Congress Passes No Child Left Unmonitored Act

Congress has passed the No Child Left Unmonitored Act, a sweeping bipartisan measure requiring every American child to wear a government-issued tracking device shaped like a cute panda bear. Lawmakers insist it�s �for safety,� though the 700-page bill also includes line items for drone-based snack delivery, biometric mood ring technology, and mandatory 24/7 Twitch-style livestreams of nap time. �We�re not spying,� said Senator Todd Balder, �we�re engaging.� The Act includes a feature where parents receive alerts if their child even thinks about misbehaving. �I was just considering not finishing my broccoli,� reported 8-year-old Liam Torres, whose parents received a national security alert and a visit from two surprisingly polite federal agents. The Department of Education partnered with a Silicon Valley startup named Snooplet to manage the tech, which recently rebranded its core product from �FreedomTag� to �HugSignal.� Privacy advocates are outraged, calling it �baby�s first police state.� Supporters argue that it prepares kids for a future where Alexa disciplines them. Meanwhile, school districts have been promised $4.2 billion to implement surveillance playgrounds with �mood-sensing mulch.� In one early test, a fourth-grader�s tantrum triggered a lockdown and a four-hour episode of Anderson Cooper 360. Critics say the law goes too far, but polling shows 61% of parents prefer government supervision to actually parenting. �Finally, someone�s watching them,� said one relieved dad from Des Moines. If this goes well, Congress says they may next pilot the No Adult Left Unwatched Initiative, starting with baristas and comedians. READ THE SATIRE: https://comedywriter.info/congress-passes-no-child-left-unmonitored-act/