Couples Dominance And Submission

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Disclaimer: this article will be confined to a largely heteronormative account of dominance and submission because, as the author, I have extremely limited experience of other forms. As it’s always unwise to write about things of which one knows little, I prefer to write about those things of which I do have moderate or even extensive knowledge. For accounts of dominance and submission between same-sex partners, or between partners who gravitate toward role-reversal or gender fluidity, I’m sure there are many articles circulating on the Internet that can provide valuable insight and the reader, if curious about such things, is encouraged to seek them out.
Main Article: thanks to the Internet, far more people these days have heard about dominance and submission, often in the context of BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Masochism), than was the case thirty years ago when it was very much an underground taste. The enormous success of the execrable 50 Shades books testified to the widespread appeal of this dynamic, while unfortunately spreading entirely unrealistic notions of what dominance and submission really are.
Back in 1957 another book was published and, over the course of many years, became a cult classic: Histoire d’O. This novel, for the most part well-crafted, depicts the journey of a young woman from a normal Parisienne life into one of complete submission to a dominant older man. Yet it too is very far from being a realistic account of the dynamic, because O herself seems to exist only for self-abnegation. In real life, every human being has emotional needs as well as erotic desires, and only the very damaged can regard themselves as nothing more than three holes permanently available for other people’s pleasure.
Although the acronym BDSM is often a useful shorthand, the fact is that some people are submissive without being masochistic. Likewise, others enjoy the stimulus of pain without being submissive. Furthermore, there are many who only feel comfortable exploring their desires in the context of “scenes” in which practically every detail is agreed in advance, much in the way a dance is choreographed. Under such circumstances the notion of submission becomes highly ambiguous. We see a woman bound to a table and on the receiving end of a man wielding a whip. Apparently she’s submitting and he’s dominating. But when we realize she’s the one who’s structured the scene and he’s the one acting out her desires, we can be far less certain of the real dynamic in operation.
The core of a dominant/submissive relationship (henceforth D/s for the sake of brevity) is the surrender of power on one side and the assumption of control on the other. Necessarily, as we’re dealing with human emotions, this is a very delicate business. Ideally the submissive gains emotional satisfaction from, and is aroused by, the surrender of her autonomy. Ideally the dominant gains satisfaction from the obedience of the submissive and uses her obedience to extend her sexuality into previously unvisited areas. But it’s clear that this dynamic has plenty of potential to go awry. Far too many supposedly dominant men are in reality compensating for personal inadequacies and their dominance can easily become nothing more than abuse. Likewise, many supposedly submissive women are in reality looking to hand over responsibility for aspects of their lives they feel unable to manage for themselves. In such cases the dynamic can rapidly become destructive rather than constructive, and be imprisoning rather than liberating.
The surprising thing, for those unfamiliar with dominance and submission, is that submission can lead to liberation. In fact, personally, I’d argue this is its greatest appeal. By submitting to the dominant male, the female is freed to explore and extend her sexuality without guilt and without the lures of hesitation or prevarication. But for this to be true, it’s evident that the dominant male must above all else place her interests to the fore. While submission requires a significant mental and emotional commitment, dominance requires a far greater expenditure of intellectual and emotional energy. This is because the dominant must constantly be alert to the submissive’s reactions, thoughts, and feelings, so as to calibrate and adjust his requirements of her to match her present abilities as well as natural proclivities. When a dominant makes his submissive do something that runs against her deepest inclinations, or for which she’s not yet ready, it can border on abuse. While everyone is human, and so both dominant and submissive will inevitably make honest mistakes, a regular pattern of over-demanding can ultimately harm the submissive.
This is a particular danger for inexperienced submissives. How, without prior knowledge of such a dynamic, can a woman know whether or not her dominant partner is pushing her too far or simply helping her to move past unnecessary prior boundaries? Too many women, early in their erotic explorations, fall prey to men who are basically assholes. There are some tell-tale warning signs. For example, if the dominant begins to restrict whom she can see and what she can do, that’s a huge red flag signaling the man’s insecurities. Likewise for dominants, if the submissive seems willing to do what is asked of her but more often than not fails to follow through because of supposed external obstacles, this is likewise a warning sign. In general, people who truly want to do something will look for ways to overcome impediments, while people who have aspirations but lack capability will see impediments as the reason they’re not doing something. This is no different from when people imagine that one day, when all the various obstacles supposedly precluding attainment of their goal have magically been cleared from their path, they will take up exercise and lose weight. But today, alas, life has just put too many barriers in the way for it to be possible. But one day…
In the end, the only firm guidelines one can offer is to say that each person should trust their instincts. If something feels deeply wrong (as opposed to scary because it’s new and unknown) then it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. Going through with something unpleasant in order to prove what a good submissive one is, will rarely lead to long-term positive outcomes even if the submissive receives praise at the time of the experience itself. No one should attempt to twist themselves out of shape to conform to someone else’s idea of what they should be — and this is as true of dominants as it is of submissives.
