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The Diary of a Compulsive Over-Eater
OCFD: Over compulsive fandom disorder.
Y o u ’ l l n e v e r b e b o r e d a g a i n .
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Skylar. Singer, songwriter, lover of noodles.
“Yeah, no. I’m clean. Thanks for playing, try again next time.”
Skylar placed himself down on the wooden bench, a low creak sounding as he did. One hand gripping a Starbucks cup, the other reaching up to adjust his sunglasses.
Skylar was particularly thankful for the cooler weather, it gave him an excuse to wear as many long-sleeved shirts as he liked. And though anything that might be incriminating was healed, there was still the issue of scarring. That was something he was particularly ashamed of. What didn’t fit, however, on that dreary day, were his rounded sunglasses.
The musician wasn’t, particularly into fan meets. It wasn’t that he didn’t like his fans, no he owed his entire life to them, but there was so much that had happened—so much drama—that Skylar didn’t think his anxiety would allow for him to properly interact with them. So, he hid his face.
They weren’t antisocial by any means though, well…. Not intentionally. The days and weeks spent in his home with Yoosung hadn’t really been in boycott of the outside world, it just seemed that two newlyweds had every right not to want to share each other with the world but Yoosung had work and Skylar had to figure some things out.
At the presence of motion in his peripheral vision, they jumped a bit, a blush rushing over their features.
Legs crossed at the ankles, Kihyun was taking a moment. He seemed to be doing a lot of that lately–his days were spent in bed, summoning the effort to actually get out of it in order to head to his night shifts. But today, today was different–it was his to do with as he pleased. And so, he didn’t remain inside the apartment that was littered with the messes of the night before, and instead endeavoured to get some fresh air. He didn’t feel GOOD , exactly (this hangover seemed to be lasting for days), but he felt… okay. Kihyun didn’t know what spurred this change, but he was going to enjoy it while it lasted.
He should have brought bread. Ryan had always told him that bread was bad for the ducks, but Kihyun waved away his brothers’ concerns. Wasn’t it normal to bring stale bread to the park? Kihyun dug inside his pockets as one waddled toward him, but it kept a wary distance. He pulled out a half eaten breakfast bar, and brushed away the lint that clung to the crumbs.
Kihyun broke the treat in pieces, and tossed it towards the duck. The bench dipped beside him, and it wasn’t until Kihyun had finished watching his little friend regard his gift curiously did he turn to see who had joined him. Kihyun hadn’t expected the other to jump, and in response, his eyebrows rose.
“I’m not that scary,” A joke, a feeble one at that, but a testament to how good his mood seemed to be. A rare occasion. Kihyun would ask if the other had a lot on their mind, but his generosity didn’t extend that far. “Well, actually, that depends on the people you ask. They may say otherwise.”
A blush painted Skylar’s features for only a moment as they attempted to calm the embarrassment that came with this reaction. He was a tad hazy, his mind often struggling to keep up with everything at all times. Had he seen the other before he sat down? He couldn’t seem to remember. A small frown on the musicians lips.
“No, I don’t think you’re all that scary, but who knows.” A light shrug as they took a sip of their coffee, sunglasses clad eyes scanning over the duck that had taken a liking to the other who resided on the bench.
“Are others small animals, then? Cause I’m pretty sure you’re one of the few people that haven’t intimidated me right off the bat— you just had a Snow White moment with that duck.” Skylar gave a soft chuckle.
Long legs stretched out in front of him, thin fingers reached up to push the glasses on top of his head, relieving some of the stress that had been on his eyes. Skylar never seemed to want to wear his glasses and the low lighting due to the cloud coverage plus the darkness from the heavy duty brown lenses made an ache start in what seemed to be the back of his eyes. It was a strange and annoying feeling and Skylar highly doubted at this point that the sunglasses would have protected his identity to any extent. But at least he had tried.
Skylar placed himself down on the wooden bench, a low creak sounding as he did. One hand gripping a Starbucks cup, the other reaching up to adjust his sunglasses.
Skylar was particularly thankful for the cooler weather, it gave him an excuse to wear as many long-sleeved shirts as he liked. And though anything that might be incriminating was healed, there was still the issue of scarring. That was something he was particularly ashamed of. What didn’t fit, however, on that dreary day, were his rounded sunglasses.
