Crazy Sex Machine

Crazy Sex Machine
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Jordyn Taylor
Jordyn Taylor is the Deputy Editor of Content at Men's Health.

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No judgement here! The weirder the better, if you ask us.
Variety is the spice of life, and that's as true with your sex toys as it is with anything else. If you always masturbate or have sex with the exact same equipment—say, with the same old Fleshlight or couple's vibrator you've been using for a decade—you might be surprised by how much fun it can be to mix things up with a new product. Perhaps something a little...weird.
"Novelty in all forms (not just new partners) can breed sexual excitement," Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a researcher at the Kinsey Institute and member of the Men's Health advisory board, writes on his blog . "As some evidence of this, research has found that the long-term couples who report having the most intense feelings for each other are those who engage in the most new and exciting activities together."
Which brings us to our list of weird sex toys. Let's get one big thing out of the way first: when it comes to sex, there's no such thing as "weird" in a bad way. Whether you're turned on by spanking or wax play or bondage or whatever , we all have our own fun and unique sexual kinks . As long as what you're doing is legal and consensual, we say: have at it! Think of this as a round-up of out-there sex toys you might not have known existed—and therefore, might be the perfect way to mix things up in the bedroom.
This toy has a lot going on. The rounded handle is also a G-spot vibrator, and the other hand has a "tongue" to simulate oral sex. There's also a suction attachment. "I’d used dozens, if not hundreds, of sex toys throughout my life, but never one like this," Suzannah Weiss wrote when she reviewed the toy for Men's Health .
Her final conclusion? "Even though I still don’t quite understand how these suction cups work or what they’re supposed to add to the experience, I will be using this toy for its tongue function whenever I’m craving oral sex but don’t have a partner available for it. And it’s convenient that, if all that tongue action leaves me in the mood for penetration, all I have to do is flip it over."
When Zachary Zane reviewed the Arcwave Ion for Men's Health , he described the male masturbator as a clit sucker for the tip of your penis. "You let your penis sit in it, pressing against the 'Pleasure Air' technology, which suctions and pulses against the back head of your penis. There’s a plus and minus button so you can increase and decrease the intensity of the suctions."
While he wished the toy focused on more than just the tip, he said the sensation was "novel," at least: "I like the fact that you can pretty much put your dick in there, not do anything except strengthen your grip so there’s more pressure, and you’ll orgasm. Whether on purpose or not, the toy edges you because it’s only focusing on one section of your penis. Since it edges you, you end up orgasming hard. That’s a definite pro."
Have you ever wanted to turn your balls into a dildo? Whether your answer was "hell yeah," "absolutely not," or "BEEP BEEP BRAIN DOES NOT COMPUTE," just know that the possibility exists in the form of the Balldo. For what it's worth, the testicles are highly sensitive ( it's the reason feels good when someone licks or sucks your balls ) so maybe you'd enjoy the sensation of having them be the star of the show during penetration—especially if you're into ball worship.
It may not be the cutest contraption, but it is a blowjob machine that used artificial intelligence to analyze thousands of BJ videos and replicate the most common techniques, so let's give it some credit. When Zachary Zane reviewed the toy for Men's Health , he described the AI function as "fucking amazing."
"It’s like if you’ve ever got a blowjob from someone who’s able to deep-throat, apply ample amounts of pressure with their lips, and bob up and down at a rapid speed," he wrote. "You orgasm quickly, and it’s good, but when you’ve finished, you’re like, 'Wait, that was too good.' That’s because it ends as quickly as it starts without any build."
This vibrator may look weird, but the concept is actually genius. The trouble with most rabbit vibrators—i.e. vibrators that stimulate internally and externally at the same time—is that the two arms don't always align with the user's anatomy. The Snail Vibe solves that problem with a clit stimulator that unfurls as you insert the toy. No matter how deep you insert that nub on the far left, the curly vibe on top will always be resting on the external portion of your clit.
