Cuckolding

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Cuckolding
August 20, 2021, 7:26 PM · 6 min read
What is Cuckolding and Why Are People So Turned On By It?
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Cuckolding, while it doesn't seem very well-known or talked about, is in fact a very common fantasy among couples. In researching for his book Tell Me What You Want , Justin J. Lehmiller, Ph.D., surveyed 4,175 Americans and found that 26 percent of heterosexual women, 52 percent of heterosexual men, 42 percent of non-heterosexual women, and 66 percent of non-heterosexual men had fantasized about cuckolding . There are even entire subreddits on Reddit devoted to the r/cuckoldcommunity , r/cuckholdstories , and even r/cuckoldpsychology each with tens of thousands of members.
But what does cuckolding mean, exactly?
Here, answers to all your cuckolding questions (plus some you probably didn't even know you had) and advice on how to communicate about cuckolding with your partner(s).
Sit back, relax, and let yourself explore the possibility of a new sexual adventure.
The history of cuckolding can be a bit complicated — but that's exactly why, as a sex educator and relationship therapist , I'm so passionate about educating, breaking stigmas, and empowering people to embrace who they are. (Even the parts of you that you don't even know about yet!)
TBH, I'm not a fan of the internet's official definition of cuckold. But, for the sake of history and continuing to break down heteronormitve stereotypes in our society, let's talk about it.
According to Merriam-Webster , a cuckold is a man whose wife is unfaithful. The wife of an adulterous husband is a cuckquean.
For example: In Hamilton , after it's discovered that Alexander Hamilton himself has been sleeping with another woman, her husband writes to Hamilton saying "uh oh, you made the wrong sucker a cuckold."
Over the years (thank goodness), the term cuckolding has evolved to mean something more along the lines of a fetish or kink in which a person (often called "the cuck") gets turned on by their partner (often called "the cuckoldress") having sex with someone else (often called "the bull"). In many scenarios, the cuck is turned on specifically by watching their partner have sex with someone else.
Of course, like many other words in the realm of sexuality , the exact definition can be up to each couple's interpretation and what each person is happily consenting to (probably after having lengthy discussions about comfort levels).
Nowadays, you could interview several couples who all participate in cuckolding and they could each have different ideas of what cuckolding means to them — that's the magic of communication, experimenting, and the ever-evolving world of sexuality!
If you've never heard of cuckolding or have never entertained the idea of trying it, you may be wondering why so many couples find it incredibly sexy.
For many people, the idea of watching their partner doing sexy things with another human being is beyond exciting. Let me paint you a picture: You get to have sex with your partner on a regular basis and obviously, that's hot! But, rarely do you get to see what it looks like from other angles and what they really look like while having sex. I mean, it's live-action porn, in front of your face, and your partner is the star. (Related: How Might Virtual Reality Porn Affect Sex and Relationships? )
For some people who enjoy voyeurism (enjoying watching people have sex), watching is truly just as thrilling as being in the action (maybe even more). And for those who are exhibitionists (those who enjoy having sex in front of others), this is also a fun way to explore that.
Plus, there can also be some sexy power dynamics at play in a cuckold situation. Often, the bull is in the more dominant role, creating a scene or situation in which both or one of the other people can be submissive .
Depending on the gender of the people involved, cuckolding can also be a wonderful way to explore your sexuality while remaining within an existing relationship. Fun fact: More than 12,000 people search Google for "bi cuckold" every month. (Related: What Bisexuality Means, Doesn't Mean, and How to Know If You're Bi )
And for some people, cuckold humiliation is the main draw; basically, the idea of being cheated on (consensually) brings up feelings of jealously and humiliation that can be a huge turn-on. Humiliation is actually a common fantasy and close relative to dominant-submissive play .
Cuckolding is essentially a container in which lots of different exciting dynamics can happen: compersion (the act of experiencing joy at your partner's pleasure and growth), jealousy (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) , fulfilling a fantasy , power play — the situations are endless.
Now, that you've learned about cuckolding, how do you start? (If you and your partner are interested in experimenting.)
My first suggestion is to talk. This probably sounds obvious, but let me explain.
First, talk about what each of you finds sexy about the idea of cuckolding and why. Then elaborate on the roles each person would be participating in if/when the cuckolding were to happen. This way you're both on the same page and can start envisioning the same fantasy.
Then, take it into the bedroom — but just as the two of you. While you're having sex, talk sexy together about what would be happening right now if you were in a cuckolding situation. Let each person share what they would be doing, what they would want their partner to do, and what the third person would be doing. You might also consider watching some ethical cuckolding porn to get comfier with the idea and see how it could play out. (More here: How to Have a Healthy Threesome )
This is important because it makes it more realistic and it allows you to play out this fantasy together before jumping into anything.
Then, start looking! There are so many sexuality-inclusive apps that couples can use to find a third-party lover to join the fun. Hashtag Open allows couples to make a profile about themselves, what they are looking for, and what they are comfortable with in terms of arrangements. This ensures that people can narrow their search to find the right consenting individuals for cuckolding fun. Feeld is another sex-positive app for couples and singles looking to "date beyond the norm."
