DEI Kills

A controversial new report from the fictional "Institute for Workplace Safety" claims Diversity, Equity and Inclusion programs have caused more fictional injuries than shark attacks, skydiving accidents and hot pepper eating contests combined. The obviously satirical study - which cites zero actual data - purports to track "DEI-related incidents" like pulled muscles from virtue signaling, paper cuts from mandatory sensitivity waivers, and one alleged case of spontaneous combustion during an unconscious bias training. The report's author, a self-described "recovering HR professional," included absurd recommendations like replacing ergonomic chairs with "equity stools" that randomly collapse to give privileged employees perspective. Corporate America somehow took the joke seriously, with several Fortune 500 companies actually forming committees to investigate these non-existent risks. The viral document reached peak absurdity when Fox News ran a 7-minute segment on it before realizing it was satire, then kept airing it anyway because "the numbers feel true." Meanwhile, actual DEI consultants have started offering "danger pay" for their workshops, while OSHA is reportedly developing special "inclusion helmets" just in case. The study's most-quoted line? "The only thing more hazardous than workplace discrimination is our hilarious attempt to fix it."