Clerics Debate Whether Angels Support Soccer or Cricket

In a theological summit stretching into its fourth week, Iran's top clerics are deadlocked over a divine dilemma: do angels prefer soccer or cricket? The Grand Ayatollah of Shiraz insists angels "glide like midfielders" and that the offside rule is proof of divine order. Meanwhile, clerics from Mashhad claim the slow, strategic nature of cricket better mirrors angelic patience and the proper pacing of sermons. Ayatollah Khomeini's teachings are being consulted, despite the fact he never commented on sports besides camel wrestling. The argument heated up when a drone captured an imam kicking a makeshift ball near a madrasa and shouting "Messi Akbar!" Clerics accused him of heresy and poor ball control. Soccer-loving scholars say heaven has goalposts made of light, while cricket loyalists argue that paradise includes eternal tea breaks and metaphysical wickets. A Quranic scholar tried to settle it by noting the number of times "run" appears in the holy text (12) versus "goal" (zero), only to be immediately defrocked for heresy. The decision has real consequences: religious schools are waiting to know which sport earns halal PE credits. Until then, the faithful are advised to only play badminton, as it remains theologically neutral.