A word to the wise: Never "surprise" anyone with cuckolding (or anything sexually for that matter). If someone consents to have sex with you but you're intending to bring them home to your partner...that's definitely not the best approach. Honesty, over-communication, and planning are needed for most sex experiences — and trust me, it makes the sexy time way better when it's worry-free and everyone's boundaries/limits are out in the open! (Related: How to Set Boundaries with Anyone In Your Life )
If there is absolutely anything you take away from this, let it be: communicate, communicate, communicate. Sex is complicated, but it can be less complicated (and far more fun) if you bring all expectations and boundaries out in the open so all parties involved can see them. Then, go have some cuckolding fun.
Rachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T ., (she/her) is a licensed psychotherapist, sex educator, and relationship expert based in New York City. She's an experienced speaker, group facilitator, and writer. She's worked with thousands of humans worldwide to help them scream less and screw more.
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This common fantasy can tap into all sorts of enjoyable dynamics, from power play to exhibitionism.
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State College Centre Daily Times · 1 min read
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Whether you’ve heard the word “cuckold” from English poet and playwright William Shakespeare or from white nationalist punching-bag Richard Spencer , the meaning is usually negative. The term describes a man whose wife has cheated on him, calling into question his masculinity. But a new analysis now casts cuckoldry in a new light, as psychologists who focus on sexuality say that a remarkable number of Americans find pleasure and empowerment by entertaining and engaging in cuckold fantasies.
In an interview with CNN on Thursday, clinical psychologists David Ley, Ph.D. and Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D. , along with sex advice columnist Dan Savage , shared the unexpected findings of a national survey they conducted.
In preparation for Lehmiller’s upcoming book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help Improve Your Sex Life , Lehmiller surveyed thousands of Americans and found that 58 percent of men and about a third of women had fantasies about cuckolding. To be clear, this means they fantasize about their partner having sex with someone else, either while they watch or while they’re somewhere else. This doesn’t mean they’ve followed through on the fantasy, though.
“Men are more likely to fantasize about cuckolding, and they do it more often — but there are a number of women who have these fantasies as well, which points to the need for more research focused on women’s cuckolding desires,” Lehmiller told CNN .
These survey results turn the historical idea of an ashamed, emasculated cuckold on its head. Instead of being something to be embarrassed about, the researchers say that cuckold fantasies can be about sexual liberation and empowerment.
“Overall, our research found that for the most part, cuckolding tends to be a positive fantasy and behavior,” Ley told CNN . “It doesn’t appear to be evidence of disturbance, of an unhealthy relationship, or of disregard for one’s partner.”
A new survey says that cuckolding fantasies are not necessarily about shame or humiliation.
Ever since the term came into being, at least 700 years ago, it’s had a negative connotation. In recent years, though, the term has been taken a step further. Cuckold — “cuck” for short — has taken on a political, racial dimension in the past couple of years. It’s been adopted by the white supremacist alt-right movement to describe conservatives — or “cuckservatives” — who are seen as less strong or “alpha.” The racial component, applied to those who support left-leaning policies that supposedly favor the rights of immigrants and minorities over those of white Americans, implies that a white man would rather his wife have sex with a man of color than protect the rights of white Americans.
In that context, being a cuck is seen as shameful, and even downright un-American. But along with Ley, Lehmiller, and Savage, other prominent voices have arisen to challenge the idea that being a cuckold is something that is disgraceful or negative. Notably, Jill Soloway, creator of the TV shows Transparent and I Love Dick , told Inverse in 2017 that being a cuckold can actually be an enlightened, feminist act since it helps to return sexual power and agency to women:
Let’s humanize the “cuck.” The fact that men duck their heads and say, “no I’m not [a cuck]” is awful, so maybe it’s time to reclaim the word cuck. That’s just a man who allows his wife to be the subject. He allows her to be a full human person who refuses to corroborate the male gaze. The people who use that word are using the imagined gender binary to say there are beautiful women we own, and then there are stupid sluts who we get to talk shit about. If a man allows a woman to name the narrative, suddenly he’s a cuck.
In this way, cuckoldry is less about being emasculated and more about being liberated. The emotional elements are a little more complex than mere desire, though, the way Savage sees it.
“It’s not cuckolding if there isn’t an element of humiliation, degradation or denial,” he told CNN . “Our erotic imaginations have the ability to turn shame lemons into delicious kink lemonade.” As Inverse previously reported in regards to the alleged Donald Trump Pee Tape , humiliation can be sexually arousing, and Savage suggests that this is an essential element of cuckolding fantasies.
The researchers warn, however, that acting on these fantasies is not to be taken lightly. Just because you think it might be hot doesn’t mean you’re emotionally equipped to handle it without sufficient communication.
“We found several personality factors that predict more positive experiences acting on cuckolding fantasies,” Lehmiller told CNN . “For those who have a lot of relationship anxiety or abandonment issues, who lack intimacy and communication, and who aren’t careful, detail-oriented planners, acting on a consensual non-monogamy fantasy could very well be a negative experience.”
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