Commitment Issues Reach Pandemic Levels

A startling new study reveals commitment avoidance has become the norm, with most dating-age adults now experiencing physical symptoms when relationships progress beyond casual hangouts. Subjects reported hives at the sight of toothbrushes left at their apartment, nausea when hearing the word "meet my parents," and full-system shutdowns when asked about exclusivity. "We've created a generation that can swipe through 500 profiles but panics at one 'good morning' text," said lead researcher Dr. Mark Chen, showing brain scans that light up identically for "relationship talks" and "bear attacks." Dating apps have adapted with new features like "vow-free mode" and panic buttons that send fake work emergencies during sentimental moments. The most extreme case? A man who moved to Antarctica rather than define his situationship. Therapists suggest gradual exposure therapy, starting with labeling someone as "maybe my date" and working up to "partner" over 3-5 years. Meanwhile, the 11% still capable of commitment report feeling "like endangered zoo animals."