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I’m watching a Silicon Valley CEO being led around the room on a leash. His wife is in the next room, where a jewellery designer is getting comfortable with three men who definitely aren’t her husband. I’m part of the LA swinging community and at these parties, anything goes. For a few hours everyone can forget the stresses of juggling normal life and live judgement free. There are couples who’ve come together and some who’ve come alone (though always with their partner’s approval). That was the appeal for me - the ability to explore your sexuality whilst also maintaining an open, trusting relationship .
How did I get here? When I was 25 I was cheated on. I’d always been a very jealous person, particularly in relationships. I’d go snooping through my partner’s cupboards and scroll through their phone looking for things that I didn’t want to find, but found anyway. I hated being this type of person and when my relationship broke down, I swore to myself that I’d never let sex be the thing that ended a relationship. It seemed that the universe agreed, and around time I decided to keep sex and emotions separate, I was introduced to the deliciously freeing world of swinging.
I was living in LA when a married couple, Anna* and Pete, took me under their wing. Most Sunday’s Anna and Pete hosted lunch at their house, these were fairly boozy affairs but I always left at a reasonable hour. I knew that most of the other guests stayed the night but I’d never really thought much of it until one Sunday Anna let me in on the secret. We were gossiping in the loo and before I knew it, Anna was kissing me. I’d hooked up with women before but Anna was married - to my friend! It turned out that the cosy Sunday lunches were just the starter for an even cosier evening of partner swapping. All of these married couples with respectable jobs – lawyers, doctors and tech gurus – were having weekly orgies and then heading off in the morning to drop their kids at school. Jobs with long hours or a lot of travelling made it easy to explain nightly absences and for the Average Joes, getting home to pay the babysitter was part of the thrill. I’d stumbled into a community where sexual freedom and emotional monogamy (everyone here was happily married and also happily sleeping with other people) co-existed and it looked pretty great to me.
I started to regularly hook up with Anna and her friends and had my eyes truly opened to the world of swinging. The parties were every bit as hedonistic as you’d imagine; alcohol fuelled, encouraging anything from bondage to group sex . I enjoyed the community single and carefree for years, until I met Joey. He was a party boy who had never been in a serious relationship before, so I decided to test the waters of being in an open relationship. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, so we laid down ground rules to ensure that trust and open communication were at the foundation of our relationship. Casual hook ups were fine but you couldn’t swap numbers or speak to that person again. If we went out together, we went home together. And you definitely couldn’t sleep with somebody that we both knew. That was 12 years ago, we’ve been married for seven and our ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy is going strong to this day.
Sleeping with other people allows us to get our kicks that the other isn’t into
From the outside we live a pretty wholesome existence, now in Ibiza. When we’re not working (I’m a therapist specialising in post trauma care and Joey is a web developer) we spend our days hiking, swimming, practising yoga and foraging for fresh food. Oh, and we have two great kids.
While there have certainly been testing times, like when I thought I caught feelings for the local bar tender and when I heard a rumour that he’d tried to suck a friend of mine’s toes at a party, for the most part this arrangement has worked amazingly for us. We have a loving, honest relationship and sleeping with other people allows us both to get our kicks that the other isn’t really into. For me, knowing that I have this option to escape my normal life is, or certainly was, a really important outlet for me. Until recently, the kids have never held us back.
We got involved with the local swinging scene soon after we arrived on the island - when you know you know – and as it’s a much more tight-knit community than in LA, there’s more social interaction between the couples. I’ve been at a BBQ on the beach and my husband and another dad have kissed when the kids weren’t looking. It’s not unusual to find your foot being massaged under the table at a family-friendly dinner. But these are specific friends for specific purposes. I have a whole other circle who have absolutely no idea what we get up to.
If we go out together, we go home together
As the kids grow up, I’ve become less and less interested in going to the sex parties while Joey’s interest has rocketed. I’m starting to worry that the more he goes out, the more likely it is that people we know from school, our jobs and our social lives may start to put the dots together and suspect that we don’t have what most people would consider a ‘regular’ marriage. I don’t want to be the subject of island gossip or for people not to recommend me for work because of my extra marital preferences. But I made a promise to myself that I’d always be in an open relationship, so even though it makes me nervous that he’s playing around so close to home it’s something I have to live with.
If the mums at the school gate knew the truth about our relationship I’m not sure they’d be so keen on play dates. I hope in the future that ‘openness’ will be less taboo and I won’t have to feel guilty about my life choice, but for now, I’m keeping my swinging hobby firmly under wraps. Unless, of course, you’re interested?
*The names in this article have been changed
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Posted on April 11, 2019
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They hide among us, they look, sound, and act just like us, and they’re nearly impossible to spot until they’re right up on you: I’m talking about swingers, of course. Swinging is an interesting lifestyle that couples turn to for a variety of reasons . I try not to judge it, but perhaps I’m a little critical of it. I guess I’ve never quite understood the appeal of it—why not just be single? If you don’t want to be with one person? Well, anyways, I’ve hypothesized about swingers in other posts, but this one is about this awkward situation: when your friends are swingers, and they want to swing with you. It’s not completely shocking that swingers would look to their friends as potential partners. There’s already obviously some form of chemistry there. I’ve also found that swingers tend to believe there are more of them out there than there are, and often think if another couple is warm and affectionate, that they’d be open to the idea. I’ve had another couple approach me about swinging and here’s what happened.
