Crossdressing Son
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Crossdressing Son
Our teenage son cross-dresses in my wife's clothes
An erotic interest in cross-dressing is pretty common and falls within the normative range of human sexual interest and behaviour
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My wife has had some items of clothing go missing over the last few months, which baffled us. A few weeks ago, she went into our 15-year-old son's bedroom to wake him up and thought he was wearing tights and a skirt in bed. While he was at school we discovered a stash of her clothes concealed in his wardrobe: bras, tights, sports bras, swimsuits and sports skirts. We have no idea how to deal with this situation. Doing nothing doesn't feel right and anyway, my wife would like her clothes back.
Relax. An erotic interest in cross-dressing is pretty common and falls within the normative range of human sexual interest and behaviour. Try not to make too much of this and do your best not to make your son feel wicked or ashamed. Be aware that one cannot make any assumptions about his sexual orientation (most male cross-dressers are heterosexual).
I am assuming that your son has never expressed a desire to be female. That would also be fairly common and would similarly require your acceptance – although you might want to consult a transgender specialist. But I imagine this is simply his emerging sexual style, so let him be. Try to have a brief, calm conversation in which you need to be very accepting (at least act it!). Remind him that you love him no matter what, and understand his desire to experiment, but that he needs to purchase his own clothes, rather than use his mother's.
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I walked into my son’s school a few weeks ago to pick him up. He was sitting with all his friends waiting for me by the door and immediately got up when he saw me coming. Clearly, he didn’t want me coming anywhere near his friends. I got the feeling he didn’t want anyone to know he was with me. I was right.
As he got closer, he whispered, “Mom, why do you have to dress like that? Everyone stares at you.”
“No they don’t. They are probably staring at you because you are so handsome,” I told him.
“I blend in. They aren’t staring at me. They are looking at you. Why do you have to wear dresses and high heels?” For the record, I was wearing the outfit below. The nerve, right?
I decided I wanted to try something with my teenage son that day. I asked him if he wanted to dress me for a little while. I told him he could pick out my outfits and I would wear whatever he wanted me to wear as long as he had an open mind and would listen to a few things I had to say about people and the way they choose to dress, so that’s what we did.
I wanted to talk to him more about the subject and why he was feeling the way he was. And by having him choose my clothes for a while I would better understand why he wanted me to wear certain things, and maybe he would understand why I like to dress the way I do and that, really, it shouldn’t affect him as much as it does.
This was his choice for the first day. He picked out a very casual, sporty outfit, and I loved it.
While I dress like this about half the time and like this look, it doesn’t always suit me. Sometimes I feel like dressing up more, so I do. When I asked my son why he picked this out, he said because I “blended in and didn’t look out of place.” In his mind, when I dress up, I look like I don’t belong. If he only knew how many women I saw throughout the day wearing suits and heels maybe he would have a different opinion.
Regardless, I told him nobody should be judged based on how they dress — not even your very embarrassing mother . Most people wear what they are comfortable in, what makes them feel good. It doesn’t matter where it came from because this isn’t how we judge others. We focus on how they make us feel, if they are kind, how they treat people. I told him judging people for what they wear is very transparent, and he will be missing out on a lot in life if he is going to focus on making friends because of what they wear, what they have, or what they look like.
If he is comfortable dressing in a way that makes him feel like he blends in, I think that is great. However, I want him to have the inner confidence to step out of the box if he wants. If he feels like wearing something, even though none of his peers are, I want him to feel like he can.
I also let him know what someone puts on their body isn’t an invitation, for him or anyone else, ever. And he should always take heed on how he looks at people, especially women. There is a way to look at a woman without staring or gawking. No matter how you see her, she deserves respect. I don’t care what she’s wearing.
I also want my son to realize just because I am a mother it doesn’t mean I have to dress a certain way. I loved the outfits he picked for me, and dress like that on my own accord often. But I also love wearing dresses, heels, skinny jeans, and trying out new trends because that is who I am, and who I was long before I became his mother. It’s not my intention to embarrass him. It is my intention to be myself, and him making comments or telling me he doesn’t want to go anywhere with me because of the way I dress is hurtful (as normal as it is).
