Cumming On Food

Cumming On Food
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In today’s edition of “Huh. So This Is A Thing”: Cooking...with semen. Yes, you read that right. Semen, as in sperm-carrying human ejaculate, is, apparently, the next great ingredient for the adventurous chef. I’ll give you a moment to process this...OK. Bay-area cookbook author Paul "Fotie" Photenhauer has published two books about recipes that use semen . The first, Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes was released in 2008. (I almost wrote “came out in 2008,” but then that seemed too on-the-nose. Evidently, once you start writing about semen-cooking, everything starts sounding dirty.) The description on the back of the book explains,
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food.
Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients -- you will love this cook book!
Photenhauer followed up Natural Harvest with Semenology: The Semen Bartender’s Handbook in 2013, because what semen-laced meal would be complete without a semen-y cocktail, right?
In an interview with SF Weekly , Photenhauer explains that he doesn’t put semen in all his food, saying, "For me, it's more of a fun twist to add to food … It adds a definite personal twist to it.” Anna Roth at SF Weekly spoke to an infectious disease specialist about the health implications of cooking with semen ; he explained that certain STIs, including HIV and CMV (a form of herpes), could be transmitted through raw semen, and added, “If the food is thoroughly cooked, well-cooked , to destroy any life forms in the semen, like any viruses... that would be my first concern.” Photenhauer suggests that people shouldn’t cook with the ejaculate of just anyone , remarking, "I would never eat or drink semen, cooked or otherwise, from someone I wouldn't be willing to have sex with." So, the more you know, right?
And on that note, here are some of Photenhauer’s recipes, for those of you who are...er, interested:
I’ll admit that these recipes make me shudder instinctively, but my general feeling on this is the same as with most sex stuff: If it’s happening between two consenting adults, then who am I to judge? But—again, as with other sexual situations—consent and knowledge are everything. Photenhauer insists to SF Weekly people should not serve these semen recipes to others without their knowledge, saying, "I'm against [people saying], 'Oh, I put semen in their margarita and they didn't know about it.' That's wrong. That's gross and that's wrong." AGREED.

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Mar. 23, 2015, 05:00 PM EDT | Updated Dec. 6, 2017
Everything left in the fridge overnight Coffee Yogurt Jamba Juice Salad, egg Ramen Soup, cream of mushroom Borscht Fries, French Chipotle burrito Gumbo Quinoa Salad, fruit Salad, potato Debra's sandwich (sorry, Deb) Bagel, everything Chipotle burrito bowl Spaghetti with meatballs Pizza, supreme Bouillabaisse Salad, kale Tea Cereal, dry Banana
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Let's be clear: Leaving any bodily fluid in your colleagues' food will get you into trouble in Minnesota, and it's ill-advised.
But at this point, it is unclear what charge you'd be convicted of.
A judge found that John Robert Lind's creepy behavior didn't qualify as criminal sexual conduct -- even though his victim drank the tainted coffee . Minnesota law doesn't cover indirect bodily fluid contact.
In other words, Lind's nondairy creamer doesn't qualify as criminal sexual conduct because he didn't ejaculate directly onto his victim. According to the District Court Judge Patrick Diamond's ruling, "[The charge in part] defines sexual contact as 'the intentional touching with seminal fluid or sperm by the actor of the complainant's body or the clothing covering complainant's body.'"
Luckily, there's a good chance that the law is about to change. Minnesota Bill 889 proposed by Rep. Debra Hilstrom (D-Brooklyn Center) would make "adulteration by bodily fluid" a misdemeanor, tack on a felony if "a person ingests the adulterated substance," and force felony convicts to register as sex offenders:
After Lind got off easy, he was re-charged with indecent exposure, but it remains to be seen whether he'll be convicted on any charges.
"Clearly [in Lind's case], prosecutors thought criminal sexual conduct was the most appropriate charge," Hilstrom told HuffPost Crime. "The defendant confessed, so the facts weren’t in question, but the judge had to ask if the action met the definition."
Hilstrom's bill already passed the public safety committee, and hits the House floor today. Soon, she hopes, the action of applying bodily fluid to your co-workers' food will indeed meet a criminal definition.
But hey! Until the bill is passed or Lind is convicted, the whole thing is a gray area. So we took it upon ourselves to make an important list.
LOOK, WE DON'T CONDONE DOING ANYTHING TO YOUR COLLEAGUES' FOOD, AND YOU SHOULDN'T. IT'S NOT COOL, AND YOU'LL BE ARRESTED, FIRED AND RUINED. THIS LIST IS FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT:
Colleagues' Food You Can (Sort Of, Apparently) Legally Ejaculate On In Minnesota, Ranked

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A group of teenage boys performed a prank so disturbing on their schoolteachers, they have now been charged over the sick act.
A group of teenage boys performed a prank so disturbing, they have been charged.
Seven 14-year-old students were preparing dishes for a cooking competition at school when they decided to prank their teachers by filling crepes with semen.
The dishes were being judged by the teachers who ate the crepes in order to score the boys for a “Global Gourmet” contest.
The alleged assault on the teachers, who were not named, occurred on May 16 at Olentangy Hyatts Middle School in Powell, Ohio.
During an investigations, tests confirmed the food was contaminated, and charges were filed on the boys on Tuesday.
“I believe this is a form of ‘YouTube Flu’ where kids are influenced by dumb pranks they see YouTube ‘celebrities’ do — it is a game of getting views, clicks and likes,” Brad Koffel, a lawyer for four of the accused, told BuzzFeed News .
According to local reports, one of the teens brought a plastic bag filled with his semen to school on the day of the cooking competition before smearing it on top of the crepes prepared by the boys.
It is understood another boy also brought his semen to school in a bag but didn’t end up using it.
The teachers then ate the crepes, not realising they had been tampered with.
At the time of the alleged offence, Delaware County Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman Tracy Whited told the Columbus Dispatch “one student filmed some of it, and the video made its way around the school and fortunately to school administrators”.
But the video emerged after the teachers had eaten the tampered-with dishes.
According to The Sun, the group had also planned to pour urine into barbecue sauce before serving it to four teachers judging the competition.
A third boy blocked the teachers’ view as the other two dripped the semen on the crepe, according to authorities.
Three of the boys have been charged with assault on a teacher, while the other four have been charged with complicity to assault a teacher — including one that has been charged with tampering with evidence for deleting the photos and video.
They will each face a judge in Delaware County Juvenile court over the next three weeks.
A lawyer representing four of the students said in a statement: “Everyone has worked very hard this summer to resolve these cases in a fair manner that takes into account the disgusting nature of this prank, while also balancing the fact that we’re talking about eighth grade boys.
“This is an example of how easily influenced kids are by what they see on YouTube and social media. They are learning an extremely hard lesson. We feel horrible for these teachers.”
According to Mr Koffel, the abhorrent nature of the prank has left “an indelible mark” on the students.
“They’re eighth-grade kids. Psychologically, they clearly are suffering an amount of trauma because of their dumb actions,” he said, as reported in the New York Post .
Mr Koffel also suggested the charges against the teens were too harsh and required prosecutors to prove they had caused physical harm. He did admit, however, the students’ actions caused “psychological harm” to the teachers who ate the tainted crepes, the publication reported.
The high school also released a statement, saying it is “saddened” these charges “are a result of actions that took place at one of our schools”.
“We are aware that charges have been filed in this case and we thank law enforcement for their due diligence,” the statement read.
“Our teachers deserve respect and kindness, and anything less than that is completely unacceptable. We will continue to support law enforcement in every way possible.”
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