The musician wasn’t, particularly into fan meets. It wasn’t that he didn’t like his fans, no he owed his entire life to them, but there was so much that had happened—so much drama—that Skylar didn’t think his anxiety would allow for him to properly interact with them. So, he hid his face.
They weren’t antisocial by any means though, well…. Not intentionally. The days and weeks spent in his home with Yoosung hadn’t really been in boycott of the outside world, it just seemed that two newlyweds had every right not to want to share each other with the world but Yoosung had work and Skylar had to figure some things out.
At the presence of motion in his peripheral vision, they jumped a bit, a blush rushing over their features.
Skye had absolutely hated the subway. Not that Eun-Jae could blame the tiny dog, because some bad smelling guy had been eyeing the both of them for most of the ride, causing the Pomeranian to start growling and the boy to hold the animal closer against his chest. It had probably been a bad idea to leave the familiarity of Queens with his dog in tow, but Jay was a bit tired of walking the same streets and had originally thought that maybe Skye would have loved to see more of the city. Now that he was wandering around in Manhattan, he was regretting that decision. 
His mood was instantly lifted, however, when he spotted the familiar tall figure on the bench. Had he deliberately traveled to Manhattan in the hopes of ‘accidentally’ walking into Skylar again? Maybe . 
There was a skip in his step as he walked over, dragging the small dog along on her leash, though the fluffy animal was pulling at it in an attempt to walk in the opposite direction. “Hey!” He replied with a bright smile, ignoring the tugging of the dog. “It’s okay, you’re very tall and I’m not.” Jay shrugged and invited himself to sit down on the bench, lifting the dog up from the ground and placing her onto his lap despite her wiggling.
Skylar couldn’t help the fond smile that pulled over his lips as the pink haired boy settled into the bench next to him.
Jay was a soft boy who had caught Skylar’s attention solely because he was so gentle in mature and reminded Skylar of himself in ways that he couldn’t fully explain. A hand reached up, ruffling the soft pink locks. “Well, hello to you too. Long time no see.” He commented as he pushed the sunglasses up to rest on top of his head, bangs pushed back along with them. He took another sip of his drink before taking in the wiggling puppy. God, Jay reminded him of a small child in the way he did things. “No, I don’t think I have.” He mused, the hand that had pet the small boy’s head now moving to do the same with the puppy. “It’s nice to meet you, little friend.” He said in a soft tone, the corners of his eyes wrinkling just a bit as his wide smile pulled across his features.
“You know, I’m just that Baggie and Marble miss you like crazy. You should come by sometime and introduce this pretty puppy to them, I’m sure they would love a play date.” Skylar felt like he needed to include Jay in his life as much as possible when they ran into each other as their time together was always so brief. Skylar couldn’t seem to get the image of the other crying and confessing his sexuality to Skylar as if they were long time friends, and it took the musician a good few days to realize that to Jay, they had been. Skylar didn’t know Jay personally until recently, but his music had been Jay’s connection to him and that had made their friendship as steadfast as it was now.
Skylar rested his head against his spouses shoulder, eyes scanning over the magazine they had been reading for the better part of thirty minutes. Skylar generally wouldn’t mind but he was feeling exceedingly clingy, a small pout resting on his lips as he tried to focus on the words on the page— something about the font made it nearly impossible for him to focus on. A sigh passed his lips. He wanted Yoosung to pay attention to him right then.
Thin arms wrapped around the blondes upper body, face pressing playfully into his neck. “Yoo,” He whined, giving his lover a light squeeze. “Pay attention to me—look at me.” Skylar knew they Yoosung generally paid lots of attention to him, in fact he was pretty sure neither one of them did much else outside of cling to each other when Yoosung wasn’t working. But Yoosung’s work schedule had gotten to be more than Skylar was used to as his popularity grew. He should have expected it though; Yoosung was an artist in his field and though Skylar knew he would have been fine on his own, the fact that the person he married happened to be a multiplatinum recording artist didn’t hurt.