It is, inevitably, as difficult for a true submissive to find a true dominant as vice-versa. Patience, humor, and empathy are all required in order to sustain oneself during what may be a very long and often frustrating search.
Assuming a natural dominant and a natural submissive find each other, what can this look like? In a constructive relationship, the dominant takes care to understand the inner workings of the submissive so that his commands increasingly resonate with her erotic nature — even if, at first, she herself has been largely unaware of these latent desires. A good dominant will move step-by-step, assessing her reaction to each stage before deciding which way to proceed, rather than pushing her into acts for which she is not yet prepared. Although some women respond well to the “break her in without mercy” approach, most will simply be hurt by such an all-in approach from the outset. Yet at the same time, the dominant should always be pushing his submissive just the right amount to keep her moving forward. It’s a delicate business, and both partners need to be tolerant of the inevitable occasional mistake.
It should be clear from the above that the role of a good dominant male is very far from simply issuing commands and using the submissive for sexual gratification. A good D/s relationship will be far more intimate than any conventional bond because it relies on trust and extensive honest communication. It requires each person to expend the effort necessary to really get inside the other’s head, and act in ways that will nurture the other person far beyond anything experienced in a traditional “vanilla” relationship. There is a great deal of emotional bravery required to enter into a D/s relationship and a great deal of self-control required to ensure that neither person uses the dynamic to abuse or negatively manipulate the other.
For many dominant men, the greatest satisfaction comes from knowing that the submissive’s obedience is based on enduring love, affection, and respect. Being able to issue a command and have it obeyed because the submissive truly wants to obey, is a pleasure few ever experience. And for the submissive, obedience to a command (no matter how difficult it may be) can be the most profound demonstration of love coupled to a fulfillment of her deepest erotic instincts.
My personal belief is that the best form of dominance is, perhaps surprisingly, almost selfless. While many men simply want to have a willing sex partner at their beck and call, a deeper satisfaction comes from seeing one’s submissive partner blossom through new experiences — even if they don’t involve the dominant male directly. With care and a certain amount of good fortune, D/s can be a path to sexual liberation; but for this to be true, the dominant has to act in the submissive’s best interests, not simply in pursuit of his own desires.
A few examples, drawn from my personal experience, may help illustrate what I mean.
Many years ago I had a partner whose sexual appetite was (like mine) much higher than normal but due to circumstance her erotic ideas were very circumscribed. Eventually, however, we added another male to the mix and the results were explosive. My partner discovered that being double-penetrated was not only physically delightful but also emotionally liberating. This form of sex quickly became her favorite thing to do and we ended up with several likeminded males who joined us on a regular basis.
A different partner had occasionally thought about being with another woman, but didn’t feel capable of having another woman join us due to jealousy driven by her fears and insecurities. So I instructed her to seek out a compatible woman with whom to have sex without me being present. It took a few weeks, but finally she found a woman eager to get into bed with her and, somewhat to my partner’s surprise, she enjoyed the experience so much that the two of them didn’t get out of bed (except to use the toilet, and drink water) for an entire day. A few more such experiences led her to crave being with a man and a woman at the same time, but her insecurities meant that she had to seek out other couples in order to fulfill her desires. It was never possible for us as a couple to bring another woman into the mix. So in this instance, my instructions for her to seek out couples to play with freed her from guilt and enabled her to experience great physical and emotional satisfaction while protecting her from her own psychological limitations.
It should be clear from the above account that dominance can be, despite outward appearances, a form of nurturing that is sometimes almost entirely selfless.
When it works well, a D/s relationship generally delivers a great deal more sexual and emotional satisfaction than traditional relationships. Whereas in a traditional relationship the two people will come home, complain about work over a hasty dinner, and then complain about work some more while watching an unrewarding entertainment on a shining screen, and then go to bed exhausted so that sex is at best an afterthought rarely acted upon, a D/s couple will tend to prioritize their erotic life and create structures that result in far more frequent and far more gratifying interactions. For the D/s couple, sexual activity is not an afterthought but a core focus of their relationship and the D/s dynamic creates structure that ensures this intimacy is placed to the forefront rather than perpetually ending up neglected. And whereas in most traditional relationships each person hides their deepest fantasies and desires so as to avoid being judged, in a D/s relationship these desires and fantasies are explicitly brought to the forefront and used for mutual benefit.
