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Key points
Seventy-five percent of adult women say they have received cunnilingus at least once.
The tongue is more gentle than the fingers, making oral sex more enjoyable than other types of stimulation for some women.
The belief that her partner views cunnilingus as a chore can stop a woman from enjoying it.
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Brooklyn, NY
Chicago, IL
Denver, CO
Houston, TX
Los Angeles, CA
New York, NY
Portland, OR
San Diego, CA
San Francisco, CA
Seattle, WA
Washington, DC
Mental Health
Addiction
Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Eating Disorders
Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
Personal Growth
Goal Setting
Happiness
Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Relationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
Family Life
Child Development
Parenting
Talk to Someone
Find a Therapist
Find a Treatment Center
Find a Psychiatrist
Find a Support Group
Find Teletherapy
Trending Topics
Coronavirus Disease 2019
Narcissism
Dementia
Bias
Affective Forecasting
Neuroscience
We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted July 2, 2013
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Reviewed by Lybi Ma
The myth is that men don’t enjoy providing women with oral sex . Actually, many (most?) love it. For many men, this special gift feels deeply intimate and very satisfying. In addition, women are much more likely to have orgasms from oral than intercourse. Cunnilingus is not difficult, but some men are unschooled in the fine points. Here’s how to boost her pleasure and your self-confidence .
“Cunnilingus” comes from the Latin cunnus for vulva, women’s external genitalia, and lingere, to lick. Cunnilingus is popular but less so than many people believe. According to a recent survey by researchers at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute, 75 percent of adult women have received it at least once, with 60 percent of those age 21 to 49 saying they’ve received it during the past year, and 33 percent of women over 50.
Many women feel self-conscious about the aroma and taste of their genitals and spend $150 million a year on douches. Gynecologists deride douching as hygienically unnecessary. Natural cervical mucus keeps the vagina clean, and washing with soap and water keeps the vulva clean and tasting like the mouth during deep kissing.
“If women think their genitals look, smell, or taste unattractive,” says Palo Alto, California, sex therapist Marty Klein, Ph.D., “it’s difficult for men to persuade them otherwise. But I encourage men to say: ‘I love how you look.’ ‘I love how you taste.’ Everyone likes compliments, and over time, she might change her mind.”
Basic cunnilingus involves licking the vulva from the vaginal opening, across the sponge, and up to the clitoris, and possibly inserting the tongue into the vagina. As women become sexually aroused, their outer vaginal lips fill with extra blood, which parts them somewhat, exposing the inner lips and the sensitive tissue between them.
Make sure you both feel comfortable. Lying prone between the woman’s legs might strain your neck or back. You might slip a pillow under her hips to raise her vulva. Or coax her to the side of the bed and kneel on the floor.
The tongue is much softer than the fingers, so it can provide gentler stimulation. “For many women,” explains Fair Oaks, California, sex therapist Louanne Weston, Ph.D., “the gentleness of oral sex is key to its enjoyment.”
Begin slowly—and as gently as you can. Keep checking in until you're confident that you know what she likes. Continue to check in periodically. She might want a change. Some women enjoy a tongue's direct attention , others find it too intense, even off-putting.
Some women feel reluctant to discuss their reactions to oral sex. Instead, they use body language . They might squirm if they find it uncomfortable. Unfortunately, many men don’t realize that she’s writhing in discomfort, thinking she’s actually in the throes of delight. That’s why it’s important to check in verbally.
Some women ejaculate, that is, they produce fluid on orgasm. If this happens during oral sex, many women feel concerned about “squirting” in the man’s face. Some men enjoy this, others don't. Discuss your feelings. There’s no right or wrong, just personal preferences. If she ejaculates, and you have a problem with it, pull back as she approaches orgasm and try manual massage.
After orgasm, many women experience unusual clitoral sensitivity and don’t like to be touched there. This is normal.
Herbenick, D. et al. “Sexual Behavior in the United States: Results from a National Probability Sample of Men and Women Ages 14-94,” Journal of Sexual Medicine (2010) 7(Suppl 5):255.
