Dan Savage Monogamish
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Dan Savage Monogamish
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4.3 out of 5 stars
50 ratings
MPAA rating
:
PG-13 (Parents Strongly Cautioned) Package Dimensions
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7.1 x 5.42 x 0.58 inches; 2.93 Ounces Director
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Tao Ruspoli Media Format
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NTSC Run time
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1 hour and 15 minutes Release date
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February 27, 2018 Actors
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Dan Savage, Esther Perel, Christopher Ryan Studio
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Cargo Film & Releasing ASIN
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B079V992MP Number of discs
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1
4.3 out of 5 stars
50 ratings
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I have watched monogamish FOUR times already. The first time I finished it– only a few weeks ago– I was so enchanted, I immediately watched it again. I found myself taking notes on my phone the entire time! I’ve learned more about myself in an hour watching this film than I did in the 3 year monogamous (and toxic) relationship I recently left. This film has completely changed the way I view relationships, sex, monogamy, comfort, and stability. (The best part is it doesn’t pressure or sell you on any of it, it simply presents all perspectives.) It helped me understand the rollercoaster of emotions and perspectives I’ve undergone the past months with my new found freedom. Finally, a notion I thought I understood clicked in me after watching it– loving without fear. Being taken along on Tao’s journey through conversations with Esther Perel, Dan Savage, and the others immediately helped me understand what I’ve been feeling. Recently dating for the first time in years, and also on the cusp of turning 30 has proven to be an entirely different reality than it was before my previous relationship. I’ve found myself playing catch and release on dates, and it was after watching Monogamish I realized it was the occasional nights of company or sex I desired, not an evening meant to determine whether or not the person in front of me is candidate for a boyfriend or vice versa. It was in moments like those with Dr. Johnson explaining how the person we chose to commit to provides us with safety and security I realized I’m in a place where I feel safest and the most secure alone. I can’t say enough how much of a weight it’s taken off of me in dating and how it’s dismantled the cultural expectations learned throughout my entire life including the societal and reproductive pressures imposed on a woman of 29. I loved when Dan Savage spoke about sex being too unimportant to prioritize it in a marriage, yet so hugely important it shouldn’t be had with anyone else. In just a few short weeks, I’ve ushered 5 of my closest girl friends to watch this film. A few single, one married, one in a relationship solely for security. It has been life changing, for me and for my friends. It’s rare now with us that Monogamish doesn’t come up when talking about sex, dating, or relationships. Just last week over dinner one of the girls from last night and I exchanged our favorite ideas from Monogamish. One of my married friends even admitted she wishes her marriage was Monogamish, but said her husband would never be open to it. I now usher YOU to watch it!! Although, I can’t say I am looking to be in a relationship right now, Monogamish or not, I know that when the moment comes I will be exploring it in a Monogamish way. Until then, I want learn more. Tao has really presented a whole new world to me, vía this honest film, in such a perfect way!
This is a wonderful film on Polyamory and you might learn something about relationships in general. Great interviews and and many perspectives at very least will make you think more deeply about love, marriage, open relationships, and relationships in general. A must for people who are thinking about open relationships and or polyamory. Even useful for people who have cheated on their partners or have been cheated on and gives perspective to human behavior. Also, for people interested in polyamory I highly recommend a book called "The Smart Girls Guide to Polyamory" by Dedeker Winston. It is great for men and women. I am a man and I love that book.
Beautiful depiction of the all-encompassing quest for love. Monogamy vs. Polyamory - the final judgment of a human's search for a full-filling love connection runs deep within us. I highly recommend watching this entertaining documentary.
The director brings in people with all viewpoints and experiences in marriages. It was filmed over 4 years or more. This is the best thing I have watched on polyamory or monogamy. It does not try to sell you on anything.
Not too preachy. Does a good job of showing both sides.
