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College Sex Twitter
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Masturbation: one of the most hush-hush subjects that is only really discussed in group chats with your closest friends, or in a thread on Twitter where you, along with everyone else, realizes “wow, other people do it too.” Open discussions about masturbation shouldn’t be such a taboo subject. After all, the more you know about what your body appreciates the most, the better the sex with your partner. I talked to 20 college students about how they masturbate.
“I haven't bought any sex toys yet, but I use my hands for more clitorial stimulation.”
“I just use my fingers typically. I either think about my boyfriend or watch intimacy videos that we created, or just hop on a porn website.”
“I masturbate how I think most people do, using lotion for lubrication, I stroke my shaft with my right or left hand and whichever hand is free I apply a little pressure to my gooch with my fingers, it makes the orgasm just that much better.”
"I started masturbating at a very young age. Well, young for what I grew up believing. I typically watch lesbian porn to masturbate to. The audio is a turn on for me. Sometimes I can look at sexy pictures of my girlfriend and sometimes phone sex will do the trick as well. When I turned 18 I bought my first sex toy and I really like it because it's specifically for clitoral stimulation. I have another one for penetration but I don't always like to be penetrated. I'll masturbate either when I feel the urge to or just to put me to sleep because reaching climax is a very taxing process.”
“I'm a 19-year-old virgin who has never really had the time to pursue sexual partners. I decided that instead of investing time in finding ways to have sex, I'd just invest in good toys. Periodically, I use small dildos but my go-to is the Hitachi Magic Wand. Before I bought it I would stimulate my clit with my fingers and sometimes it would take a while. The Wand does what I can do 3 times faster. On days where I need to cum quickly, it's a God send.”
“Sometimes, I use my hands and become stimulated from the sounds of porn. It's weird because I don't like to watch it, but I get off listening to it. Most of the time I'll use my small vibrator on it's 2nd level of intensity for an amazing orgasm. After two or three times, it feels so great!”
A Sophomore at the University of Illinois at Chicago
“Usually, I watch porn and masturbate. I've only tried using a toy once and it didn't really work, but I would try again if I had another one.”
A Junior at North Carolina A&T State University
“On a more consistent basis, I use my fingers in order to masturbate. However, I am always wanting to try new sex toys. It keeps the experience new and fresh.”
“I usually tend to only use my hands. Masturbation, for me, is a way to ease stress or even keep myself from making the walk of shame at 5 a.m. It is something I feel all girls should try and embrace because it is just as normal as when a boy does it!”
“I've been masturbating for years because my mom never discouraged me from getting to know my own body. I found that having that freedom allows me to explore my sexuality comfortably now as an adult. I don't fancy penetration when I'm doing it to myself, I don't know why I've just never found it stimulating. However, clitoral stimulation is my savior. I got my first vibrator two weeks ago with my best friend and I found the workers at the sex shop were incredibly friendly and had wonderful recommendation. I really have to just lay there and think about sex and stimulate my clitorus. If I'm watching porn, I'll switch up the category but most of it feels mad fake to me and doesn't do anything to put me in the mood. It's as simple as that and I will masturbate in the morning or at night. I think it's relaxing and lets you figure out what you're into! Everybody should do it because it makes for a better sex life. And let’s be real, it's makes life easier for you and your partner so figure out what's going down with your vajunebug or your diddly stick. You wanna have the best sex life possible because life's too short.”
“I’ve been in a long distance relationship for the past few months and I find self pleasure incredibly important for stress relief. I either use my fingers or a toy for clitoral stimulation. I use the Satisfyer Pro 2 in the shower or with water based lube. It was like $40 on Amazon, but it's well worth the price. I started masturbating when I couldn't climax during sex with other partners, and I've found it to be valuable in learning what my body likes. Knowing my body has made sex so much better and now I orgasm every time.”
“I use a curved vibrating dildo with cyberskin! It's awesome and since my g-spot is pushed more to the back, the curved tip works to really stimulate it. However, I cannot just orgasm off of gspot stimulation with a sex toy. I can only reach the big "O" by the g-spot when I'm with my boyfriend! It's strange. When I'm masturbating, I can only orgasm when my clit is stimulated. Also, since I don't turn myself on as much as my man does, I use Astroglide or KY Warming Liquid to get my juices flowing.”
“I tend to stick to what I know works — I stimulate the clitoris in a circle motion at various speeds. If I do use toys I have a pink vibrator that I like to use. I'm not sure of the name but it's 7" and I like it quite a lot.”
A Senior at North Carolina A&T State University
“I have a dildo that I keep in my drawer beside my bed and I’ll either wait until my roommate leaves or I’ll go take a shower to pleasure myself. I love penetration the most. I started masturbating quite early, but I don’t think it was weird at all. It helped me gain control of what gets me off the best and now, during sex I have just as much pleasure.”
“I use my fingers to masturbate. I can usually arouse myself by watching porn, but it has to be lesbian porn. Even though I’m not a lesbian, hearing their moans helps me orgasm faster than hearing a man’s grunting.”