Skylar had been bored though. There wasn’t really much to do without Yoosung around. Mornings that had been spent wine tasting and lazing about naked now were spent taking their pets for walks, cleaning up as much as needed, and then getting frustrated each time his hands failed him. His accident had left him with less strength in his hands and it became increasingly difficult to press down the strings on his guitar. His fingers just got so tired and Skylar was having a hard time finding the energy to try anymore. All of that plus the added excitement that his new medications gave him left him practically vibrating with needs for attention, affection, and something to do constantly.
“Can we do something fun? Anything at all. I’m bored.” A light kiss beneath his spouses ear as he leaned over the back of the couch. “There wasn’t anything on tv and baggie doesn’t want to play with me.”
Skylar placed himself down on the wooden bench, a low creak sounding as he did. One hand gripping a Starbucks cup, the other reaching up to adjust his sunglasses.
Skylar was particularly thankful for the cooler weather, it gave him an excuse to wear as many long-sleeved shirts as he liked. And though anything that might be incriminating was healed, there was still the issue of scarring. That was something he was particularly ashamed of. What didn’t fit, however, on that dreary day, were his rounded sunglasses.
The musician wasn’t, particularly into fan meets. It wasn’t that he didn’t like his fans, no he owed his entire life to them, but there was so much that had happened—so much drama—that Skylar didn’t think his anxiety would allow for him to properly interact with them. So, he hid his face.
They weren’t antisocial by any means though, well…. Not intentionally. The days and weeks spent in his home with Yoosung hadn’t really been in boycott of the outside world, it just seemed that two newlyweds had every right not to want to share each other with the world but Yoosung had work and Skylar had to figure some things out.
At the presence of motion in his peripheral vision, they jumped a bit, a blush rushing over their features.
Hoseok gave a small nod. “I… understand.” He replied quietly. He knew all too well how terrifying it could be to have to go outside, how hard it could be to talk to people. Though he didn’t think he’d ever met anyone who felt that same way. Could it be that he’d finally found someone who knew what it was like? How hard it was to be outside? How exhausting it was just to socialize for a few hours? Saeran understood anxiety, but Hoseok knew his friend also just didn’t like people. But the brunet wanted to have friends, wanted to do fun things and see the world. He wanted more than just the adventures on white pages – more than just the idea of a life.
He licked his lips, picking at his sleeves. “You just… wanna make music?” He then asked. “Without– Without the… public stuff?” His hands moved to pick at his wristbands again. He was trying to understand Skylar’s point of view, though he personally couldn’t exactly imagine being famous enough to be recognized in public. Even just the thought of it made him anxious, however.
“G-Guess it’s too late to… do something like Sia. You know, the… wigs…” He attempted at a joke, a nervous smile tugging at the corners of his lips, though it quickly fell again as he continued to stare down at his hands. “I… I wish people would… understand.” He then said quietly. “Anxiety, I mean. It’s– It doesn’t mean you’re… bad or… anti-social, it’s just… hard. To be social. To… smile and… enjoy stuff.” Hoseok felt a slight blush on his cheeks, realizing he’d rambled a little. “But it… doesn’t mean you’re not. Li-Likable, I mean.”
The brunet chewed on his bottom lip, only startled from his silence as a waitress came over to their booth to get their orders. Hoseok stiffened a little and swallowed hard. “Ah, I– Just… a glass of water?” He hesitantly breathed out, hoping that wouldn’t be too expensive.
A smile found itself pulling at Skylar’s lips as it seemed the other understood. “Yeah, I guess it’s a little late for that all of that but… I just, like making music. The other stuff that comes with it stresses me out, though. If I could go back and do it over… I think I would do it on my terms.”
Skylar hadn’t really ever been able to explain the nerves that made it so hard for him to go out, all they really knew was that they didn’t like it. It didn’t feel secure or safe. It also didn’t feel safe . There were other people who Skylar didn’t know in the world, and though he’d managed to meet a ton of good ones, there were also the ones who he found himself glancing over his shoulder for. People like his dad who scared him to no end.
