Dad Mom And Step Daughter Triangular Relationship
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Dad Mom And Step Daughter Triangular Relationship
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wicked stepmoms: enemy of father-daughter bonds?
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Addiction
Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Eating Disorders
Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
Personal Growth
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Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Relationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
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Child Development
Parenting
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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Posted December 7, 2019
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Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
So you hate your dad’s wife? Well, maybe not so much “hate” her as dislike her. You don’t feel comfortable around her. You don’t trust her. You don’t want to call her your stepmom. Maybe you wonder what your dad sees in her other than making him feel like he hung the moon. The bottom line is that ever since she came into his life, things haven’t been as good between you and your dad. So let’s unpack this. Why do you dislike her? And how can you strengthen your bond with your dad?
Maybe it’s a money thing. Do you think she’s after your dad’s money? Your dad spends too much money on her or on her kids, right? Can you see your future inheritance shrinking? Do you think she is mooching off your dad? Is she driving him into debt? Does she seem so focused on material things, like that engagement ring, that you wonder whether she loves his money more than she loves him?
Then again, maybe it’s not about money. Maybe this is about your mom. You resent the fact that your dad treats his new wife better than he treated your mom. He is more affectionate, more romantic, more attentive and more joyful than he was with your mom. At some level, you resent her because her life is much happier than your mom’s. It’s not fair. On top of that, she and your dad try to make you feel guilty because you’re not interested in becoming close friends with her. You don’t even want to refer to her as your “stepmom.” You’ d rather refer to her as ”my dad’s wife.”
Or maybe you just dislike her because she is always “there.” Always. You no longer spend time alone with your dad because he always invites her along. When you’re texting or talking to him on the phone, she’s there...nearby, eavesdropping. Even when she's not around and you're talking to your dad, he finds a way to start talking about her. She’s “there” between the two of you. She’s like Velcro—always stuck to your dad.
It’s important to note that the most difficult relationship in blended families is between the dad’s wife and his daughter. And a dad’s remarriage has a worse impact on his relationship with his daughter than his relationship with his son. Children are much more accepting of stepfathers than they are of stepmothers. So stepmoms start out with a big disadvantage.
So now what? First, tell your dad how much you miss having time alone with him. Then get out a calendar and choose a date to spend a few hours together—not in his home, but somewhere the two of you can have privacy. Also tell him you’d feel more relaxed and closer to him if his wife was not always around when you two were talking on the phone. Explain to him that these two changes will not only strengthen your father-daughter bond, it will also improve your relationship with his wife.
Second, explain to your dad that at this point in your adult life, you don’t feel the need to work at building a close relationship with his wife or, for that matter, with any other women her age. “I’m glad she makes you so happy, dad. And I’m always going to be cordial to her. But if you want me to feel closer to you and more comfortable around your wife, you need to stop pushing the idea that we two women have to become good friends. Pressuring me is having the opposite effect and making me feel more stressed around you two.” When you and your dad do start spending time alone together, be sure to tell his wife how much you appreciate her understanding how important this is to you. Praise her for “sharing."
Third, you need to come to terms with a few things. Your dad’s money is his money. It’s up to him how to spend it. He’s not your banking machine. And if he is a better husband to his wife than he was to your mom, bravo for him. Building better relationships because we have learned from past mistakes or because we have matured is a good thing. As for your mom, even if she is not happily remarried or not as well off financially as your dad, you need to think twice before blaming or resenting your dad’s wife for your mom’s circumstances.
Step back and take a broader view of your wicked stepmom. Then step up and ask your dad for what you want.
Linda Nielsen, 2019, Father-daughter relationships: Contemporary Research & Issues. Routledge, 2nd edition.
IMPROVING FATHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS: A GUIDE FOR WOMEN & THEIR DADS , June 2020
Linda Nielsen, Ed.D. , is a Professor of Education at Wake Forest University in Winston Salem, NC. She is an expert on father-daughter relationships and on shared physical custody for children with separated parents.
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.
Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
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Terry September 2, 2015 at 9:20 am
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42214 September 2, 2015 at 9:50 pm
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ladybugavenger September 3, 2015 at 12:07 am
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anybody home September 3, 2015 at 11:28 am
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Real Life September 3, 2015 at 9:59 pm
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Dexter September 3, 2015 at 11:48 pm
Dexter September 4, 2015 at 1:22 am
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Terry September 3, 2015 at 7:37 am
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Dexter September 4, 2015 at 8:27 am
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I have been married for a few years to a really great guy and we have five children between us (second marriage for both). My children live with us full-time and his children come and go with visits. My boys get along well with him and like doing outdoor stuff with him.