"I masturbate by using my index finger to stimulate my clitoris. If I'm lucky and have a lot of time, however, I also penetrate my vagina using my index and middle (sometime ring, not usually) fingers. I also sometimes pinch my nipples for added stimulation.”
"I personally use a simple vibrator while I watch some love making porn and imagine that it is me and my future husband. I don't really like the way it makes me feel to put the vibrator inside of my vagina, so I just use it on my clit.”
Junior at Xavier University of Louisiana
“As odd and looked down on as it is, I use a pocket vagina to masturbate, in addition to my hands. The pocket vagina doesn’t feel exactly like the real thing, but it’s definitely enough to make me have an orgasm.”
A Senior at Howard University “I am the masturbation queen. I have 2 dildos of different sizes for different types of pleasures. I also own three vibrators: one for transporting (I travel a lot), one Hitachi magic wand (it works wonders!!), and a small one that I keep in my drawer beside my bed. I don’t use it as much, but the other two are my babies. I think that we should definitely be more open to talk about mastubation in an open setting because it could always help another person out! What you may know about your body, they may not know.
“I usually make myself cum before I start to touch myself. I'm one of those strange ones who's able to cum just by squeezing my legs together the right way, so I usually throw myself over the edge before I reach my first orgasm. This simply ensures I'm thoroughly wet so that I don't have to worry about going slow or using lube or anything. Then I use my fingers (I don't have any sex toys yet) to play around my labia, then into my vaginal canal. At whichever pace works for me. Typically, I immerse myself into a headspace, too, which makes my pleasure all the better. I personally am huge on mental spaces for sexual exploration. Depending on where that headspace is, I also tend to feel myself up and down, hold my neck, run my hand(s) through my hair, etc.
Chances are, you can probably relate to some of these students. You may have even learned a few tips and tricks to help make your self-pleasure sessions even more enjoyable. Next time you want to discuss masturbation in your group chat, don’t hesitate!
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Scholars, students, and campus leaders are rethinking how young Muslims should navigate the world of intimacy.
Illustration by Nicholas Konrad / The New Yorker
Emma Green is a staff writer at The New Yorker who covers education and academia.
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In July, Adeel Zeb, the Muslim chaplain for the Claremont Colleges, near Los Angeles, posted on Facebook about something that was bothering him. “I have been approached by multiple Muslim couples recently to perform / lead their ‘secret nikkah (secret Islamic traditional marriage),’ ” he wrote. These students told him that they had fallen into haram , or sin, by having sex outside of marriage, which is prohibited by Islam. They wanted to get right with God by getting married—but they wanted to do so without telling their parents. Zeb described their thinking: “In the short term, I can exercise my passion, and in the long term I won’t go to hell.”
Each of the couples said that they wanted to have a bigger wedding later, with family involved, but for now their parents were the roadblock to their relationship. In one case, Zeb offered to intervene and talk to one of the fathers, but the couple was reluctant. So Zeb refused to take any part in it. “I am writing this message to warn young people against these secret marriages, and any leader who will arrange the wedding without their respective families being notified,” he wrote on Facebook.
The elements of a traditional Islamic marriage ceremony are fairly straightforward. Both the bride and the groom need to agree to the marriage. At least two witnesses must be present. The groom has to give the bride a gift—money, a trip, or a promise to teach her something, for example. In most cases, the bride also needs a male guardian to be there, typically her dad. Technically, couples don’t even need an officiant, although many might ask an imam to oversee the ceremony. And yet, according to Islamic scholars, the Prophet taught that marriage is supposed to be public; communal weddings follow both the spirit and letter of the law. This expectation was reflected in Zeb’s post: parents and families should be fully involved—and marriage can’t just be a spiritual cover for having sex.
The post set off a flurry of discussion among his friends, many of whom lead influential Muslim organizations around the country. At its core, the conversation wasn’t just about secret marriage and the kind of religious loophole it seems to represent. Zeb and his community were grappling with how young Muslims should navigate sex, relationships, and marriage while remaining faithful to their religious obligations—and how the adults who guide them should think about their roles. It’s a topic that scholars have also been looking at in recent years, as they try to create space to talk about all kinds of sexual encounters among Muslims rather than bristling at the idea that young Muslims have sex.
The idea that young people should wait to have sex until they get married is countercultural in America. Roughly ninety per cent of Americans have premarital sex, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Many people are sexually active by the time they enter college: at least three-quarters of students reported having had sex in a recent survey of undergraduates at a large public university. That number may be lower among Muslims, although there’s not much recent data to tell us for sure. In one of the largest studies of college sexual activity, from 2001, fifty-four per cent of college-aged American Muslims reported having had sex, despite not being married—a number that several sources cited to me. “There’s so much shame and stigma around the conversation,” Qudsia Saeed, a twenty-year-old junior at American University, in Washington, D.C., who has led discussions about sex at her school’s Muslim Student Association, said. “But people are now realizing that we can’t leave the next generation with all the trauma that we carry from the past generation.”
