Congress Passes No Child Left Unmonitored Act

Congress has officially declared that parenting is now a federal responsibility and has passed the �No Child Left Unmonitored Act.� This 500-word satirical piece explores just how far lawmakers will go in their quest to optimize childhood. Under the Act, every child will be issued a GPS collar, a mood-tracking bracelet connected to the Homeland Snark Bureau, and an app that tweets their every eye roll. The legislation passed 435-0 due to a clerical error where someone clicked �All Yes� while ordering pizza. According to anonymous aides, part of the motivation was a leaked video of a toddler hiding broccoli under a plate. �National security threat,� explained Senator Smith in a Fox News interview, before asking why broccoli had such bad press. Parenting experts who remain unnamed confirmed a 2025 survey showing 2 percent of parents believe actual privacy is overrated. One dad told us: �I just want to know if my kid is safe�not whether they�re planning a coup from the sandbox.� Anecdotal evidence suggests toddlers are already learning to lie to their smart diapers. A kindergarten teacher noted: �My class now passes notes via whispered Bluetooth.� Cause and effect is obvious: more tracking equals more creative rebellion. Analysts warn of a future where children apply for surveillance exemptions just to get grounded. Meanwhile, Congress is drafting follow-up bills, including the �No Senator Left Awake Act,� requiring caffeine IVs and mandatory naps during long hearings. This deep dive includes analogies comparing parents to camera operators at a reality show, expert opinion from �Dr.� Todd L. Vigilance, and social-science data suggesting 73 percent of kids will fake comportment until they�re seventeen. It ends with practical advice for parents: start teaching negotiation like diplomats, or prepare for bedtime to become a toolkit of lies. HOW TO WRITE COMEDY: https://comedywriter.info/congress-passes-no-child-left-unmonitored-act/ AND http://comedywriter.info/