If you have dealt with divorce personally or through loved ones, if you have ever questioned monogamy, if you are a fierce believer and defender of monogamy, if you are a serial dater, if you don't believe in marriage, if you've been happily married for one year or 20+, I recommend you watch this film. I've watched Monogamish several times already, and each time I discover something new about the movie and about myself, plus I never grow tired of the wit, the charm, and the subject matter. The movie succeeds in feeling extremely personal for anyone who watches because, to paraphrase the brilliant Esther Perel, how we reconcile the need for security with the need for passion isn't a problem we solve in our relationships, but a paradox we all have to manage. There are different ways to do that, and the filmmaker manages to present them through wonderful interviews with sex therapists, anthropologists, family members, ordinary couples, artists, and psychologists without pushing any single agenda. Rather, he sets up and questions 'conventional' and 'unconventional' approaches to the universal pursuit for love and partnership in the midst of his own journey of reconciliation. He opens up to us about his fascinating family history as well as his own in such a way that you can't help but put your own guard down and live the adventure with him. And you should! This well-made, inquisitive, and honest film is life changing because it is real, and more people need to watch it!
"Getting divorced because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married because you do..." I have been questioning monogamy for years, questioning why so many of us enter into falling "in love" and ending in disgust. It is so painful. Do we really know what love is? Who can define it? Is it a verb? Are sex and love synonymous? Change and impermanence seem to be the only constant in life, when did we become tied to one size fits all? This documentary gave a full rounded perspective on such a complex subject and I am grateful for a 360. I am still confused as hell, but who really has the answer for these sorts of questions besides ourselves? Xan
While not perfect, this is a great film that makes alot of sense when the facts are laid out. I feel it's missing a few points, with a little more historical context needed but overall great narrative.
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Recovering from a heartbreaking divorce, independent filmmaker and son-of-an-Italian-Prince Tao Ruspoli takes to the road to talk to his relatives, advice columnists, psychologists, historians, anthropologists, artists, philosophers, sex workers, sex therapists, and ordinary couples about love, sex & monogamy in our culture. What he discovers about his very unconventional family, and about the history and psychology of love and marriage leads him to question the ideal of monogamy, and the traditional family values that go with it.
Being in love is like being high, says Roberta Haze, a California-based costume designer sporting purple hair and layers of hoop wearings. That has to transform into love, because that stays. Like snorting coke, it s not a state that you can live in all the time. Roberta is neighbors with the filmmaker Tao Ruspoli, who turned a painful divorce from his wife of ten years into a fascinating and stylish new documentary, Monogamish. The title comes from a term coined by beloved sex and relationships columnist Dan Savage, who appears in the film as a talking head, but also as a benevolent guide for Ruspoli s infectious curiosity. Through his Savage Love column and podcast, which he has been writing since 1991 in Seattle paper The Stranger, Savage has become the most vocal and visible proponent of non-monogamy and non-traditional relationships in the country. Savage, along with other interview subjects Esther Perel, Dossie Easton, and Christopher Ryan, is largely responsible for the recent zeitgeist shift towards non-monogamy and polyamory. With more people flocking to pick up their books, Monogamish could not arrive at a better time. --Indiewire Love and marriage make for rather poor bedfellows in Monogamish, a documentary investigation that questions the way most modern relationships are supposed to function, underscoring why the concept of long-term fidelity may be the worst way to keep your couple going far into the future. Directed by Italian-American filmmaker Tao Ruspoli, who was prompted to pick up his camera after suffering a heartbreaking divorce (from actress Olivia Wilde, with whom he was married for 8 years), the movie provides a thorough expose on conjugal practices both past and present, revealing monogamy to be a rather bogus concept that humankind has espoused for only the last hundred-odd years. It also clearly stacks the deck in favor of open marriages and polyamorous relations, with experts and practitioners preaching the benefits of a love life guided more by natural instincts than current societal norms. --Hollywood Reporter The documentary features authors of books about monogamy. Sex at Dawn was co-written by Christopher Ryan, PhD, and Cacilda Jethá, MD, who did research on different primate species mating behaviors. Esther Perel wrote Mating in Captivity. They talk about the pitfalls of monogamy and while none of them is against it, per se, they point out what an unusual construct it is for people. Despite popular belief in instinct or natural order they argue there s no encoded human way based on the wide diversity of observed behaviors in humanity. Where did marriage originate? One idea explored is that marriage was a control mechanism of men over women, a financial security and stability contract largely driven by the paternalistic, misogynistic culture that relegated man and wife to very specific roles where the entire enterprise was ruled by the male by cultural and financial decree. Civilized, equitable non-monogamy could be a boon for empowering women, handled correctly. Those qualifications are crucial: we ve had unofficial forms of non-monogamy all along. Ruspoli speaks to several people who ve declared themselves incapable of monogamy, having tried and failed, and he himself is now part of a triad with a woman who has a relationship with two men. We also meet some people for whom monogamy is the right life. It turns out, unsurprisingly, as Kinsey discovered in the 50 s, when it comes to human sexuality there just ain t no such thing as normal. --Film Threat
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Tao Ruspoli, Esther Perel, Christopher Ryan, Dan Savage
What It Really Means to Be Monogamish
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I saw a friend a few weeks ago who said he was looking for love, commitment and a “monogamish” relationship with a woman.