If you're looking for something discreet, this little vibe is disguised as a tube of lipstick. "In a sea of novelty vibes, this one takes the cake," one Babeland reviewer wrote. "You would think that something like this would feel super cheap, but to my surprise it actually packs a punch!"
There's your run-of-the-mill phallic-shaped dildo...and then there's this, a 6-inch glass beauty shaped like a freakin' squid tentacle. An affinity for tentacle porn isn't required to enjoy the ribbing and nubs on this toy. (Bonus: put it in the freezer first for some ice-cold temperature play .)
This toolkit that lets you make a glow-in-the-dark vibrator in the shape of your own penis isn't just a sex toy—it's a whole date night activity that you'll probably talk about for years to come.
Speaking of glow-in-the-dark sex toys, here's a neon blue option for something a little different than your go-to flesh-toned toy. If you're doing it with the lights off, there's something sexy (in a sensory deprivation way) about not being able to see anything besides the glowing phallus headed your way.
Some dildos are shaped like a dick, but this one's shaped like a hand—specifically, the hand of porn performer Belladonna. If fisting has always been a fantasy of yours, this dildo is a great way to experiment.
The hot-pink rabbit's tail adds a fun, new twist on the classic butt plug. Don't forget the lube !
Sex doesn't have to be serious. In fact, laughing in bed with your partner can help you both feel more comfortable—and that's exactly what'll happen when you whip out this pickle-shaped vibrator.
We couldn't talk about funny sex toys without also drawing your attention to this suction toy shaped like a chicken with a really big butt. Think of it like an adult rubber ducky—it's waterproof, so you can bring it in the bath.
The Venus Butterfly is also the name of one of our favorite sex positions for pleasuring anyone with a vulva, and guess what? You can use this Venus Butterfly for that Venus Butterfly. The receiver can strap on this hands-free vibe while their partner adds in some internal stimulation.
Everyone remembers their first oral sex session with a vibrating tongue ring.*
*Not an actual saying, but...it's probably true?
Satisfyer is one of the biggest names in the suction game. Most of their clit-sucking toys do not resemble cute animals, however, this one is shaped like a penguin in a bowtie, and we're here for it.
What a time to be alive. You can just click a few buttons and become the proud new owner of a sex toy that's essentially a spinning wheel of fake tongues, designed to simulate the sensation of oral sex on a vulva.
Is it a wind chime or a cock ring? (Answer: it's the latter.) This cock ring is working overtime to bring you as many sexy sensations as possible, including a tight grip around the shaft, vibrations from the attached bullet vibe, and the swinging of small steel balls that'll hit both partners' junk during sex.
Here's another toy that truuuly does it all. This three-pronged vibrator has a phallic-shaped arm for vaginal penetration, an anal bead arm for booty play, and rabbit ears for clitoral stimulation.
This ain't your typical masturbation sleeve. This one is molded after the mouth and lips of porn performer Sasha Gray, so it's just—or, well, sort of—if you really use your imagination—like she's giving you a BJ.
The future is now. And by "future," we of course mean "the ability to make your masturbation sleeve feel even more realistic by applying a warming lubricant to the inside."
Unleash your inner wolf with this matching butt plug tail and furry ear set.
We're gonna go ahead and guess that most of you don't keep a full-on sex machine in your bedside drawer. The classic saddle comes with a series of attachments for internal and external stimulation as you ride your way into Pleasure Town.
You've heard about sex swings that hang from the ceiling or fit over the door, but how about this one that hangs off your own body? Be warned: it might take some trial and error to figure out the body mechanics, but you'll probably have fun along the way.
Did you think that blue section was just a really nice hand grip for the flogger? Think again: it's a dildo!
Visually, it might remind you of those wax lips you got from the candy store as a kid. Practically, it's like a ball gag , except it forces the wearer's mouth to stay open.

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Well, about Yuzuru Hanyu, although the result has not been good this time,
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Seal Crazy - James Brown Sex Machine Mashup

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Måneskin feat Nirvana, Smell like a Supermodel
Shakatak feat. Phil Collins - Down On The Street vs I Can't Dance
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Seal Crazy - James Brown Sex Machine Mashup

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