Couple Have Sex
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Couple Have Sex
Medically Reviewed by Dan Brennan, MD on June 20, 2021
It may not be a good idea to compare your sex life to that of other couples. But it is interesting to look at what statistics say about this issue. You may think that you're having sex fewer times than your peers, but scientific studies may prove you wrong. For example, a recent study shows that American couples are having less sex than they did a decade ago.
It’s also worth noting that there is no perfect answer to the question.
Research carried out by the General Social Survey shows the following:
Another study published in 2019 found that about 47% of married couples have sex less than once a week.
The frequency of sex is said to be closely linked to a happy marriage . But research shows that married people who have more sex weekly are no happier than those who have less of it. This is according to a study involving 30,000 people.
You’re probably within the normal range. If you’re happy with the number of times you have sex in your marriage, that’s the right amount of sex for you. Research shows that pushing sex frequency to more than once a week may decrease your desire for and enjoyment of sex. This is to say that quality is as vital as quantity.
Satisfaction and interpersonal connection are more important in marriage than the frequency of sexual intimacy. There is also a strong connection between well-being , positive emotions, and sex.
Mutual respect is a huge contributor to sexual satisfaction. Respondents in research studies reported that they are looking for the following for an improved sex life:
Strive to be a better communicator. The journey of making your sex life better begins with ensuring open communication with your partner. One study ties sexual communication with a better sexual experience and satisfaction. For example, you're less likely to fake an orgasm if you have open talks about sex with your partner.
Research also shows that the more you fake orgasms, the less likely you are to talk about sex with your partner. This is because you will feel embarrassed and choose not to talk about it. Some reasons for this include not wanting to hurt your partner's emotions or not feeling comfortable being explicit.
When you stop having sex in marriage , your relationship becomes vulnerable to detachment, anger, infidelity, and ultimately, divorce. Lack of frequent sex in marriage can be due to many reasons, including the following:
As such, there's no standard scale to determine how often you should have sex in your marriage. Having sex at least once a week is ideal to keep the marriage intact. But having sex less than ten times a year is enough reason to qualify a marriage as a sexless one. Over time, it may lead to divorce due to dissatisfaction.
It’s worth noting that lack of sex doesn’t always imply a failed or dysfunctional marriage. Sexual intimacy is how you express your love and desire for your partner. Not having sex doesn't necessarily end in divorce . All the same, it is something that you should strive to handle before things get out of hand.
Sex can easily fall to the bottom of the to-do list for most people. Yet it is the glue that keeps them together. Without it, you might be headed to the "good friends" zone at best or "bickering housemates" at worst.
Many factors must fall into place for sex to become something you desire and want to do often. For most couples, a difference of opinion is usually the main problem affecting the frequency of sex in their marriage. The problem is usually not about sex but about getting to the act itself.
Your willingness for sex at any given time may not always match up to your partner’s. The secret is to negotiate how many times per week works for both of you. Just like many other areas in marriage, sex and its frequency also require compromise. But studies show that a weekly frequency is good enough to keep your marriage happy.
Archives of Sexual Behavior : “Declines in Sexual Frequency among American Adults, 1989-2014,” “Women’s Sexual Satisfaction, Communication, and Reasons for (No Longer) Faking Orgasm: Findings from a U.S. Probability Sample.”
GSS Topical Report: “American Sexual Behavior: Trends, Socio-Demographic Differences, and Risk Behavior.”
Indian Journal of Psychiatry : “SEXUAL BEHAVIOR AND DYSFUNCTION IN DIVORCE SEEKING COUPLES.”
Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization : “Does Increased Sexual Frequency Enhance Happiness?”
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships : “The associations of intimacy and sexuality in daily life: Temporal dynamics and gender effects within romantic relationships.”
Journal of the Academy of Medical Sciences of Bosnia and Herzegovina : “A Review of Affecting Factors on Sexual Satisfaction in Women.”
Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin : “More Than Just Sex: Affection Mediates the Association Between Sexual Activity and Well-Being.”
