of being attracted to someone who isn’t the opposite gender to me doesn’t mean I am. Some of these people, not just guys, even feel the need to ask if they’ve “turned you” yet, like bedding a bisexual girl is some type of contest. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter how loving or sexy or sweet you are, you won’t change a girl’s sexuality by forcing it onto her. Even if I were to marry a man, that wouldn’t mean that I’ve finally chosen a side — I’d still be the same person as I’ve always been, I would just have found a person to love.
Another huge problem is the distrust it can bring onto you. Most guys get a bit put out when their girlfriend is spending time with her own guy mates, but when you’re bisexual, an insecure person sees everybody as a potential threat. I have beautiful friends, both male and female, and I have no interest in sleeping with any of them. And while that’s more a trust issue than a problem with dating straight men, it definitely makes the problem even bigger.
While dating a straight guy has it’s problems, it’s also amazing. I don’t wish I could date a woman too, or be with one instead, because I’m happy in my relationship. I don’t need to validate myself or question if my sexuality has changed because of the person I’m with. I know who I am no matter what everyone else thinks.
Besides, we can sit and drool over beautiful women together, and I don’t think there is a better bonding activity than that.
Even a semi-professional writer sucks at writing bios, sorry.
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