A few days ago, I discussed these “lessons” I was trying to teach him with a friend and she told me he would “take all these lessons and bake them into a gentleman pie.” I really hope she is right.
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Mariette Pathy Allen has been photographing the transgender and crossdressing community for nearly 40 years. But her career focus started by accident.
Beth and her husband, Rita, near Boston.
It was the last day of Mardi Gras in 1978 and Allen found herself dining alone in her New Orleans hotel for breakfast. A group of crossdressers seated nearby invited Allen to join them. A meal turned into a morning lounging by the pool, where the photographer picked up her camera.
"When I lifted my camera to my eyes, I found myself looking straight into the eyes of a crossdresser who was in the middle of the group," she wrote in an email interview. "As I took the picture, I felt that I wasn't looking at a man or a woman, but the essence of a human being, and I said to myself, 'I have to have this person in my life.'"
Through the 1980s and the decades to follow, Allen, who lives in New York, would crisscross the country, attending conferences, participating in radio and TV shows, and slowly seeking out and getting to know crossdressers, and then transgender people. Allen was not only a photographer, but an advocate for a maligned and misunderstood community.
"Many people I met at that time thought they were the only person in the world that was 'that way,'" Allen said. "Some thought they were crazy and bad, guilty, unworthy. When/if they told their wives, many marriages ended in divorce. There were many debates about telling their children, and if yes, at what age. They lost their church communities if the church knew, and kept everything to do with their jobs secret."
Allen used her lens to reflect a more accurate reality — a positive, beautiful, even celebratory picture of a person who had finally found herself. This was no small task. For Allen to ask crossdressers or trans people to step out so publicly was a matter of trust, which Allen was dedicated to gain.
In 1990, Allen published Transformations: Crossdressers and Those Who Love Them , a photography book documenting her decade of travels within this community and the people she met along the way. "It was the book that crossdressers, and other transgender people, had been looking for all their lives," Allen said. "The only representations of them were in porn shops, or medical papers, where they were presented as people with mental issues."
Dee and Donna, learning line dancing.
Chrysis, veteran, with partner's daughter.
This isn't exhibitionist photography. It's pure documentary and extraordinary in its ordinariness. Indeed, the warmth that emanates from Allen's photographs, particularly during the '80s and '90s, illustrates the mutual affection and respect the photographer and subject had for one another.
"I felt that I had found something valuable to do, as an artist and ally," she said. "I loved being part of a hidden world where I could bring in some sunlight."
Michelle and Betty Ann, Provincetown, Massachusetts.
Kiwi at a coffee shop, New York City.
The 1990s marked the beginning of a new era for gender variant people and Allen was there to document the growing political movement. Her next book, The Gender Frontier , published in 2003, captured this ripe moment in the history of LGBT rights — the evolution of political activism, the growing number of trans youth, as well as the protests and backlash. In 2005, The Gender Frontier won the Lambda Literary Award for best Transgender/GenderQueer book and Allen became unofficially known as the official photographer of the transgendered .
After The Gender Frontier , Allen decided it was time to look outside the U.S. "I was extremely fortunate to be able to travel to Cuba, and be welcomed by transgender women, most of whom are HIV positive street workers," she said. A photography book about that time, called TransCuba , followed in 2014.
And she continues to seek out marginalized trans communities around the world. Her next book on the subject, Transcendents: Spirit Mediums in Burma and Thailand , comes out this fall.
"Gender variant people question gender roles not merely with their minds but with their lives. They confront the issues that most of us keep hidden, but as time passes, their struggles will lead many of us to greater freedom in expressing ourselves," Allen said. "They are teachers and leaders, though unwittingly, of a revolution in the search for identity."
Alison at the Philadelphia Museum of Art.
** Transcendents: Spirit Mediums in Burma and Thailand (Daylight Books) will be released in the fall of 2017. To see more of Mariette Pathy Allen's work or to purchase any of her books, visit her website .**
Michelle and Betty Ann, Provincetown, Massachusetts.
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