D/s relationships can also, potentially, lessen the strains of being apart. The dominant can instruct his submissive to have sex with other men, thus intentionally creating an erotic tension in the relationship that can strengthen and enhance it. She benefits from having a sexual outlet and he benefits from the fact of her submission and from later giving him all the intimate details. Likewise, if she is emotionally mature enough, she can enjoy her own pangs of envy-tinged arousal when listening to his descriptions of any encounters he may experience himself.
This is, by the way, very far from the “cuckold experience” in which some men derive pleasure from being humiliated by seeing a more physically adequate male possess their partner. In a D/s relationship the man has no sense of personal inadequacy and no desire to be humiliated; rather he uses other men as his surrogates and his submissive partner understands this, and thus does everything she can to please the men with whom she has sex because she knows this will greatly please her dominant partner. Likewise, if she has sufficient emotional maturity, she will relish seeing her partner enjoying another woman and will seek to please the other woman as a way of thanking her for giving pleasure to her partner.
It should be clear that a good D/s relationship is subtle and deeply intimate. We are far from clichés involving collars and leather and chains. Instead, we are talking about an inter-connectedness that few couples imagine possible, far less experience.
D/s relationships can also permit the couple to take the normal stresses, strains, and aggravations of ordinary life and transmute them into positive outcomes rather than simply lashing out unconsciously at each other or carrying silent resentments. By creating formal structures in which the partners consciously relieve such tensions they can be both defused and turned into opportunities for greater connectedness.
These reasons, and many others besides, are why D/s relationships can be so deeply rewarding for those who possess both the emotional maturity and the natural (even if originally unexpected) inclination. There are a great many risks and yet there are also a great many rewards. Life can never be like a novel, in which the problems of quotidian life are miraculously brushed aside; but life can be far more rewarding and satisfying than is typically the case when both partners care deeply about each other, take the trouble to understand each other, and agree to dance together in this particular kind of tango.
D/s is not for most people, just as skydiving or daily strenuous exercise or eating healthy foods is not for most people. This article should not be taken as an encouragement to try out a D/s relationship if, deep down, you’re appalled by the idea or sufficiently fearful as to render it an implausible path to personal growth.
But if you find yourself turned on by the idea of commanding your partner, or by the idea of being so commanded, it may be worth exploring. Because, in the end, if we have the potential to create amazing fireworks together, it would be a shame if we never dared to light the fuse.
Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

The Beginners Guide to Dominance and Submission
Note: In this chapter, and henceforth, I will be referring to Masters and Doms as Doms. Likewise, slaves and subs will be called subs.
In order for any venture to be successful, there must be basic guidelines. I understand that every couple is different, and no two D/s relationships are the same. Nevertheless, basic agreements exists, or else you go outside the boundaries of what is considered a D/s relationship. Every couple will have their own set of agreements, however, I feel there are some that are universal.

1. No actual injury should occur to the sub. That does not suggest that spankings, discipline and correction do not occur, they just are not calculated to produce real injury, either to body or mind. In D/s, pain is sometimes used to correct behavior, or as a pleasurable experience depending on the people involved. It is not the central focus of the relationship.
2. Pre-agreed limits. It is simply an agreement on what the Dom and sub will and will not do. These limits are different for all couples. A pre-agreed limit is simply the boundaries established by the relationship. As an example, some couples put a limit on other people joining them for a scene. It is important to discuss honestly with each other what your personal limits are before beginning a D/s relationship. These are lines that are not crossed without at least some discussion beforehand. These boundaries do change with time as the relationship progresses.
3. The sub should have a "safeword", or something they can say to halt the present time activity. The safeword is a word that is understood by both parties to mean that action needs to stop. It could be that the sub is in great pain, or the Dom wants to clarify a situation outside of the action he is engaged in. Usually, it is that a line is being crossed that was not discussed in the pre-agreed limits, but just now came up. D/s is supposed to be enjoyed by both parties. Limits and safewords are type of guarantee that things don't get out of control on either side. If the couple are in the middle of a caning, and the sub is having a problem with the situation, the safeword is used to stop the action. When the safeword is spoken, the action must stop at that moment. This will allow the Dom and sub to discuss what the problem is, or correct a painful or dangerous situation outside the "scene".
Communication between the Dom and sub is crucial to a successful D/s relationship. The sub must be willing to talk about their feelings and the Dom must be receptive. The Dom also must be conscious of the non-verbal cues the sub gives. For a satisfying D/s relationship, it helps to have an underlying affinity for the other partner. The Dom is attempting to perfect their sub to their ideal of what the sub should be. The sub must want that goal, too. If either of these points do not exist, the D/s can degrade into an abusive relationship, or the partners go off, dissatisfied. D/s is for the mutual enjoyment of both partners. Limits and safewords assist in ensuring both parties experience pleasure, and neither gives up all control.
Over time the use of saf
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