Coldest Temperature Ever Recorded in North America

Scientists announced the coldest temperature in North American history, a frostbite-inducing number so low even thermometers filed for workers� comp. Eyewitnesses said cars refused to start, beer froze solid mid-pour, and one moose applied for Florida residency. �It�s like living inside a freezer full of freezers,� said a local. Anonymous staffers admitted the reading may have been influenced by interns holding sensors in snow cones. A fake poll revealed 43% of Americans thought it was terrifying, 39% called it proof of global cooling, and 18% just bought more blankets. Economists argue heating bills may ruin households, though hot cocoa stocks are booming. For now, the continent shivers in unwanted glory. -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com