Coffee Sacrament Declared by Pope Leo XIV�Holy Brew Now Liturgically Recognized

In a caffeinated decree shaking the pillars of tradition and espresso grinders alike, Pope Leo XIV officially recognized coffee as a sacramental. The Coffee Sacrament decree states that �the faithful may now invoke alertness, clarity, and divine aroma through properly blessed brews.� Monks celebrated by installing espresso machines in cloisters. Vatican baristas ordained on the spot. One cardinal whispered: �This explains everything.