First, the other man in the relationship was blatantly flirtatious with me. He’d say things to me that I certainly hoped my boyfriend would never say to another woman. I started to fear he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend with me, which I talked to my boyfriend about in private.
While I was originally worried the guy was trying to cheat with me, that fear subsided when he flirted with me in front of his partner. She didn’t seem to mind at all. So then I was just thinking, “Is this poor woman oblivious? Or does she just tolerate this?”
It became clear that the other woman wasn’t a victim or an innocent bystander in anyway when she participated in the flirting. She’d agree with the things her partner said to me, and she’d also touch me in a flirtatious manner. Okay, so, these two want a threesome—is what I thought—but how can they think my man would be okay with that?
What I have learned about many swingers is that they approach the female in the other relationship, first. If the swinging woman had just started hitting on my man I would have, obviously, had my claws come out and felt like this was so disrespectful. People can generally get away with being a little more affectionate with women without it coming off as totally disrespectful to her male partner. So, they were feeling me out first.
If we’d be at events with them that were clearly winding down, they wanted to keep the party going. We had been at a wedding all day with them, the reception hall had closed, everyone had gone home, and they kept encouraging the four of us to find an after-hours place and keep drinking. I kind of felt like, “What’s the point? The party is clearly over. We did what we came here to do—to attend a wedding.”
I won’t say which ones, but I will say that this couple kept asking my boyfriend and I if we’d ever tried certain illicit substances. We hadn’t, so then they started pretty much selling us on them, telling us it’s the best experience ever, and how they really make you open up and feel very comfortable in your body. I started to realize, “Ooooh. Those are orgy drugs.”
Eventually my boyfriend and I figured out that this couple was trying to swing with us. In fact, a friend confirmed that they are swingers. Now, we were in a predicament. They are actually our friends—we’d had many dinners with them and spent a lot of time with them platonically. So, we couldn’t just seamlessly phase them out—nor did we necessarily want to.
If you think it’s tough, as a single woman, telling your male friend you don’t have the same feelings for him that he has for you, try telling another couple, as a couple, that you just want to remain friends.
Naturally, my man’s biological male jealousy instinct was triggered. He couldn’t help but think, “Am I supposed to be mad? Is my buddy hitting on my girlfriend?” It’s funny to not be sure if you’re supposed to be mad. But he wasn’t because, well, his buddy was also offering his girlfriend in return. But we aren’t swingers—we don’t necessarily abide by their laws. My boyfriend was a little mad.
My boyfriend and I had a really funny argument in which we were trying to sniff out if either of us would swing. In an attempt to sound totally cool with my friends’ lifestyle, I accidentally sounded like I wanted to participate. “I don’t see anything wrong with it. It works for some people!” is what I said. But what my partner heard was, “I want to swing!”
So, my partner, thinking I was may be game, didn’t want to fall behind, and said, “Yeah, swinging works for some people. I guess you never know until you try.” He was totally just trying to be “cool” if it’s what I wanted to do, but he didn’t want to do it at all. I also didn’t want to do it, but then it sounded like he did so I got upset. It was quite a comedy of errors, but we eventually both discovered we do not want to swing. So that was that.
Eventually, we decided to be cool. We shouldn’t be judgmental. Whatever works for them, works for them. We also shouldn’t give them the cold shoulder, just because we don’t have the same agenda. And, we didn’t want to come off as uptight or closed-minded, so we decided not to behave any differently.
Just like a man who wants to sleep with you won’t take no for an answer unless he hears the word, “NO,” a swinging couple kind of doesn’t give up unless you make things very clear. Continuing to be warm and friendly, after the realization they were trying to swing, seemed to make the other couple think we were more receptive than ever to swinging.
It made me sad, since we did like this couple, but we had to keep our distance for a while. They’d never straight up asked, “Will you sleep with us?” but, in so many ways, they had tried. Being nice wasn’t sending the message, so we had to turn down their invites to hang out for a long time, and keep our distance if they were at the same parties as us.
The other couple seems to have gotten the hint, since we turned down so many invitations to hang out. Honestly, it kind of went the way it goes when one of your male buddies tries subtly to sleep with you, you turn him down, and then you take some space. Eventually, enough time passes that, next time you run into each other at a party, they’ve found someone new to sleep with, and you actually just miss the friendship so you start hanging out again.
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I started to regularly hook up with Anna and her friends and had my eyes truly opened to the world of swinging. The parties were every bit as hedonistic as you'd imagine; alcohol fuelled,...
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Swinging is kind of like polyamory, but more heteronormative and traditional, having existed since forever. These couples are not interested in disrupting their monogamy, they only want to have sex with other people with the approval of their "true" partner.
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There comes a time in every woman's life when she needs to fill out her first sex party application. OK, maybe not every woman, but most women. OK, maybe not most women, but some women. OK fine.
you opened pandoras box when you took her swinging. she met a much older man that she immediately had a sexual connection with and she only wanted to go to further parties to have more sex with him. feelings obviously developed and when you wen away working she took that chance to have sex every day with him. that was her giving herself to him …
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
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