Procedia Social and Behavioral Sciences : “Inspecting the Relationship between Sexual Satisfaction and Marital Problems of Divorce-asking Women in Sanandaj City Family Courts.”
S ocial Psychological and Personality Science : “Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better.”
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL : How Often Should Married Couples Have Sex?”
Here's how to avoid the most common mistakes.
What do you know about locking lips?
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WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
Medically Reviewed by Sabrina Felson, MD on August 12, 2021
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Couples who are sexually satisfied tend to understand that it’s about more than just intercourse. And studies show that they usually get intimate with each other at least weekly. A regular schedule isn’t a prescription for instant bliss. But getting physically close to your partner often can be a sign that you two are in a healthy place.
Knowledge can equal sexual bliss. Learning more about each other’s physical erotic zones, how much stimulation you need, and what turns you on can take your sex life to new heights.
Physical contact is a powerful tool that builds connection and trust. Sex therapists use a technique called sensate focus. It’s an exercise that explores how different kinds of touch make you feel. It also eases the pressure off reaching a sexual “goal” like orgasm or penetration. Practicing sensual touch can help partners get closer and make intimacy more pleasurable.
Studies show that couples who aren’t honest about what they do and don’t enjoy in the bedroom are more likely to feel dissatisfied. So tell each other if your libido is lagging or you have trouble getting to orgasm. Let your partner know, too, if you feel self-conscious about your body or if anything makes you uncomfortable.
Sessions with a certified sex therapist can improve intimacy issues by helping you communicate better, guiding you through touch exercises, and educating you about arousal and desire. If your problems stem from other issues, talk therapy may also benefit your whole relationship.
Sex has no normal. What you like, how often you want it, and how important it is to you is different for everyone. Your libido and priorities can change over time with age, physical health, and the pressures of daily life. Couples who stay curious and flexible about their sex needs tend to feel better about themselves, which in turn paves the way for a more fulfilling sex life.
As you age, your body takes longer to respond to sexual stimulation. Lower testosterone levels in older men can make it harder to get and keep an erection. A drop in estrogen during menopause can lead to dry vagina and slower arousal in women. Try and set aside ample time to enjoy sex with each other.
Could your sex life be stuck in a rut? Try out different positions, moves, touches, and stimulations to bring back the spice. The new techniques also may heighten sensations so that you can climax more often.
Research shows that couples who care about satisfying their partner -- and who take joy from the other person's pleasure -- are happier in the sack. This might mean having sex more often than you’re used to, doing it at different times than is normal for you, or acting out your partner’s sexual fantasies.
Practice makes perfect: When you do things that increase the feel-good endorphins in your body -- from sex, exercise, laughing, making art, or any activity that brings you joy -- you build and beef up the response pathway that helps you feel aroused more easily.
Some people might view using lubrication to ease dryness or propping their position with a pillow during sex as an admission that they need help to turn their partners on. But the opposite is true. The more attentive you are to the comfort of your partner and yourself, the better your experience.
It may sound like a mood killer. But researchers at the University of Toronto found that couples who believe that hard work and effort, not finding a soulmate, is the key to a great sex life enjoyed a happier intimate relationship.
Photographic or literary erotica can heat up the bedroom for some couples. But a heavy pornography habit can stunt some men’s ability to get an erection and achieve orgasm with their partner. Porn also sets unrealistic expectations of what real life sex is like. That can chip away at their partner’s self-esteem and hurt the relationship.
Climaxing isn’t the goal of every sexual encounter. For some partners, it can create a lot of pressure. Touching in sensual ways or connecting in whatever form works for you and your partner is enough to build closeness.
Understanding where your partner’s sexual “starting point” is can go a long way toward fulfilling sex. Some people, usually men, can get in the mood instantly and without stimulation. Others, often women, need a cue to get aroused. Accommodating those differences can boost your mutual satisfaction.
SOURCES:
Mariah Power, LPC, AASECT certified sex therapist, Decatur, GA.
