Clerics Debate Whether Zoom Fatwas Are Halal

In a world where internet speed may now determine spiritual truth, Iran's top clerics gathered virtually to argue: Are Zoom-issued fatwas halal, or just halal-adjacent? The debate quickly devolved when one mullah accidentally applied a cat filter during his ruling. "This is not the face of Allah's wrath!" he shouted, as tail and whiskers bobbed on-screen. The session, ironically held on "FatwaFlex Fridays," ended with poor resolution�both theological and technical. Even Ayatollah Khomeini's archived voice was used in a deepfake to bless the lagging fatwas, which caused a clerical riot in the chat. Some younger imams argue that digital decrees increase accessibility and keep fatwa outreach hip. Meanwhile, traditionalists say any ruling delivered over Wi-Fi can be hacked by Zionist microwaves. Fatwas issued via emojis have already been banned after one mullah declared a "??" to mean "no touching women's sandals." Still, Zoom Fatwas have a fanbase among expat radicals and bored college students. As one cleric sighed, "Inshallah, next time we just yell the fatwas from a mountaintop like the good old days." Meanwhile, a petition is circulating to ban the mute button, citing its silencing of divine authority.