Michael Castleman, M.A. , is a San Francisco-based journalist. He has written about sexuality for 36 years.
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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Be a Cunnilingus Master: How to Go Down On a Girl
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Depending on your familiarity with the term and the sex act it describes, “cunnilingus” might sound incredibly daunting, or just plain hot.
Cunnilingus is a latin term for oral sex performed on a vagina. Typically, that means on a woman, but it can also be on a non-binary person who was assigned female at birth, or a transgender person with a vagina.
So what does that entail, exactly? Well, like any sex act, it sort of depends on the two people involved.
There are certain actions and moves that are more common, but the important thing is that you and the person you’re going down on are on the same page in terms of what feels good. Things that feel incredible to one person might feel uninteresting — or even painful — to another partner. The only way to know for sure is to talk to each other and try things out.
But in short, cunnilingus is typically focused on one partner licking the other person’s clitoris — or rather, the clitoral head, which is located directly above the vagina. Just in terms of what you can do with your mouth, it can also involve sucking on the clitoris, sucking on or licking the labia minora, or inserting your tongue into your partner’s vaginal opening.
Thought experiment: Imagine a woman rubbing your testicles against her clitoris until she climaxes. Then she turns to you in a post-coital fog of pleasure and says, “Was that good for you, too?”
There’s a pretty good chance that’s never happened to you, but it’s not a completely alien concept to women, many of whom are used to sex being about a guy’s pleasure first and foremost — or in some unfortunate cases, exclusively about the guy’s pleasure. The upshot of that is that the central pleasure location on a woman’s body — the clitoris — still gets ignored by many guys.
To put that in perspective, it would be like if during sex, the glans of your penis never touched any part of your partner’s body. In the testicle-rubbing-clitoris scenario above, you might feel some pleasure; after all, the testicles do have nerve endings and it can be deeply arousing when they’re touched.
Also, you might be turned on just to be naked with another person, and it might be exciting to know that she’s aroused in your presence. But without any stimulation of your penis, you’re almost certainly not going to orgasm, and you’re probably going to be at least a little bit disappointed.
The good news is, making sure your partner doesn’t experience the female version of that scenario isn’t particularly complicated — you just need to start incorporating clitoral stimulation into sex with the same regularity as penetration. And the best way to do that is through oral sex — aka cunnilingus.
It’s all well and good to decide to start engaging in cunnilingus, but without knowing what you’re doing, it can be daunting or, worse, wildly unsuccessful if and when you do start.
To help prevent you from ending up with your head between your partner’s legs, gripped by a deep feeling of panic or confusion, we spoke to some sex experts about the basic tips you should know before you start eating someone out.
As mentioned above, for many people, the main thrust of cunnilingus is licking the clitoral head, which pokes out from under the clitoral hood, just above the vaginal opening. Whether you’re looking for it or feeling for it by touch, finding it is an important first step in performing cunnilingus.
For some people, it’ll be a little bit harder to find, depending on their body type, pubic hair, and the size of their clitoris and hood, but the hunt will be worth it.
Once you’ve located your partner’s clitoris, well, start licking it! There are lots of different ways to lick your partner’s clit — quickly or slowly, using the whole length or your tongue or just the tip; softly or more powerfully.
Here, you should be trying to figure out what your partner likes, so in the early going, it’s worth testing out different licking styles. Often, different techniques will feel good at different times; sometimes a method of licking that feels very good at one moment can be too intense the next, and so forth.
The important thing is to be sensitive to anything your partner says (“Go faster!” or “Ooh! Too hard!”, etc.) and to pay attention to their breathing patterns or moaning.
Often, when you hit a certain rhythm, it’ll be obvious that it’s working even if your partner doesn’t say a word, since sexual arousal is often translated unconsciously into physical responses, like heavier breathing, muscles tensing and back arching, among others.
Would you enjoy oral if you sensed your partner was struggling with the concept of putting your penis anywhere near their mouth? Probably not. Sex is more fun when everyone’s enjoying it — so try to bring that same energy to cunnilingus.