“Can I just get a caramel latte? I hope that’s okay.” Skylar said to their server, one hand reaching up to ruffle their particularly long and messy locks. Once their orders had been placed the musician turned their attention to their companion, fingers twisting around their wedding ring slowly. “Ah, I can pay—I mean, it really isn’t an issue,” Skylar said quickly. They realized that it seemed they were always offering to buy the other things when they came upon each other, but Skylar tended to have much more money than there ever knew what to do with. It only made sense to help those around him. They also vividly remembered the first time the two of them had spoken, the dark-haired boy had been short on funds for the books they had wanted.
At this point in their lives, Skylar couldn’t imagine not having the money to have the things they wanted. Years ago, they had been very used to that, but now that wasn’t a problem. They wanted to help Hoseok however they could.
Skylar knew he shouldn’t be this damn winded. He just was nowhere near as healthy as his lean body seemed to suggest—he was painfully out of shape. His body was ruined from years of being mistreated and he really wouldn’t blame it if it just gave up on him. A large had rubbed at his chest, which still felt like it might burst and took a small step in the direction that the boy did, almost mirroring his actions.
“Sorry, really. But we can go a-anywhere, that you’re okay with. Just need a minute.” His sentences were a bit broken and scattered as he glanced around for the teenagers in question. What would he do if they managed to catch up with him? He was terrified. Since coming out fully and admitting to his relationship with his roommate (now spouse) it was becoming increasingly difficult to scroll through his twitter mentions without seeing something that triggered the negative thoughts in his head. He didn’t think he could handle that in a real-world setting where he was nearly obligated to answer clearly. Either that or run. Today he chose running.
“I… Make music.” He said after a moment, wondering if Hoseok found him a bit off-putting in this instance. He knew that his anxiety just wouldn’t allow for random strangers to run into him and beg for help. He was likely to leave them on their own. “And I went to Hot Topic. There were teenagers there and well… they did what teenagers do.” A shrug, attempting to play off the entire situation as something that he could deal with normally. He wanted to ignore the fact that he’d just been sent running by the aforementioned teens. He wanted to pretend that no one had seen him nearly die from the exertion.
Hoseok blinked slowly, eyes carefully taking in the other’s words and body language, calculating. It became clear to him that the taller of the two was in some state of distress and despite Hoseok not being too eager to tag along with someone he didn’t exactly know , he did want to help in whatever way he could. Was he willing to shove away some of his comfort to be of assistance? He quickly concluded it didn’t exactly MATTER . Had he been comfortable a single day in his life? What was the worst that could happen?
“It’s, ah, okay…” He replied quietly when Skylar apologized. Hoseok was aware this fears were most likely irrational, that the stiffness in his body and expression were caused by something he couldn’t explain or even UNDERSTAND . So he continued to drag himself through the corridors, remaining silent as he allowed the other to speak and letting his eyes shift over the various stores and restaurants until he found something that looked like a coffee shop. He briefly nodded in the direction, not wanting to interrupt whilst processing Skylar’s words. The brunet pushed the door open and awkwardly led the way to a booth in the back where he sat himself down.
Hoseok could understand what the other was talking about, figured that ‘I make music’ might mean that he was a lot bigger than he was trying to make it sound. The brunet didn’t recognize their face, but he couldn’t remember the last time he’d willingly listened to a regular radio station – he was too attached to his personal music library. Loud, maybe a little edgy, music that could drown out the noise from outside, almost put him in a trance like state that allowed him to get lost and pretend the world didn’t exist. Maybe he should feel bad he had no idea who Skylar was, but he figured that in this moment it was probably a relief to the both of them, especially because Hoseok wasn’t sure he’d be able to function in the slightest if he’d be aware of the musician’s fame.
“Doesn’t, um… Hot Topic have an… online s-shop?” He asked, feeling a blush rise to his cheeks. The last thing he wanted to do was encourage people to never leave their house – he knew how treacherous the power of the internet could be. One could do almost anything without needing to go anywhere; a dream come true for the twenty year old, but it didn’t exactly give him motivation to try and challenge his fears, either. Hoseok nervously picked at his wristbands for a moment. “I… I mean, I’m sorry, that– that must have been… scary.” Musicians were people, too, right? Who would he be to assume Skylar was an extrovert just because he made music? He knew very well that a lot of celebrities suffered from some kind of mental illness; it would be ignorant to think the other could handle the pressure that came with their job.
It wa
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