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Something about the term 69 brings back memories of that health class in middle school or a group of teenagers giggling over "80085" punched into a calculator. (ICYMI, it spells boobs.) And the truth is, the position does have a rep for being awkward on many levels. (I put my what down where ?) And given the fact that it’s a move where your various holes are left particularly vulnerable (your partner’s eyes, mouth, and nose are all up in them), it’s understandable that 69-ing can be nerve-inducing for some.
"Some people love 69ing because there’s an opportunity to give and receive oral sex at the same time," says Luna Matatas , sex educator, and creator of Peg The Patriarchy. "This dual stimulation can feel incredible or it can feel overwhelming." If you're reading this story, however, there's a good chance your thoughts fall into the latter category. I mean, hitting your own O is hard enough when it's just your partner going down on you—but when you have to take care of them simultaneously? Woof.
Still, it's not a totally lost cause. "With kind communication and an open and curious attitude, you can enjoy 69," says Janet Brito , PhD, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist in Honolulu, Hawaii. "The most important thing is to communicate with your partner on how you prefer to be pleasured, and have a good time experimenting with different styles."
Need a little bit of inspiration before you dive in? Here's how to 69 and actually make it sexy, according to experts.
How to 69: Have your partner lie down, flat on their back. Then climb on top, so you're facing away from your partner. Your genitals should be lined up with your partner's mouth, and their genitals should be lined up with yours. Alternatively, try it in a side-by-side position.
The trick to 69ing like a pro is to have fun with it, says board-certified sexologist Debra Laino . Keep it relaxed and sensual. For example, have your partner lie on the bed so that their head is hanging slightly over the edge. Stand on the floor over them, and as you kiss and massage their upper half, slowly crawl your way down their body until you're both in position.
Don't forget: There's plenty more body to explore as you're going down on each other, says Carol Queen, PhD, staff sexologist for Good Vibrations . Not only can your hands pleasure the other hot spots surrounding their nether regions (like their inner thighs and hips), but they can also be put to good use when your mouth needs a breather.
Sensate focus exercises , which require couples to focus on the sensation of being touched, are often used to help people reconnect in the bedroom, says Nan Wise, PhD, a licensed psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, and author of the forthcoming Why Good Sex Matters .
The gist: By focusing on how it feels to be touched in certain ways, the pair has a better understanding of what turns them on, ultimately leading to better sex. Put the concept to use during 69 by focusing deeply on what it feels like to touch and be touched, says Wise. Take a moment to trace your partner's spine, or the curve of their butt, instead of just going after it.
"Giving cunnilingus in this position can be awkward," says Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First and Passionista , no matter how many pillows are involved. Keep a small vibrator handy or tell your partner to stimulate the vulva in addition to tongue action, he suggests.
Matatas says internal sex toys could also maximize pleasure for two vulva-owning partners. "And if you're multi-orgasmic, it's okay to take breaks, slow things down, or provide a different rhythm of stimulation to adjust to your partner's post-orgasmic sensitivity," she says.
A dildo can also work wonders, Matatas says. "Using dildos or internal vibrators can provide a kind of penetrative pleasure that fingers or tongues can’t give in 69." It can also help if you or your partner are feeling a little tired!
Yes, it can be hard to focus on your own orgasm as you're trying to pleasure your partner. If the distraction is seriously interfering with your O game, feel free to take some breaks here and there. Think: intervals, not a marathon!
If you're planning to make the 69 position your main event, the most comfortable way to do so would be for both of you to lie on your side, says Laino. You won't have to worry about muscle strain or limbs landing where they shouldn't, and you can use each other's thighs as a pillow (a thillow, if you will) to keep neck pain to a minimum. Win-win.
Don't get stuck in a rut with your oral sex skills , says Laino. In this context, go-to moves are not your friend. Go slow, go fast, go in circles, go in long strokes, change up the pressure and suction—try and create a unique experience every time. Also important? Having fun with it, Wise says: "The hottest oral sex is when the giving partner is really enjoying the sensations from it themselves."
"Orgasm doesn’t need to be the goal of 69," Matatas says. "Taking the pressure off of it allows the position to be fun and playful. It might be a position that you warm up in and move to another position for orgasm." Hot!
Physical limitations can often become an issue when you’re engaging in an at-times tricky position like 69, Brito says. This includes aspects of 69-ing such as, well, your ability to produce enough saliva to lubricate your partner’s genitals. If you’ve been going at it for a while, you might find yourself having a harder time keeping the area wet on your own. That’s why you should try keeping a flavored lube nearby, Brito recommends, which can keep the pleasure flowing and reduces irritating friction caused by a dry surface.
One of the easiest ways to make an intimate encounter a little hotter when you’re feeling shy is by pulling out all the stops with your outfit. "Wear clothes that make you feel sexy and alive," Brito says, which could be anything from a lingerie getup to your silkiest, comfiest PJs. "Also, clothing items that have easy access are fun, too," Brito adds.
So if you can find a li'l something with an opening around your genitals for seamless 69 access, that could be a major win for upping your game. (Psst... you can check out these best plus-size lingerie brands if you need some inspo.)

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