Crapping In The Woods
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This summer I had to take a dump in the Canadian wilderness. It was the one unlucky day I didn’t have toilet paper and had to use moss, which is a pretty decent alternative. Before using moss, though, I experimented with other natural and GMO-free toilet papers, being the curious person I am. First on the list: moist maple-style leaves which I thought would act as excellent Canadian wet wipes. For lack of better words, they did a crappy job and my behinds still needed some polishing.
Next, I used lily pads found by the shore (I was in the middle of a knee-deep grass peninsula) and I started feeling pretty accomplished because they were large and circular and looked like they could cover and wipe a butt the size of Texas, which I obviously boast. Turns out, they were the same as the leaves–useless.
Now, I started getting a little desperate, and the mosquitoes and flies weren’t helping. On top of that, the used leaves blended into the other ground leaves when I was done with them so I couldn’t really tell which one was which. Our trip guide always praised the moss that grew all over the granite rocks as a choice, but I was kinda sketched out by the possibility of a worm or some other bug hiding underneath it while I was putting in the dirty work. But, at this point, I had no other choice, so I reached down to the soggy soil and yanked off a brick of fresh green moss. It was a little abrasive but worked like a charm—all it took was one little credit card swipe and I checked out.
Words of wisdom: always use toilet paper when dropping logs in the woods, unelss you’re lost—then you’ve got more than one crappy situation.
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Disclaimer: If facilities exist, use facilities in the area. Pooping on a toilet is ALWAYS better than pooping in the woods.
Having spent many years interior canoeing in the wilderness, and cleaning campsites for the parks, I have come across some pretty disgusting ‘piles’ in the woods. This article explains the best way on how to shit in the woods .
When you’re looking for a ‘location’ make sure that you’re at least 150 feet from trails or water (further is better). Remember, this is water that you drink from. Also, make sure you watch for other ‘landmines’, these are usually marked with a cross made with sticks, or a stick straight out of the ground. So, if you see some perfect turf to dig, look first for a cross or a stick coming out from the ground. This is other campers warning you: Beware!
Now that you’ve found your spot, you need to dig. You’re probably pretty desperate at this point, because you’re in the woods and looking for somewhere to dig a hole to shit in the woods, so dig the hole at least 4-6 inches deep setting aside your dirt in a pile to cover later, and deeper if possible and always bigger than you think you’ll need. Trust me, you’ll thank me later.
Your shovel is never supposed to get dirty with anything but good clean dirt.
Now, you’re all prepared, so, how to tackle this problem?
How to shit in the woods : Positions
• Lean against a tree- this will help your legs to prevent them from cramping.
• Hold onto a tree- like a koala bear, hold onto the tree and lean over the hole you’ve dug.
• Buddy system- if you’ve brought a buddy in for moral support and pair pooping, both hold hands, or lean against each other and make sure you hold on and don’t let go.
• Find a log to sit on- if you’ve been very pro-active, you located your hole behind a log tht you can sit on. This can be quite nice, however, these logs have often had other people who thought the same thing, so make sure you dug dirt and not something else!
• Squat- This is the simplest, however it can cause leg cramps if you take a long time to poop. So make sure that you really have to poop before you use this technique to speed up the process.
Now that you’ve done your deed, fully bury the poop with the dirt you set aside earlier.
Put a cross or stake into your pile to warn other poopers of your pile.
DO NOT BURY the toilet paper. I cannot stress this enough.
I know that a lot of people recommend to bury it, and that it will decompose, it is paper after all… however, I have seen lots of toilet paper that hasn’t decomposed and looks gross, sticking out of a dirt pile and once, I even saw a little red squirrel running with a toilet paper strand in it’s mouth to use in it’s nest. EWW. I have a better trick, keep reading…
First trick- use a paper bag, and collect all toilet paper of the day in it, and burn it in the campfire at the end of the day. Good idea, but, it’s grossness near dinner.
A Poop Can!
the perfect necessity for how to shit in the woods .
All you need is: a large empty soup can, a lighter.
Before you go camping, get a medium sized can, and puncture about 5 holes along the bottom edge, holes, like when you want to pour tomato juice out of a can. Have 5 of these ‘holes’ along the closed bottom edge.
Before you poop, collect a few pine needles and put in the bottom of the can.
After you poop, put your toilet paper in the can.
Then, put the lighter or match into one of the bottom holes and let your toilet paper burn safely in a can, while your can is on a rock (so not to light a fire).
Everyone wins, you don’t have to carry poopy toilet paper out of the woods, the woods don’t have piles of white toilet paper litter, and the animals don’t attempt to use it to make their nests!
I hope this helps you have a better pooping experience!
Plus, now you really know how to shit in the woods !
Disclaimer: If facilities exist, use facilities in the area. Pooping on a toilet is ALWAYS better than pooping in the woods.
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