Clothed Boner
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You get a boner! You get a boner! Everybody gets a boner!
If you’re anything like me, you might giggle a lil bit every time you hear the word “boner.” Call it what you want, but in most cases, it’s just a man’s signal that he’s got the hots for you, which is weirdly kind of cute? And honestly, men have enough of a hard time showing their emotions—the least we could get is a physical sign of horniness, okay?
“The process of an erection is actually quite complex,” says Koushik Shaw, MD, urologist at the Austin Urology Institute. “It involves the synchronized work of your brain, psyche, nerves, blood vessels, hormones, and tissues.” Damn, who knew boys could be so complex?
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But turns out, there are actually situations where having a boner doesn’t necessarily = that a dude is turned on. “Morning wood normally happens without the man even knowing—and think about teenagers going through puberty who have boners randomly,” says Dr. Shaw. I guess this means there are different types of boners? Here are 18 of ’em, according to our male expert Frank Kobola.
1. The Pee Boner. This is a fake-out boner that really just happens when he really, really, really has to pee and goes away right after, like stepping on a garden hose.
2. The Morning Boner. This greets you in the morning with a stiff hello, like a butler that can only pee and ejaculate. This boner is the Egg McMuffin of morning sex: The two go well together and are even better with hash browns.
3. The Ghost Boner. This one comes along and leaves like the wind. There’s nothing happening around him to set it off, there’s no one to see it. It’s just there and gone like an apparition.
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4. The Gym Boner. This kind of thing can happen at the gym as his blood is flowing all over the place and inadvertently sloshing into his penis, filling it up.* Hopefully he’s got a good pair of compression shorts on, otherwise his boner is going to be pretty noticeable in those sweatpants.
*NOTE: This isn’t really how blood or erections or anything actually work, but gym boners still happen.
5. The “Time to Consult a Physician” Boner. It’s the boner that lasts more than four hours. The one that won’t go away. Maybe it’s too erect. Maybe it’s painful. It might not literally be worth a trip to a doctor, but it’s worth consulting WebMD to make sure it’s normal.
6. The “I Don’t Know How I Should Feel” Boner. He’s watching something on TV, like reruns of The Nanny, when suddenly, a boner shows up out of nowhere and forces him to come to terms with the fact that he’s sexually attracted to Fran Drescher’s weird accent for some reason.
7. The Inappropriately Timed Boner. This boner pops up at a time that just makes him feel dirty and he really has no idea why it’s there, like when his dad is saying grace at Thanksgiving dinner. Unlike number 4, he knows in his heart that boner is there for no reason and usually can go away with a little bit of focus. It’s just his penis being a free spirit.
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8. The Classic Boner. You can’t beat a classic (well, I guess in this case, you can). This is the pre-sex boner that shows up right when he needs it most. This is his penis being a bro(ner) and doing exactly what it’s supposed to do exactly when it’s supposed to do it.
9. The Night Boner. This boner shows up right when he wants to go to sleep and makes it tough to fall asleep on anything other than his back. He’s forced to either wait things out or lose 20 minutes of sleep negotiating with it.
10. The Attention-Seeking Boner. This boner pops up when he’s in a public place or, worse, doing a presentation at work. “Hey, what’s going on,” this boner says. “Let me show you my PowerPoint.” This is pretty much every boner he got throughout middle school and most of high school. They’re less common when he’s an adult, but he can still get them on occasion.
11. The Forever Boner. This boner thinks they’re buds and just wants to hang out a bunch. It’s like that friend who comes over and then doesn’t take the signals a few hours later that it’s time for them to leave because you’re tired. In both cases, the only way to get them to leave is by masturbating.
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12. The Legendary Boner. Not all boners are created equal. Sometimes he winds up getting a boner that has that certain je ne sais quoi that really elevates it above the other boners he normally gets. It somehow feels extra manly, like a Viking boner.
13. The Marathoner, aka the Tag-Team, Boner. This is the boner that shows up right after another boner after sex like, “Yo, what’s up? This penis doesn’t even know what flaccid is.”
14. The Sad Boner. This is the opposite of number 10. It’s a boner by definition but nothing more, like his penis just isn’t feeling it. Seeing it instantly makes you sad, like an abandoned baby carriage or present-day Aaron Carter.
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15. The Sweatpants Boner. Sweatpants are a boner’s tuxedo. While a boner in and of itself, these boners know they’re out and they don’t have a care in the world.
16. The Public-Bathroom Boner. For some reason, his penis decides when he’s sitting on a public toilet seat that now is the time to get hard. All he can do at this point is start writing out his will, because he wants to die.
17. The Denim Non-Boner. The moment when his jeans bunch up in just the wrong way, causing him to desperately try to explain to an uncomfortable stranger, “Oh, don’t worry! That isn’t my penis!” and now, somehow, things are worse.
18. The “Haven’t Seen You in a While, Old Friend” Boner. There will come a time in a man’s twilight years when he will yearn for the frequent, spontaneous boners of his youth. But then a boner will pop up to say hello and remind him of his golden years. He’ll smile wistfully, and as the blood drains from his penis for the last time, he will realize he has nothing else to look forward to now except the sweet release of death.
Taylor Andrews Taylor is one of the sex and relationship editors who can tell you exactly which vibrators are worth the splurge, why you’re still dreaming about your ex, and tips on how to have the best sex of your life (including what word you should spell with your hips during cowgirl sex)—oh, and you can follow her on Instagram here.
Frank Kobola Frank is a contributing writer for Cosmopolitan.com
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