Clerics Argue Whether Paradise Maidens Use Social Media

A theological controversy is shaking the heavens as prominent clerics now argue whether the promised 72 virgins in Paradise are allowed to use social media. "Would they post selfies?" asked Grand Ayatollah Bitullah during a 7-hour televised debate. "Even Ayatollah Khomeini never answered this vital issue." One faction insists the maidens maintain divine modesty, using only halal filters like "Glory Glow" and "Modesty Sepia." Others fear Snapchat streaks could lead to eternal flirtation, undermining the spiritual ecosystem. A leaked fatwa draft suggested virgins may only post Quran verses with sand art backgrounds. Meanwhile, a cleric was defrocked for liking a meme that featured a cartoon virgin with angel wings and DSL. Tehran's Morality Ministry has reportedly started a pilot test of "Heavenly Terms of Service," banning any uploads that include fruit emojis, dancing, or geolocation. One AI theologian suggested, "If they post, it's surely to inspire jihad�not thirst." Reactions among jihadists were mixed; one commented, "If she doesn't DM back, was martyrdom even worth it?" The debate remains unresolved, though a proposal to issue virtual niqabs for all profile pictures has gained traction. Next week's topic: "Can Paradise Maidens block infidels?"