My teenage daughter gets along well with him most of the time, but there are times when she talks to me privately and cries and tells me that she misses her real dad and that my husband will never be her dad. When she’s in these moods, she avoids him and doesn’t even acknowledge him like she normally would.
Her real dad completely dropped out of her life when she was 10. Now, she’s 16 and hasn’t had any real contact with him. My husband has been more of a father to her in the past three years than her dad ever was.
I get defensive inside because she has no idea how much my husband sacrifices for her
When she talks like this, I get defensive inside because she has no idea how much my husband sacrifices for her and the rest of us compared to her real dad who has done nothing for her. My husband isn’t offended by it and says that he doesn’t take it personally. How should I handle this when she brings this up?
I think it’s great your daughter feels safe enough to share her dilemma. The fact that she’s able to open up about this says a lot about her relationship with you and the kind of environment you’re creating for her. Make sure to let her know how grateful you are that she’s talking with you.
There is an innate longing for her father that doesn’t just go away
Please recognize that her reaction to losing her biological father isn’t a logical response. There is an innate longing for her father that doesn’t just go away by explaining how rotten he’s been. Your husband is smart to not take this personally. It’s not personal. I’m sure he’s a great guy who provides her with a supportive relationship. I’m glad he’s making room for her to miss her dad.
she has a different connection to him. You got to choose him and then un-choose him
The best thing you can do for your daughter is to let her share her sadness about losing her real dad. Let her talk about her feelings, even if it’s painful for you to hear. Remember that her relationship with him is not your relationship with him. She doesn’t have the perspective you have and she has a different connection to him. You got to choose him and then un-choose him after he left your family.
My guess is that she’ll go back and forth like this for some time as she settles into acceptance of her new reality. As she matures and gains more perspective, she’ll be able to respond more maturely to your husband. Give her the space and time to grow into healthier responses.
She’s hurting and permission from you and your husband to have these feelings will go a long way toward her healing.
Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are solely his and not those of St. George News.
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Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2015, all rights reserved.
Geoff Steurer is the co-author of "Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity," host of the Illuminate Podcast and creator of online relationship courses, such as the Trust Building Bootcamp . He is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples who want to rebuild their relationships from crisis to connection. He specializes in working with individuals and couples dealing with the impact of sexual betrayal. He has been married to his wife, Jody, since 1996 and they are the parents of four children. Follow him on Instagram and Facebook . The opinions stated in this article are Steurer's own and may not be representative of St. George News.
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sorry stepdad, i raised my wife’s two daughters, there is nothing you can do but be a friend not a Dad, she has one,
Have her stand in front of the Temple with a sign, “unmarried 16 yr old” Some guy will swoop her up and she’ll be out of your hair.
Your daughter would be disrespectful to her real dad too, if he was around. Don’t let her fool you. She’s a teenager, teenagers are rude. I don’t think she needs a step dad friend. she needs boundaries and rules just like every other teenager.
Not all teenagers are rude. Sounds like you’ve tangled with some bad ones, though.
It’s hard being dexters mom, as you can imagine…one bad apple spoiled the bunch \_(-_-)_/
Just like everyone else here, dexter’s mom is disappointed in him too.
Having a strung out alcoholic for a mother doesn’t help anybody
@42214. That’s your solution?? Musta happened to you??
I agree with Dr. Geoff on this one. The daughter does not have the same anger or angst toward her dad that mom has toward an ex. Since the step-dad, who seems to be a reasonable guy, is not bothered by the behavior, this is more about the mom and her feelings toward the ex than about the daughter. Doesn’t matter what mom says about the ex’s behavior – the daughter has her own feelings about her dad. If mom is bad-mouthing dad to the daughter, it will only make things worse. And yes, I have been there. My girls’ dad, my ex, was not a good father to them, but they loved him anyway. Their connection with his parents was strong, too – grandparents count. Let it go, mom, and let your girl make her way with this. My daughters buried their dad last month. He was their dad.
I see the village idiot stopped by to post another one of his stupid comments he’s so predictable its pathetic
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