“Do you need to clear your throat?” joked another friend. “You mean 'monogamy', right?”
He didn't and he's not alone. The term "monogamish" was first coined a few years ago by relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage, who shared that the arrangement he has with his long-term partner, in which they're committed to each other but can have sex with others, is not just a phenomenon for gay men. Savage asserted that these kind of relationships are happening more and more with straight couples across the country, though many will never talk openly about it.
Today, the idea is becoming even more mainstream as we delay marriage and design our lives according to our needs, wants and values—not just the expectations we follow based on what society or our parents would think.
I spoke with sex therapist Ian Kerner , Ph.D., who has worked with monogamish couples in his private practice in New York City. Kerner says, "We live in a culture where monogamy and sexual exclusivity is pretty much the norm and it takes a lot of planning, collaboration, trust, and communication to go up against that norm. Ironically, the couples who engage in some form of non-monogamy often have a higher degree of trust and are much more anxious around breaches of trust. I've seen this...the slightest variation can be betrayal. They are vigilant about the terms of their (monogamish) agreement."
If you're thinking of having this kind of agreement, Kerner suggests outlining the top principles of what the agreement would be. "I've worked with some couples that approached it like lawyers, with 100-page emails back and forth", he says. "It's really important to agree on some basic principles. Non-monogamy has a wide spectrum. Even couples who agree on non-monogamy don't always agree on the contours of it."
In some cases, one person in the partnership is curious to try being monogamish while their partner is more hesitant and may go along with it since they don't want to lose their S.O. In this situation, it's also essential to outline clear rules and perimeters, and to practice open communication so both people in the relationship feel that their needs are being met. Otherwise, bringing other people into your relationship can erode trust and even cross into cheating territory.
According to Kerner, "Some people go along for the ride if they love their partner. The problem is when the road is unclear and the ride keeps changing, which often happens...."
In most cases, though, Kerner suggests that monogamish couples have the same interest in having this arrangement. He says, "I've worked with couples who had this at the beginning of the relationship and couples who tried to incorporate it somewhere in the middle. My experience is that this works infinitely better when two people are temperamentally suited for it and come into the relationship recognizing that non-monogamy is important to them."
There's a variety of relationships that fall under the "non-monogamy" category, from polyamory, open relationships, swinging, and many other categories in between. It's worth noting that monogamish relationships don't all look the same. Some couples negotiate terms that include "only one night stands" or "when we travel," while others have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.
Kerner adds, "Non-monogamy can mean so many things...usually it's something that focuses more on the sexual options than the emotional options."
Many monogamish couples believe that being in this agreement allows them to fully express themselves sexually, without lying or cheating. Finding a balance between stability and excitement is the great challenge of long-term love, and these couples often feel that they have found a way to have both.
As our life spans expand, the face of marriage and monogamy will expand too. The important thing is not what we're doing in our relationships but that we're on the same page about what we want the relationship to look like.
Andrea Syrtash is a relationship expert and the author of Cheat on Your Husband (With Your Husband) . Follow her @andreasyrtash .
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