The practice of young Muslims seeking secret nikkahs is not entirely new. Zeb, who is forty, recalls that when he was a student at Baylor University, in Texas, a few of his Muslim friends sought secret marriages in order to have sex. But, along with Zeb, other Muslim scholars and leaders have noticed an uptick in conversations about secret marriages lately. Mariam Sheibani, the associate academic director at Cambridge Muslim College, in the U.K., told me that she started hearing about secret nikkahs a few years ago, “sort of from a distance initially.” Then the topic started feeling more personal. “A friend of mine approached me, asking both what are the rules and the loopholes,” she said. “I was a bit surprised.” Though divorce is discouraged in Islam, it’s not forbidden, Sheibani pointed out, and the process for getting a religious divorce is fairly straightforward. Sex outside of marriage, on the other hand, “is like a major big deal.” This is why secret marriage might appeal to some young Muslim students: it may seem like a way to stay religiously faithful even if they’re not ready to get married for life.
As a chaplain, Zeb has come to feel that secret marriages are risky for the couples involved. When Muslim parents, who are sometimes first-generation immigrants, drop their kids off at one of Claremont’s colleges, they are trusting him to be their children’s spiritual guide. “I’m taking care of their children for the next four to eight years,” he said. “I have to be responsible to God at the end of the day, and to the parents and families. How does that work with my Islamic ethics for me to take this couple and say, ‘O.K., I’ll take your money, and I’ll get you secretly married. Nobody in the community will know about it’?” At the same time, he said that he recognized the difficulties of getting young Muslim couples to commit to abstinence. Instead of capitulating to the secular American norm of premarital sex, Zeb said, Muslim leaders should promote early marriages—real ones that are intended to last, held in public with the consent of families. “There’s no other solution,” he said. “What do you do?”
This question is in “an evolutionary moment right now,” Asifa Quraishi-Landes, a professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison who studies Islamic constitutional theory, said. Recent publications have made an effort to explore the many kinds of relationships and marriages that Muslims experience, whether or not they are recognized according to traditional Islamic law. “Tying the Knot,” “a feminist / womanist guide to Muslim marriage in America,” published in the spring of 2022 by a group of female Muslim scholars, including Quraishi-Landes, takes on topics ranging from mut‘a marriages—the temporary partnerships practiced by some Shia Muslims—to interfaith marriages, L.G.B.T.Q. marriages, and polygynous marriages, in which men have multiple wives, although the latter are rare among the estimated three and a half million Muslims in the U.S. The book, despite its emphasis on inclusivity, is not just an attempt to put Islamic dressing on a secular, progressive, American framework. It’s an earnest engagement with what it means to practice Islam. The text opens with the invocation “ Bismillahi al-rahman al-rahim ,” meaning, “In the name of God, the most gracious, the most merciful.”
Many of the feminist Muslim scholars I spoke with described feeling trapped between two intellectual traditions: “You either are for women’s rights or you are for Islam, but you can’t be both,” Quraishi-Landes said, describing a widespread mentality. Roshan Iqbal, an associate professor in religious studies at Agnes Scott College, in Georgia, said that she had “deeply internalized” the idea that she was “an oppressed Muslim woman.” (“These things are directly beamed into your brain, right?” she said.) In her work, she tries to articulate a modern Islamic sexual ethics that doesn’t mindlessly defer to the expectations of white, secular feminists. “I fear that in our desire to seem progressive to the West, we are willing to succumb to whatever the system of dating and marriage is right now,” she said. “There is a certain amount of embarrassment and shame—as if when you don’t explore sexuality at a particular age or time you’re oppressed.”
And yet one of the big questions in this rising field of scholarship is how to deal with the fact that many Muslims do want to explore their sexuality at a younger age. Few of the academics I spoke with thought that secret marriage was the answer. Some feared that these ceremonies could be co-opted by bad actors. Nisa Muhammad, the assistant dean for religious life at Howard University, said she’d talked to students who had been coerced into sex under the guise of secret marriage: “This person said they were going to marry me, and then after sex, you know, the wedding is over, or the so-called engagement is over.” In recent years, several high-profile imams have also allegedly used these arrangements to lure women into having sex with them—a phenomenon often described as “spiritual abuse.”
Rabea Benhalim, an associate professor at the University of Colorado Law School, does not like the concept of secret marriage; she approaches her work from the Maliki perspective, one of the four schools of Sunni Islamic jurisprudence, which mandates that marriage be public. Instead, she believes that the barriers to entry and exit from marriage should be lowered. “There is no reason why a couple can’t say, ‘I want to try this. I want to be good with God. I don’t know if you’re my forever person, and I don’t think I’m ready for kids yet.’ ” Her scholarship looks at how American marriages can satisfy the demands of Islamic law while conferring more rights on women, such
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