Coffee Now a Basic Human Right

The UN has passed a non-binding resolution declaring caffeine access a fundamental human right. The motion was put forward by a sleep-deprived diplomat from Finland and passed unanimously at 3 p.m., the universal hour of sluggishness. The resolution calls for "equitable global distribution of coffee, tea, and other acceptable stimulants" and condemns the "cruel and unusual punishment" of morning meetings without a working brewer. Human rights groups are celebrating, while corporate HR departments are scrambling to audit their coffee pod supplies. The only opposition came from a small nation that runs on chamomile tea, which was swiftly voted off the security council. The next battle: securing the right to a 3 p.m. nap. -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com