Congress Passes No Child Left Unmonitored Act

In a bold bipartisan move, Congress has passed the No Child Left Unmonitored Act, requiring all children to wear government-issued GoPros from ages 4 to 18. �It�s about safety, surveillance, and catching those hilarious TikTok fails early,� said Senator Linda Granholm, adjusting a body cam on her own 7-year-old. The law mandates 24/7 livestreams of homework time, playground activity, and family dinners. A new Department of Child Optics (DCO) will review footage for behavioral analytics and potential sitcom pitches. Civil liberties groups are concerned, but a Quinnipiac poll shows 72% of parents are �thrilled someone else is finally watching their kids.� The tech rollout is being handled by a startup founded by former NSA interns and Montessori graduates. Glitches in the system have already led to 500 disciplinary actions for �suspicious glances� and �sarcastic eye rolls.� One 12-year-old was suspended for muttering �OK Boomer� under his breath during math class. The Department has promised patches in version 2.0. READ THE SATIRE: https://comedywriter.info/congress-passes-no-child-left-unmonitored-act/