News release, Society for Personality and Social Psychology. Mayo Clinic Proceedings : “The International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health Process of Care for Management of Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder in Women.” Journal of Sex Research : “Couples’ Sexual Communication and Dimensions of Sexual Function: A Meta-Analysis.”
Harvard Health: “A Health Sex Life – At Any Age,” “11 Ways to Help Yourself to a Better Sex Life.”
Cornell Health: “Sensate Focus.” Journal of Sex Research : “Sexual transformations and intimate behaviors in romantic relationships.” Journal of Adolescent Health : “The Association Between Sexual Health and Physical, Mental, and Social Health in Adolescent Women.” Sexual Medicine Reviews : “The Effects of Exercise on Sexual Function in Women.” Journal of Personal and Social Psychology : “How implicit theories of sexuality shape sexual and relationship well-being.”
Medscape: “Porn Use Linked to Erectile Dysfunction.” Sex Roles: “Young adult women’s reports of their male romantic partner’s pornography use as a correlate of their self-esteem, relationship quality, and sexual satisfaction.”
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WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
Part of HuffPost Relationships. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
In a marriage or relationship, the frequency of how often partners make love varies — sometimes by the week!
Bobbi and Chris, married five years
Marantina and Ro, married five years
Tom and his partner, together for nine years
Alyssa and Justin, married 10 years
Michael and Randall, together 41 years, married five
Part of HuffPost Relationships. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
Fashion & Lifestyle Editor, HuffPost
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes conflicting schedules, changing priorities and a laundry list of other reasons (including actual laundry) that just seem to get in the way of having sex .
What really happens between the sheets for couples who are 5, 10, 15, 20 or more years past the initial hot-and-heavy phase of a relationship?
They say you don’t know what really happens between two people until you share a bed with them, so we hopped right in. And it turns out, even though kids and life can get in the way, in many cases there is plenty to look forward to when it comes to sex in the long term.
We chatted with 11 couples about how often they get down, how sex has changed and how to keep the romance alive.
“Take advantage of your freedom while you can!”
“Since we’ve had our second child, who is 4 months old and still sleeps in our room, it’s maybe every couple of months? Definitely missing the connection sex brings to our marriage. Not happy with the amount at the moment but hoping it improves once baby two moves into her new room and our toddler stays in her toddler bed more often than she is currently.
“We’ve had one miscarriage and two babies since we’ve been married. Trying for babies was a lot of sex. It even took the fun out of it for a bit. Keeping the romance alive is a work in progress with our new normal, for sure. I don’t think it will ever be as wild as it once was. But hopefully we can at least get back to once a week! Take advantage of your freedom while you can!” [Laughs] — Bobbi
“Once a week. We do it when the kiddo’s asleep and in a different room (we co-sleep). We’re planning to make the kid sleep in his own room next year. Cross your fingers for more sexy time for us.
“When I was still working, we rarely had sex, maybe a few times a month. I used to refuse politely and said that I was tired from working. Then I got pregnant, so less sex. And we didn’t have sex until the kiddo turned 6 months, because I didn’t have the desire. When we moved to Medan from Jakarta, my husband was so involved taking care of our kid and doing house chores, I started to feel the need to have sex again.” — Marantina
“Three or four times a week. I’m happy with that amount because I’m too exhausted to do anything more.”
“Three or four times a week. I’m happy with that amount because I’m too exhausted to do anything more. We always choose each other first. A lot of people put their kids in front of their partners, and we really choose each other first.” — Jenna
“Having two kids back to back was pretty intense for us, and I ended up taking work out of town to keep up with everything, so we didn’t see each other as often as we’d wanted. Now we’re in a place where I’m back home, our kids are getting older, we’ve decided on no more, so I got snipped. This has been exciting for us, since we’ve finally been connecting more often. I feel like we can experiment more than ever, even though I think I’m a bit boring in that department.” — Eric
“I enjoy Tom’s creativity, and it’s fun to try new things together and both be open to new ideas. A lot has come up around Tom’s transition that has also been fun, but it’s a very personal subject for Tom, so I’ll let him speak to that.” ― Tom’s partner
“I think 5 to 10 times per month. A lot has changed, especially with transitioning ― I am a transgender man. About four years in, our sex life really dropped off, and we had to figure out how to adjust to having busy schedules and making more effort to have sex. All of a sudden the romantic first couple years dropped off, and we were like, ‘Oh, my God, where did our sex life go?’