“The more you enjoy yourself, the more your partner will enjoy the experience,” says Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the Drive Her Wild video course. “Your partner may have received negative messages about their genitals growing up (and into adulthood) and while it’s not your job to undo all of the damaging effects, if you show appreciation and admiration for their vulva, it may help them to relax and be more present.”
One part of cunnilingus that sometimes gets overlooked is playing with your partner’s labia minora, colloquially known as “pussy lips.”
“Remember that you can stimulate the internal erectile tissue of the clitoris via the lips,” O’Reilly notes. “Rub, grind and press against the lips on the outside and you’ll likely stimulate the internal clitoral complex.”
This might not be as pleasurable as licking or sucking on the clitoris, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a fun part of the equation, and it’s a good option if you want to throw in some variation here and there.
“Every vulva is different,” says O’Reilly. “What worked for a previous partner may not work for your current partner(s), so don’t make assumptions.”
Kayla Lords, sexpert for JackAndJillAdult.com , agrees. “Not every partner wants oral sex in the same way,” she says. “Even if your previous partner loved that thing you did with your tongue, your next partner could hate it.”
So if assumptions are off the table, how do you know what to do? Simple. You ask. “Ask for feedback and follow their lead and guidance,” says O’Reilly.”
“Always ask what your partner likes. Always,” Lords adds. “Don’t guess or assume. Ask.”
Asking about what your partner likes or wants can seem daunting if you’re not used to it — but it’s a good habit to get into. For starters, caring about your partner’s experience is one of the cornerstones of sexual consent ; second, being able to navigate those conversations, both during sex and outside of the bedroom, will make for better sex for both of you.
You might be focused on what you’re doing — and your partner might be the one making the majority of the noise — but being too quiet can actually be a little bit disconcerting.
“Your lover wants to know that you’re enjoying yourself, so let your sounds emanate without inhibition,” O’Reilly suggests. “Breathe deeply, moan if you like it and allow your sounds of enthusiasm and pleasure to vibrate throughout their body.”
You can also take a moment here and there to talk to your partner — telling them how much you’re enjoying yourself, or how much you like how they taste, or even talking dirty .
You might have pictured all of this occurring in a missionary-style position, with your partner on their back, legs spread, and you lying or kneeling in front of them. But while that is a common and simple way to approach cunnilingus, it’s far from the only way to make it work.
“Cunnilingus can be done in many positions — from the typical missionary style to face-sitting to licking her from the back,” Lords notes. “Feel free to change things up.”
It’s also something that can be done in standing or sitting positions — meaning you can still go down on your partner even if you don’t have a flat surface like a bed or couch to work with.
Unfortunately, sexual education can be pretty spotty — and one area that it’s often significantly lacking is in terms of pleasure.
A lot of the time, the information that you get growing up is more about basic bodily functions, avoiding getting sexually transmitted infections or causing a pregnancy. All of which are important, but none of which will help you understand how to give or receive pleasure.
As a result, lots of the information guys get about cunnilingus is from pop culture or simply word of mouth, and that information is often inaccurate. So let’s debunk some cunnilingus myths real quick:
This one seems to be waning in popularity in recent years — perhaps in part due to an uptick in rap lyrics about cunnilingus — but there are still guys out there who shy away from going down on their partners.
Of course, it’s always possible someone might make fun of you for doing it, but if you go through life putting a fear of what other people will say front and center of your decision-making, you’re not going to have a great time. If you ask me, what’s really embarrassing is refusing to pleasure your sexual partner for antiquated, made-up reasons.
Somehow, the idea that you should write out the different letters of the alphabet on your partner’s clitoris became a bona fide sex myth. That’s not to say that it would necessarily be unpleasant to receive, but it’s not good advice, either.
“Doing the alphabet with your tongue is not universally interesting or good,” Lords says. “Are there some people who might enjoy it? Sure. But most women have no idea what that letter you just did was, nor do they care or why you’re not focusing your attention on the spot we enjoy the most — which is usually the clitoris.”
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