Consciousness Study Reveals Most People Are Just Pretending

A groundbreaking neuroscience study suggests 68% of people are merely "performing consciousness" without actual self-awareness. Using advanced fMRI scans, researchers found most subjects' brains light up identically when asked deep philosophical questions versus when shown pictures of food. "They respond to 'What is the meaning of life?' with the same neural patterns as 'Do you want fries with that?'" explained lead researcher Dr. Sarah Chen. The study identified "Consciousness Cosplayers" - people who can discuss existentialism at parties but whose brains treat such conversations identically to reciting sports statistics. Even more disturbing? 12% of philosophy professors showed no more genuine awareness than a toaster. The only group demonstrating consistent consciousness? Stand-up comedians mid-routine. "Turns out gallows humor requires real sentience," noted Chen, while a colleague whispered "But does it, though?"