“I always had these discomforts, this dysphoria with my body that made it really difficult to have sex. When I started to explore what was kind of going on in my mind, basically most of my fantasies were about being a man while having sex, which made it really difficult.
“I ended up going to therapy and was talking about this idea, and the idea got shared that it was totally OK to want to have sex as a man, and the man that I am. So I started to bring this up with my partner and asked if we could try these things, and he was like, ‘Yeah, absolutely.’ Very quickly from there it opened up this whole other realm of sex that I had never had with him. This sexual revolution was a big source of empowerment that allowed me to come out as trans in other areas of my life, too.” — Tom
“Sexual enjoyment seems to come more easily for men, and if you’re a woman who doesn’t feel very satisfied, it can be the missing ingredient to a great sex life. Make sure your needs are taken care of first!”
“It’s probably around three or four times a week. Sometimes a bit more often, sometimes less. We were both each other’s first real sexual partners, and we didn’t have sex until after we were married. So things evolved slowly for us in terms of what we were comfortable with.
“My advice for newlyweds might seem intuitive for most people, but where I was always scared or ashamed of my body, it was really helpful to get a vibrator. Sexual enjoyment seems to come more easily for men, and if you’re a woman who doesn’t feel very satisfied, it can be the missing ingredient to a great sex life. Make sure your needs are taken care of first!” — Alyssa
“We average two to three times a week. With trying to manage both of us working full time and his swing overnight shifts and having two kids, I think we do pretty well.
“There’s not a whole lot of spontaneity at this point, but you have to make it a priority. There’s no shame in doing that.” — Kate
“There’s six of us, and we have a teen who is up later than we are, so how are we gonna sprinkle rose petals in the living room when she’s in there doing her homework?”
“We average about two times a week, but that’s the lowest it’s been in our 15 years. Of course, we have four kids, so there are periods of time when we won’t be having sex very often, but it seems to ebb and flow in a way that works.” — Andrea
“It seems we’ve synced up with our frequency and out habits in a healthy way. We feel like we may be an anomaly, and we’re each kind of surprised ourselves.” — Dan
“There’s six of us, and we have a teen who is up later than we are, so how are we gonna sprinkle rose petals in the living room when she’s in there doing her homework? [Laughs] But we get away from the children whenever possible. It’s easy to fall into the habit of ‘We’re just co-coordinators’ or ‘We’re just co-babysitters,’ so it’s like, no, we have to get away from them. I wish I could say we’ve been to Mexico for a week without them, but that’s not the case, but literally even saying we’re going to Costco and they’re not going with us ― just turning that into a date.” — Andrea
“We average about once a week. We have been married for 22 years and have been swingers for almost 17. So, as far as libido goes, we score pretty high. Right now we have some pressure from work, which has always had an impact on my husband’s libido, so I’m not worried about our happiness but prefer when that number goes up to maybe two times a week.
“At first it was strictly swinging, but in the past seven or eight years, we’ve also had solo flights. Sometimes I’ll have a hookup or he will, and we’ll both be fine with that. We only engage in swinging activities when we are both at ease with our relationship and frequency, not as a way to seek pleasure elsewhere. Just as you don’t have a child to strengthen your relationship, you don’t engage in swinging in order to strengthen your sex life. If your relationship isn’t strong and healthy, the swinging will likely drive the wedge further than make the relationship stronger.
“Swinging has also shaped the way we engage with each other. You don’t engage with a body you haven’t known for years the same way you engage with a body who you haven’t known for years. It’s refreshing in the moment, but when you come to the body you know, you will have a tendency to bring that excitement into the way you engag
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